♕ Keep it Simple (Homestuck • 002)
Title: Keep it Simple
Fandom: Homestuck
Status: Incomplete.
Notes: I was planning to keep posting anonymously until the current post hit 8k comments, but! LJ hates me more than I thought it did, and keeps eating my comments no matter which comment in the thread I reply with, no matter if I reply anonymously or in my main account. It seems to be taking my RP accounts alright at the moment, but we'll see.
In any case, sorry for the delay with this, OP! Something came up over the past few days and I was like, "aaaah, I need to write that fill", but never got the time to do it. :( In any case for reference (and for the lovely artist anon down there, who I couldn't reply to due to LJ being a big dumb derp), the kids are wearing something like this. Obviously, with added upper-face masks for ~superhero~ purposes and a few changes here and there, like Rose having a skirt, Jade having a bit more of a witch like appearance, Dave having his turn tables and looking a bit more classier, etc. John is pretty much the only derp wearing his exact Godtier outfit. Maybe I'll doodle a little something myself to better illustrate what the outfits look like, later on.
Anyway, enough TL;DR. Onwards!
> stop being the average college student
You are no longer the average college student. Or any of the other two average college students for that matter.
In fact, your name is DAVE "CLOCK BLAZER" STRIDER, and you are the most IRONIC and COOL guy you could ever hope to meet. You are SO COOL, scientists should make a study on you in hope of extracting some of your UNBELIEVABLY COOL COOLNESS in the most ironic manner possible. Because everything you do is IRONIC. Always. You are so ironic you keep calling yourself "BEATDOWN" even though that has nothing to do with your powers while the media keeps calling you that COMPLETELY UNIRONIC NAME THEY TACKED ON YOU. So fucking cool.
Today, on the 13th of April, is your best bro's 19th birthday. Like the totally cool and ironic guy you are, you decided that the best way to show your appreciation for him would to be to not show up for class at all to WISH HIM A HAPPY BIRTHDAY. Because, you know, that would be completely unironic. And he'll be thanking you later once he's sick and tired of EVERYONE AND THEIR MOTHER wishing him a happy birthday.
As the cool guy you are, most people would assume that you partake in a number of INTERESTS, and they are TOTALLY RIGHT. You have a thing for creating SICK BEATS on your turntables and mixing gear that would have even THE LADIES WHO DOTH PROTEST TOO MUCH tapping their feet to the rhythm because of how unbelievably sick your beats are. Yeah. You are so cool, you listen to BANDS NO ONE HAS EVER EVEN HEARD OF and then declare they're UNCOOL once they become popular, as well as operating your own PRIVATE DARKROOM to facilitate your bouts of AMATEUR PHOTOGRAPHY. You have a collection of DEAD THINGS most of your friends find creepy, which is probably why you don't bring MOST GIRLS into your room unless their last name happens to be HARLEY. You maintain a number of ironic and humorous SOCIAL NETWORKING SITES, which according to your friends PLACES THE FINAL NAIL ON THE HIPSTER COFFIN YOU'RE CURRENTLY LOCKED INTO, but you disagree. You are not Canadian, after all.
As previously mentioned, you are the totally COOL AND IRONIC superhero known as the CLOCK BLAZER, and as your name implies you have control over TIME. You have no idea where BLAZER even comes in, as FIRE IS NOT YOUR THING, nor is it THE THING of any hero in the area you all reside in. You suppose the media WORKS IN STRANGE WAYS. As the greatest and fucking coolest superhero EVER, you have garnered the attention of all the ladies. ALL OF THEM. Even the blind alien ladies with a penchant for LICKING YOUR FACE every chance they get. It is the FUCKING ODDEST THING you've ever seen, but damn if it isn't funny when others FLIP THEIR SHIT OVER IT.
This would be the time to make some witty remark regarding the mind boggling and overcomplicated QUEST you must soon embark on, but you are currently preoccupied with OTHER MATTERS.
Are you ready to BE THE MOST BADASS FUCKER THIS TOWN HAS EVER SEEN?
* * *
> be the closet ironic hipster
You cannot be the closet ironic hipster if you were already the closet ironic hipster--not that you are hipster or closeted. That is a big scandalous lie.
Regardless, as much as you would love to stay around and amuse the musings of this totally unironic narration, you’ve bigger and better things to tend to. Such as making sure this ridiculously huge hoofbeast (as your self proclaimed patron troll had dubbed it a number of solar sweeps ago) stayed away from the civilians and their squishy pink flesh with candy red insides that were far too easy to make into sidewalk puree. Not that you have ever seen that happen first hand, being the coolest superhero on the block, but you had heard horror stories from others around you. And unlike some sickos who proclaimed themselves “heroes”, you had no desire to find out what they looked like first hand. That would be disgusting, and dead civilians are uncool.
In any case, your iShades have been beeping for the last ten minutes, and you’re kind of wishing you had forgone the need to be ironic and had simply gone to class to wish Egbert a happy birthday. Maybe then you wouldn’t have to put up with being slapped around by giant alien cow udders while you tried to keep the squishy civillians away from said giant cow udders. Which, by the way, didn’t even go there, because what type of horse has udders? Alien monsters are so weird.
By the time you’re done laying down the beatdown on this thing, you’ve been slapped around by those giant cow udders so many times you could write a thesis on the jiggle physics of them, but you digress. Those are definitely not thoughts you want your mind to stray over. Ever. You hope those kids with the obnoxiously large Nikon cameras enjoyed the show, because that right there was Dave Strider’s pride. Being slapped around multiple time by cow udders. Doing heroics. All part of a day’s work.
You don’t even wait around for the news crew to arrive to congratulate the Clock Blazer on a job well done (partially because you might have to pull your eardrums out with Lalonde’s knitting needles if you hear that hideous name one more time; you swear you’ve seen it misspelled as Cock Blazer a handful of times), and instead decide to move on to a more private location to answer Pesterchum before you go blind from all the flashing and beeping your iShades are doing right now. Not that you don’t have a good idea of who’s mackin down on you already. In fact, you already know who’s mackin down on you already. It was never a mystery.
* * *
-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 08:16! --
TT: Why am I not surprised you have decided to be absent from today’s lecture?
TG: oh man mackin on me so early in the morning?
TG: must be a new record
TT: Yes, I’m sure you’re well aware of my weakness for flirting with insufferable pricks with whom I happen to be related with.
TG: whoa bringing out the incest card so fast already
TT: Well, you know I just can’t help myself.
TT: You know today is John’s birthday, correct?
TG: yeah what about it
TT: You are at least planning on doing something for him, no?
TG: nah dude already knows i love him
TG: plus duty calls you know
TT: Oh, yes.
TT: I imagine another “hoofbeast” attack must be very urgent when we have a grand total of 16 other benign super powered beings in the same area.
TT: Is John there with you?
TG: no
TG: i thought he was there with you
TT: No.
TG: whatever just give him another minute
TG: hell be there
TG: you know he needs to go lick nic cages shoe or something first
TT: Alright.
TT: No, wait. It seems he’s just arrived.
TG: told you
TG: anyways talk to you later someone else is trying to mack on me now
-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 08:22! --
* * *
> be the lady who doth protest too much.
Fandom: Homestuck
Status: Incomplete.
Notes: I was planning to keep posting anonymously until the current post hit 8k comments, but! LJ hates me more than I thought it did, and keeps eating my comments no matter which comment in the thread I reply with, no matter if I reply anonymously or in my main account. It seems to be taking my RP accounts alright at the moment, but we'll see.
In any case, sorry for the delay with this, OP! Something came up over the past few days and I was like, "aaaah, I need to write that fill", but never got the time to do it. :( In any case for reference (and for the lovely artist anon down there, who I couldn't reply to due to LJ being a big dumb derp), the kids are wearing something like this. Obviously, with added upper-face masks for ~superhero~ purposes and a few changes here and there, like Rose having a skirt, Jade having a bit more of a witch like appearance, Dave having his turn tables and looking a bit more classier, etc. John is pretty much the only derp wearing his exact Godtier outfit. Maybe I'll doodle a little something myself to better illustrate what the outfits look like, later on.
Anyway, enough TL;DR. Onwards!
> stop being the average college student
You are no longer the average college student. Or any of the other two average college students for that matter.
In fact, your name is DAVE "CLOCK BLAZER" STRIDER, and you are the most IRONIC and COOL guy you could ever hope to meet. You are SO COOL, scientists should make a study on you in hope of extracting some of your UNBELIEVABLY COOL COOLNESS in the most ironic manner possible. Because everything you do is IRONIC. Always. You are so ironic you keep calling yourself "BEATDOWN" even though that has nothing to do with your powers while the media keeps calling you that COMPLETELY UNIRONIC NAME THEY TACKED ON YOU. So fucking cool.
Today, on the 13th of April, is your best bro's 19th birthday. Like the totally cool and ironic guy you are, you decided that the best way to show your appreciation for him would to be to not show up for class at all to WISH HIM A HAPPY BIRTHDAY. Because, you know, that would be completely unironic. And he'll be thanking you later once he's sick and tired of EVERYONE AND THEIR MOTHER wishing him a happy birthday.
As the cool guy you are, most people would assume that you partake in a number of INTERESTS, and they are TOTALLY RIGHT. You have a thing for creating SICK BEATS on your turntables and mixing gear that would have even THE LADIES WHO DOTH PROTEST TOO MUCH tapping their feet to the rhythm because of how unbelievably sick your beats are. Yeah. You are so cool, you listen to BANDS NO ONE HAS EVER EVEN HEARD OF and then declare they're UNCOOL once they become popular, as well as operating your own PRIVATE DARKROOM to facilitate your bouts of AMATEUR PHOTOGRAPHY. You have a collection of DEAD THINGS most of your friends find creepy, which is probably why you don't bring MOST GIRLS into your room unless their last name happens to be HARLEY. You maintain a number of ironic and humorous SOCIAL NETWORKING SITES, which according to your friends PLACES THE FINAL NAIL ON THE HIPSTER COFFIN YOU'RE CURRENTLY LOCKED INTO, but you disagree. You are not Canadian, after all.
As previously mentioned, you are the totally COOL AND IRONIC superhero known as the CLOCK BLAZER, and as your name implies you have control over TIME. You have no idea where BLAZER even comes in, as FIRE IS NOT YOUR THING, nor is it THE THING of any hero in the area you all reside in. You suppose the media WORKS IN STRANGE WAYS. As the greatest and fucking coolest superhero EVER, you have garnered the attention of all the ladies. ALL OF THEM. Even the blind alien ladies with a penchant for LICKING YOUR FACE every chance they get. It is the FUCKING ODDEST THING you've ever seen, but damn if it isn't funny when others FLIP THEIR SHIT OVER IT.
This would be the time to make some witty remark regarding the mind boggling and overcomplicated QUEST you must soon embark on, but you are currently preoccupied with OTHER MATTERS.
Are you ready to BE THE MOST BADASS FUCKER THIS TOWN HAS EVER SEEN?
* * *
> be the closet ironic hipster
You cannot be the closet ironic hipster if you were already the closet ironic hipster--not that you are hipster or closeted. That is a big scandalous lie.
Regardless, as much as you would love to stay around and amuse the musings of this totally unironic narration, you’ve bigger and better things to tend to. Such as making sure this ridiculously huge hoofbeast (as your self proclaimed patron troll had dubbed it a number of solar sweeps ago) stayed away from the civilians and their squishy pink flesh with candy red insides that were far too easy to make into sidewalk puree. Not that you have ever seen that happen first hand, being the coolest superhero on the block, but you had heard horror stories from others around you. And unlike some sickos who proclaimed themselves “heroes”, you had no desire to find out what they looked like first hand. That would be disgusting, and dead civilians are uncool.
In any case, your iShades have been beeping for the last ten minutes, and you’re kind of wishing you had forgone the need to be ironic and had simply gone to class to wish Egbert a happy birthday. Maybe then you wouldn’t have to put up with being slapped around by giant alien cow udders while you tried to keep the squishy civillians away from said giant cow udders. Which, by the way, didn’t even go there, because what type of horse has udders? Alien monsters are so weird.
By the time you’re done laying down the beatdown on this thing, you’ve been slapped around by those giant cow udders so many times you could write a thesis on the jiggle physics of them, but you digress. Those are definitely not thoughts you want your mind to stray over. Ever. You hope those kids with the obnoxiously large Nikon cameras enjoyed the show, because that right there was Dave Strider’s pride. Being slapped around multiple time by cow udders. Doing heroics. All part of a day’s work.
You don’t even wait around for the news crew to arrive to congratulate the Clock Blazer on a job well done (partially because you might have to pull your eardrums out with Lalonde’s knitting needles if you hear that hideous name one more time; you swear you’ve seen it misspelled as Cock Blazer a handful of times), and instead decide to move on to a more private location to answer Pesterchum before you go blind from all the flashing and beeping your iShades are doing right now. Not that you don’t have a good idea of who’s mackin down on you already. In fact, you already know who’s mackin down on you already. It was never a mystery.
* * *
-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 08:16! --
TT: Why am I not surprised you have decided to be absent from today’s lecture?
TG: oh man mackin on me so early in the morning?
TG: must be a new record
TT: Yes, I’m sure you’re well aware of my weakness for flirting with insufferable pricks with whom I happen to be related with.
TG: whoa bringing out the incest card so fast already
TT: Well, you know I just can’t help myself.
TT: You know today is John’s birthday, correct?
TG: yeah what about it
TT: You are at least planning on doing something for him, no?
TG: nah dude already knows i love him
TG: plus duty calls you know
TT: Oh, yes.
TT: I imagine another “hoofbeast” attack must be very urgent when we have a grand total of 16 other benign super powered beings in the same area.
TT: Is John there with you?
TG: no
TG: i thought he was there with you
TT: No.
TG: whatever just give him another minute
TG: hell be there
TG: you know he needs to go lick nic cages shoe or something first
TT: Alright.
TT: No, wait. It seems he’s just arrived.
TG: told you
TG: anyways talk to you later someone else is trying to mack on me now
-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 08:22! --
* * *
> be the lady who doth protest too much.