stages of grief
So it's kind of disheartening to think of all the medication I'm taking now. Seriously, this is my routine:
1) Wake up at some point between five and seven in the morning, take Allegra.
2) Wake up at proper time, go to the bathroom, take Centrum and now an additional supplement of sublingual B12 before eating breakfast.
3) Take indomethacin after eating breakfast.
4) Wash face with benzoyl peroxide before leaving for work.
5) Take birth control around mid-day.
6) Depending on symptoms/time of month, take one or more of the following: Midol, Excedrin, tylenol, naproxen, ibuprofen, immodium, pepto bismol.
7) Eat dinner, then take another indomethacin.
8) Wash face with benzoyl peroxide again while in shower.
9) Spray fluticasone in my nose.
Pretty sure I'm going to end up going back on Prilosec as well, even if I decide to do it myself. My side is starting to hurt again, and it wasn't doing that when I was on the medicine.
I've been thinking about how I'm reacting to my whole disease thing whatever, and I'm actually kind of surprised that I seem to be going through the stages of grief, just...a little out of order? According to the Kuebler-Ross model, the five stages of grief are as follows:
1) Denial
2) Anger
3) Bargaining
4) Depression
5) Acceptance
I think I've already passed through denial and bargaining. The denial stage was me pretty much ignoring the idea of having an actual disease for two years. The bargaining stage was my month-long bout of exercise and attempting to eat better, which was also part denial, of course. I have no deity/sentient being of death to bargain with, so I was pretty much doing that in the hopes that if I at least tried, the symptoms/disease would magically disappear.
Right now I'm fluctuating between anger and depression. Sometimes I'm pissed off that this is happening to me, on top of everything else that seems to be going wrong in my life, and other times I just don't care and feel like giving up. Sometimes it's both at once, when I'm really angry about it but don't have the energy to do anything with that anger.
Sometimes I temporarily return to the denial stage and try to pretend everything is all right. But most of the time it's the depression right now.
I really hope I get through this soon and get around to that acceptance stage. A lot of my anger if focused on the depression, because I get mad at myself for feeling that way when it's so terribly NOT constructive. I hate the very idea of this, of allowing my emotions win over my rationality because it's stupid and pointless and it could be so much worse and I. hate. everything.
When my dad gets out of the bathroom, I'm brushing my teeth and going to sleep. More work tomorrow! I think I'm going to spend the first of my four days off resting my ankle. I should buy an ice pack so I can ice it and get the swelling done some or something.
1) Wake up at some point between five and seven in the morning, take Allegra.
2) Wake up at proper time, go to the bathroom, take Centrum and now an additional supplement of sublingual B12 before eating breakfast.
3) Take indomethacin after eating breakfast.
4) Wash face with benzoyl peroxide before leaving for work.
5) Take birth control around mid-day.
6) Depending on symptoms/time of month, take one or more of the following: Midol, Excedrin, tylenol, naproxen, ibuprofen, immodium, pepto bismol.
7) Eat dinner, then take another indomethacin.
8) Wash face with benzoyl peroxide again while in shower.
9) Spray fluticasone in my nose.
Pretty sure I'm going to end up going back on Prilosec as well, even if I decide to do it myself. My side is starting to hurt again, and it wasn't doing that when I was on the medicine.
I've been thinking about how I'm reacting to my whole disease thing whatever, and I'm actually kind of surprised that I seem to be going through the stages of grief, just...a little out of order? According to the Kuebler-Ross model, the five stages of grief are as follows:
1) Denial
2) Anger
3) Bargaining
4) Depression
5) Acceptance
I think I've already passed through denial and bargaining. The denial stage was me pretty much ignoring the idea of having an actual disease for two years. The bargaining stage was my month-long bout of exercise and attempting to eat better, which was also part denial, of course. I have no deity/sentient being of death to bargain with, so I was pretty much doing that in the hopes that if I at least tried, the symptoms/disease would magically disappear.
Right now I'm fluctuating between anger and depression. Sometimes I'm pissed off that this is happening to me, on top of everything else that seems to be going wrong in my life, and other times I just don't care and feel like giving up. Sometimes it's both at once, when I'm really angry about it but don't have the energy to do anything with that anger.
Sometimes I temporarily return to the denial stage and try to pretend everything is all right. But most of the time it's the depression right now.
I really hope I get through this soon and get around to that acceptance stage. A lot of my anger if focused on the depression, because I get mad at myself for feeling that way when it's so terribly NOT constructive. I hate the very idea of this, of allowing my emotions win over my rationality because it's stupid and pointless and it could be so much worse and I. hate. everything.
When my dad gets out of the bathroom, I'm brushing my teeth and going to sleep. More work tomorrow! I think I'm going to spend the first of my four days off resting my ankle. I should buy an ice pack so I can ice it and get the swelling done some or something.