comes and goes (2/2)
one |
Jongin becomes a frequent customer at the lemonade shack (he's one hole-punch away from a free lemonade on his stamp card!). Although he thinks spending $1.75 on lemonade everyday is a bit much for his budget, he needs an excuse to see Kyungsoo more often.
Jongin's not entirely sure what his relationship with Kyungsoo is. They're friends, that much is obvious by now, but then again, Jongin isn't sure if friends are supposed to make each other feel like this - nervous, anxious, excited, delighted, all at the same time even.
Then again, it's been a while since he's had a real friend.
"You know, you don't have to buy a lemonade every time you see him," Luhan snorts as he watches Jongin hurry to dry up so he can walk to the lemonade shack.
"I know, but I'll feel bad if I don't," Jongin mumbles, running the towel over his hair repeatedly.
Luhan rolls his eyes. "You know, usually you're eager to get into the water, but I've never seen you so excited to get out of it."
Jongin throws the towel at Luhan's face to shut him up.
"I'm one hole punch away from a free lemonade," Jongin mutters. "That's all."
Luhan snorts, throwing the towel onto the sand and glaring at Jongin. "Right. Lemonade is the reason you're in a rush, and not the guy serving it to you."
Jongin returns the glare as he picks up his towel and shakes it. "Whatever, man. Are you coming?"
"Nah, I'm going to stay and keep surfing," Luhan sighs, picking up his board again. "Tell Kyungsoo I said hi though."
Jongin grunts and grabs his stuff. He's about to leave when Luhan calls out for him.
"Also, Jongin! The guys and I were going to hang out this Friday night at Junmyeon's. You want to come?" Luhan yells when Jongin turns around.
There's a falter in Jongin's steps as he thinks it over. He hasn't seen them since their first dinner together; even though some of them have tried asking him to hang out earlier, Jongin always used the excuse of surfing.
"Come on, the guys want to see you," Luhan pushes, raising an eyebrow expectantly. "You can't avoid him forever anyway," he says the last part a little quieter, but Jongin catches it anyway.
He sighs heavily and nods. "Fine, I'll go," he mumbles, turning back around and walking away, ignoring the triumphant smile on Luhan's face.
On the walk to the pier, Jongin thinks of ways to ask Kyungsoo out. Maybe not on a date (although a date would be nice), but just to somewhere not the beach. Somewhere new where they could talk and maybe eat some good food and just be in each others' company.
It really shouldn't be this hard, Jongin thinks to himself in exasperation as he gets closer and closer to the lemonade shack. All he has to do is ask Kyungsoo to hang out this Saturday. Just say five simple, painless words: "Let's hang out this Saturday."
All of his hard work is thrown away when he sees Kyungsoo smiling and waving at him as he nears. He smiles and waves back, ruffling his hair as he does. Man, Kyungsoo really has a knack for messing up his thoughts.
"How were the waves today?" Kyungsoo asks like he does everyday. Jongin knows he does it out of politeness, because Kyungsoo knows nothing about surfing, but he finds it cute anyway.
"They were nice," Jongin replies. "Almost got knocked out by one, but I caught myself just in time."
"That's good," Kyungsoo says, a flash of concern flickering across his eyes that Jongin doesn't miss.
"So," Jongin says, fishing out his stamp card. "I think I get my free lemonade today."
Kyungsoo looks at the card and laughs. "You still have one left," he points out with a grin.
"Well, I'll have one lemonade right now then," Jongin says, standing up a little straighter. Kyungsoo rolls his eyes but rings him up anyway, not forgetting to stamp his card as he does.
"You know you can't get your free lemonade until your next purchase, right?" Kyungsoo asks as he waits for Jongin's lemonade to finish.
Jongin pouts. "I didn't know that. Why not?"
Kyungsoo shrugs. "Store policy. But don't worry - I'll have your lemonade ready for you when you get here tomorrow." He smiles up at Jongin, who smiles back.
It's now or never, Jongin thinks as he takes in a deep breath. "Well, how about I forgo that free lemonade?" he asks. Kyungsoo raises an eyebrow and waits for him to continue. "And you hang out with me on Saturday instead?"
Kyungsoo looks stunned for a moment, and Jongin finds himself holding his breath as he waits for an answer. After what seems like forever, Kyungsoo opens his mouth to reply when-
"Lemonade's done!" Jongdae calls from the back. Kyungsoo turns around to glare at Jongdae, then turns back to Jongin with a sheepish smile before he leaves to the back to grab the lemonade.
When Kyungsoo returns, he hands Jongin the lemonade. But Jongin doesn't even want the lemonade now; he just wants an answer (hopefully a 'yes' at that, too).
"Hanging out would be nice," Kyungsoo finally answers with a smile, and Jongin exhales all of his worries and anxieties with that one sentence. "Is it just going to be here at the beach?"
"No, I was thinking we hang out somewhere else," Jongin tells him, enjoying the way Kyungsoo's smile brightens at that. "A new café near where I live. Maybe I could text you the address and we could meet there?"
"Sounds good," Kyungsoo answers, and Jongin smiles.
"Good. I mean, great," Jongin laughs, trying to calm his racing heart.
After hanging out a little more, and listening to Jongdae tease Kyungsoo and pretending not to hear it (although Kyungsoo looks even cuter flushed red), Jongin leaves with a soft, "See you later," that Kyungsoo returns with a smile.
Jongin walks home with a bounce in his step.
-
On Friday afternoon, Jongin arrives at the address Luhan gave him Thursday. He expects to see Junmyeon open up the door, followed by Chanyeol attacking him with bad jokes and Minseok shaking his head at Chanyeol.
When it's Sehun who answers the door instead, followed by awkward silence, Jongin tells himself to throw Luhan's surfboard out to sea and let Luhan swim after it.
"You came," Sehun says, looking just as surprised as Jongin feels.
"Uh, yeah," Jongin replies awkwardly. "Luhan told me we were all hanging out... and that this was Junmyeon's place."
Sehun's lips form an 'O' shape as he begins to understand how Luhan pulled this off. "Sorry, I didn't tell him to say that," he offers. "But really, you should've figured this wasn't Junmyeon's place. He has one of those nice condos downtown, not some dump in the middle of the city."
Sehun chuckles, but Jongin finds it hard to laugh with his throat dry with nervousness.
"Right. Well. Uh, did you want me to come by?" he asks, hating how anxious he sounded with such a simple question.
"Yeah," Sehun says as if it's obvious. "You've been here for over a month now and we haven't hung out once. Come on, man, that's not cool. I thought we were best friends."
Were being the key word, Jongin thinks a little bitterly. He tries thinking of something else to make him feel better, anything else really, and all he can think of is Kyungsoo. His heart-shaped smile and crescent eyes appear in Jongin's mind and suddenly he feels less tense.
That is, until he sees Sehun walking over to the fridge and pulling out a beer. "Want one?" he asks, gesturing to Jongin.
"I don't really drink anymore," Jongin says tightly.
Sehun's lips curve downwards at that, but he doesn't comment. Instead, he just nods and lightly says, "Your loss," as he closes the fridge door.
Jongin wants to ask why he's really here, why Sehun took so long to invite him over, why Tao's belongings are all over the place, but the questions die in his mind before they can even make it to his lips the way they always do.
"Do you still play?" Sehun asks from the couch now. Jongin snaps out of his haze to see Sehun holding a console in his hand.
"Er, sometimes," Jongin admits. But he doesn't want to play any games with Sehun, not anymore at least. He just wants to leave and go to the beach and hopefully catch Kyungsoo before his shift ends so he can take his mind off this entire thing.
"Sometimes?" Sehun asks, eyebrow raised.
"Not really," Jongin sighs.
"Well, good," Sehun says with a grin. "That means I'll kick your ass for sure this time. I've been practicing." He starts up the game, childish excitement plain on his face.
Jongin's not sure if this is some sort of trap, but the expecting look Sehun gives him as he throws him a console doesn't seem as harmful as Jongin originally feared.
One game won't hurt, Jongin finally caves in as Sehun chooses his favorite game. Even if it's been years since he saw Sehun, and even though Jongin admits he could go even longer without seeing him, he does miss his best friend who played video games with him and threw temper tantrums when he lost.
So for now, they go back to those times, when Jongin and Sehun were eighteen and innocent, best friends and nothing more.
-
Kyungsoo has picked up a terrible habit of waiting for Jongin. Jongdae and Baekhyun says it's not terrible - maybe a little desperate, but it's cute anyway - but Kyungsoo doesn't listen to them. He knows it's not normal to feel this anxious just to see someone.
It's a little past five now, and Jongin still hasn't visited yet. Kyungsoo's not that worried - well, maybe just a little, but he doesn't want to look nervous or else Jongdae won't shut up about it - but he does find himself glancing around every other minute.
Kyungsoo's counting the money in the register when a familiar voice calls him.
"Kyungsoo?" he asks, and Kyungsoo looks up from the register to see Tao.
Surprised, Kyungsoo replies, "Oh, hi, Tao. I usually don't see you around."
"Yeah, I don't usually come down to the beach unless Sehun drags me," Tao admits with a shrug.
"So what are you here for today?" Kyungsoo asks, not seeing Sehun anywhere around.
"Well, Sehun's out with Jongin today, so I decided that if he wants to steal my boyfriend for the day, I'll steal his," Tao laughs. Kyungsoo's eyes widen, and that causes Tao to laugh even harder. "I'm just kidding, Kyungsoo. I was just nearby and thought I wanted some lemonade."
"Oh." That still doesn't help Kyungsoo's racing heart. Boyfriend? Jongin's? Is that what they thought? Is it wrong that Kyungsoo likes the sound of that? "O-Okay," Kyungsoo stammers, rushing to get Tao a lemonade so he doesn't see the flush on his face.
"Why aren't you with them?" Kyungsoo asks Tao as he hands over his lemonade.
"Sehun asked me not to come," Tao replies, handing over the money. "Besides, I don't want to be there. Sehun's probably going to get all emotional with Jongin, or vice versa, and even though I love Sehun, I don't want to see that."
Kyungsoo raises an eyebrow. "What do you mean?"
"Well this is the first time they've seen each other in two years, and Sehun has been really anxious to talk to Jongin about feelings and all that," Tao says, shuddering. "I already had that talk with him. I don't need to hear it again, especially to someone else." Tao takes a sip of his lemonade, stirring it around nonchalantly.
"Wait, what feelings?" Kyungsoo asks, frowning. Even though he knows Jongin and Sehun were best friends, Kyungsoo doesn't exactly ever recall talking about feelings with his best friend before.
"You didn't know?" Tao asks, genuinely surprised. "Jongin and Sehun used to date."
-
It's Saturday morning and Jongin is waiting outside of the café he texted Kyungsoo about earlier. Kyungsoo arrives early, so he watches as Jongin walks up to him, rubbing his eyes tiredly.
"Hey," Jongin says quietly, voice still thick with sleep.
"Hi," Kyungsoo replies just as softly. "Sleepy?" he teases as Jongin yawns, stretching his arms out.
"Hmm," Jongin hums in reply. "Yeah, just got back a little late yesterday."
Kyungsoo nods, chewing on his bottom lip in thought. It's really none of his business, but he can't seem to help it as the words come tumbling out of his mouth without his permission. "So... where were you yesterday?" He cringes inwardly, hoping he doesn't sound too desperate.
Jongin seems to wake up a little at that. "I was just hanging out with a friend," Jongin mumbles, avoiding eye contact.
"What'd you guys do?" Kyungsoo asks, already knowing who this friend is and hoping he doesn't sound as anxious as his sweaty palms feel.
"Not much," Jongin sighs, rubbing his neck awkwardly. He really doesn't want to talk about Sehun with Kyungsoo. He'd readily tell Kyungsoo any of his other secrets, but there's something about this one that he wants to keep from Kyungsoo, to protect from Kyungsoo.
Not that that matters anyway. Tao told Kyungsoo everything, and now Kyungsoo can't seem to forget about. Even though Tao's confidence and assurance that whatever Jongin and Sehun had was brief and short-lived, Kyungsoo found himself thinking about it all Friday night.
"Oh. Okay," Kyungsoo says, trying to push the disappointment and worry out of his voice as he straightens up. "Well, what did you want to do today?" he asks instead.
"I want to show you somewhere," Jongin says, a smile making its way onto his face again. Kyungsoo thinks Jongin's smile must be infection because he finds himself mirroring it soon after.
"Really? Where?" he asks eagerly.
"You'll see," Jongin teases. "Let's grab something to eat first though. I'm starved."
Kyungsoo laughs as he follows Jongin into the café. "When are you not?"
They order their own meals, sharing old stories as they wait for their food to come out. Kyungsoo has learned, in their weeks spent together, that Jongin has a never-ending amount childhood stories to share. Even though some are ridiculous (like of the time when he and Chanyeol stole the entire snack supply from their sixth-grade teacher's drawer for a bet) and others very hard to believe (like the story of how Jongin was once a viral YouTuber thanks to his old lipsyncing videos), Kyungsoo finds himself listening to every single one of them with utmost interest.
Kyungsoo finds himself forgetting all about Tao and Sehun as Jongin immerses him in an old story of how he and Luhan snuck into the school on the weekends and vandalized Chanyeol's locker for fun.
When their food arrives, Jongin digs in without hesitation. Kyungsoo watches in amusement as Jongin breathes in his food. The amount of food that boy can consume in a minute will never fail to shock Kyungsoo.
Even more surprising, however, is when Jongin offers Kyungsoo his food. Kyungsoo always thought Jongin treasured his food and would never want to share. Although Kyungsoo rejects the offer, he does reciprocate it. Jongin doesn't even hesitate before taking a bite of Kyungsoo's omelet.
After they finish eating, Jongin leads him away from the café. He grins as Kyungsoo tries asking where they're going again, shaking his head. "You'll see," is all he says.
When they arrive, Kyungsoo can't help but be confused.
"This used to be my secret hiding place when I was in high school," Jongin explains, laughing a little at the bewildered look on Kyungsoo's face. "Before I used to run away, I came here instead to think."
"Wow," Kyungsoo breathes, stepping in and looking around to take the place in. It's a storage unit, barely used with dusty cupboard boxes in a corner. There's a broken mini fridge, and a rusting motorcycle among other miscellaneous items.
"Yeah, my dad owns this garage," Jongin says. "But he never uses it anymore, so I decided to make it my own." He gestures to an old couch and trash can full of empty soda cans, and Kyungsoo can almost see the image of a younger Jongin sitting around by himself, listening to music as he thinks, eyebrows furrowed in concentration.
"Do you still come here?" Kyungsoo asks as he looks through the comic books left around curiously.
"I didn't for a while," Jongin admits. "But lately, I've been coming back."
Kyungsoo wonders why, but doesn't ask, figuring Jongin will tell him on his own if he really wants to.
Instead, he asks, "Why did you start running away?" His voice is soft, but the question still pierces Jongin like a knife.
He looks away from Kyungsoo's stare, and Kyungsoo wonders if he was hoping too much. A little dejected now, Kyungsoo turns away too and continues looking around, trying to ignore the stinging in his chest.
"The first time I left, I was seventeen," Jongin starts all of a sudden, surprising Kyungsoo, who turns to look at him. "I was mad at my parents - for what reason, I don't even remember anymore. I left, ran away to the city for a while. I had a friend there, and he let me stay with him until I cooled down.
"The next time I ran away, I was eighteen. It was two weeks before summer was about to end, before we all went off to college, and I ran away. I guess I was running away from growing up, because I spent an entire day at an old playground my friends and I used to play at. Maybe it wasn't really running away, because it was just a day, but I didn't tell anyone. I just went.
"I found that, every time I was stressed out or frustrated, I ran away. I ran anywhere that would take me..." Jongin takes in a deep breath, the words falling short all of a sudden as the next part follows.
"This was the longest I ever ran for," Jongin says, shaking his head. Kyungsoo looks at him, reaches out to touch him, to comfort him, but stops when Tao's words ring in his head as an ugly reminder that Jongin loved someone else, may still love someone else. Kyungsoo clenches his fist and pulls away, and continues to just listen.
Because sometimes, listening can be the best way to love someone.
"Why did you leave?" Kyungsoo asks gently.
"I left... I left because I needed a break," Jongin whispers, as if he's ashamed the world may hear the secret he's been keeping for so long in his heart. "Because I loved someone who didn't love me, because it killed me knowing that."
Kyungsoo isn't sure how to reply.
"I leave. A lot," Jongin finally confesses. "I don't- I don't know how to stay anymore. I don't even know if I want to stay anymore," Jongin laughs, shaking his head. "But-" He stops and looks at Kyungsoo. Looks at him, long and hard, to make sure this isn't another trick of the mind and heart. To make sure Kyungsoo is there. To make sure Kyungsoo wants to be there.
But he doesn't know. He doesn't know, and he's afraid he'll make the same mistake and lose everything again. So instead, he smiles with all the strength left in him.
"I'm going to leave again," Jongin finally says. "When summer's over, I'm going to go. Maybe I'll see the world or something." He chuckles at himself for the ridiculous idea, because now his entire world is right in front of him, completely unaware of it.
Kyungsoo, meanwhile, closes his eyes, jaw clenched, wanting to hear anything but that. Jongin can say he loved Sehun, can say he still loves and will always love Sehun, can say a million other words to break Kyungsoo's heart, but anything but this.
He wants to say something, anything to plead for Jongin to stay, but the words don't form correctly on his tongue, so instead he grabs Jongin's hand and just holds it. Jongin looks down in surprise, and when Kyungsoo refuses to look at him, he lets the silence seep in.
They stay together like that for a little, Kyungsoo holding on with all he has just to make sure Jongin hasn't left yet.
Kyungsoo goes home and crosses out the last day of summer, hoping it'll never come.
-
Despite breaking hearts, Kyungsoo and Jongin try their hardest to be together as often as possible. Kyungsoo takes more breaks than usual just to watch Jongin surf, and Jongin spends less and less time out in the ocean to be in the company of Kyungsoo, doing anything, even if it's just watching people on the pier.
Kyungsoo tries to come up with ways to entice Jongin to stay.
"There's a cooking competition I'm thinking about joining," he tries to say casually.
"Oh really?" Jongin asks, smiling as he looks over at Kyungsoo.
"Yeah, it's in September. My friends are all going to come watch," Kyungsoo says softly, hoping his words of I wish you would come, too are heard anyway. If Jongin hears them, though, he doesn't say anything. He just nods, and they continue people watching.
He tries again and again to think of excuses that might make Jongin want to stay just a day longer. At first, Kyungsoo thinks that if he can keep Jongin for just one more week, one more month, it'll be enough. But he soon realizes that no amount of time is long enough; he wants Jongin around for the rest of his life, and it scares him.
Jongin is scared, too. He knows summer is ending, knows it because the sun is setting sooner and Kyungsoo's face grows darker each passing day. He doesn't want to leave, but he's afraid if he doesn't leave, he'll be stuck. Stuck and confused, two things he promised himself he'll never be. He wants new places, new experiences, and there isn't enough of that here.
If he could, though, he would take Kyungsoo. He would show him the world and more, hold his hand tight and never let go. He would let Kyungsoo run away with him, something he's never let anyone do before.
But he knows California is Kyungsoo's dream, and he could never take that from him.
So instead he wraps his arm around Kyungsoo a little tighter and breathes in a little deeper, hoping it'll make the moment last a little longer.
-
It's the day before summer ends. Kyungsoo doesn't show up to work, calls in sick (lovesickness counts, right?) and stays in bed the whole morning. When he gets up, he pretends not to see all the missed calls and texts on his phone.
He wants to pretend that today is the first day of summer again, and he's going to meet Jongin for the first time, and maybe this time he'll do things differently. Maybe this time he'll hold his hand a little sooner, and whisper nonsense in his ears just to see him laugh. Maybe this time he'll love him sooner, love him longer, love him enough to last a lifetime.
But maybe's not good enough, so Kyungsoo drags himself to the shower to wash away the exhaustion in his bones and the heartbreak he reeks of.
When he's finally done getting ready, he takes a good look at himself in the mirror and wonders if he would have ever been enough to keep Jongin around.
He's making himself a late lunch when there's a knock at the door. Kyungsoo wonders if Baekhyun forgot their key again, grumbling as he wipes his hand and walks over to answer it. But it's not Baekhyun - it's Jongin.
"Jongin!" Kyungsoo exclaims, taking a step back in surprise. How does Jongin know where he lives? "What are you doing here?"
Despite seeing him outside of the beach several times, Kyungsoo can't adjust to the image of Jongin without his surfboard and wet hair. Or, in this case, Jongin panting, out of breath, leaning over his door.
"I was looking for you at the lemonade shack and Jongdae said you were sick," Jongin says, taking a deep breath. "I was worried," he continues, standing a little straighter to meet Kyungsoo's eyes.
Kyungsoo looks away, hating himself for the butterflies in his stomach when Jongin looks at him. Jongin is leaving, and no number of butterflies will make him stay.
"How'd you know where I live?" Kyungsoo asks instead, changing the subject.
"Your roommate told me," Jongin answers with a frown, trying to catch Kyungsoo's eyes. "Hey, are you okay?"
Kyungsoo's heart screams no, but his mouths answers, "Yeah."
But Jongin can't let it go like that. He knows too much about Kyungsoo now to let Kyungsoo run away. So he steps in and grabs Kyungsoo by the arm, and says Kyungsoo's name so low, so seriously that Kyungsoo can't help but turn to look at him.
And the sight sends daggers into Jongin's heart. Kyungsoo's eyes are glistening, his hard work overflowing onto his cheeks as he tries to look away again but fails, Jongin's hands on his face and keeping him in place.
Jongin doesn't know what he's doing but suddenly his lips are on Kyungsoo's and Kyungsoo is pressing back, and this kiss doesn't taste anything like alcohol or lust, just tears and desperation and maybe a hint of love, something Jongin wants more of but doesn't understand and it scares Jongin.
As quickly as the kiss came, it ends when Jongin pulls back, adrenaline pumped out of his veins and replaced by fear. Fear of what, Jongin's not entirely sure, because Kyungsoo has only ever been a shoulder to lean on, the only anchor Jongin has, and he can't lose him.
It takes all he has left in him not to look at Kyungsoo, knowing he'll only see the same heartbreak in his eyes that Jongin is feeling.
"I-I'm sorry," Jongin whispers, and Kyungsoo doesn't even have the time to process his words because Jongin's out the door and out of Kyungsoo's life as fast as he came into it.
-
Jongin doesn't know why or how but he ends up in front of the last place - or maybe the only place - he needs to be at eleven on a Sunday night. He's out of breath and out of reasons to run any further, because what he needs now more than anything is closure. Closure that what he's feeling isn't a trick this time, isn't a lie the way it was the last time he gave his heart away.
"Jongin?" Sehun answers the door, rubbing his eye. It's dark in his apartment, but Jongin can see the light glow of the TV behind him.
"We need to talk," Jongin says before he can help himself, rushing into the apartment.
Sehun raises an eyebrow but closes the door behind him anyway. "About what?"
"About us." There's a sense of urgency in Jongin's voice that Sehun has never heard before, and he thinks he knows what it's about.
"Well, go ahead," Sehun offers, gesturing to the sofa for him to take a seat. "I'm listening."
Jongin takes a deep breath, trying to collect two years of unspoken feelings into one final confession. "I-I love you," he stammers, looking desperately at Sehun. "But you don't love me."
Sehun frowns at that. "I love you, Jongin. Just not in the way you think you want me to."
"And what way do I want you to?" Jongin asks breathlessly, because all he can remember is how great it felt kissing his best friend two summers ago, breaths hot and needy. He can remember butterfly touches, warm skin against warm skin. The memories that burned into his skull for two years come rushing back all at once, and it hurts.
"I don't know," Sehun sighs. "But whatever way it is, it's not right. Jongin, we're best friends. I'll always love you for that."
"But why couldn't we ever be more?" Jongin pleads. "Why did you reject me when I gave you everything?"
Sehun's eyebrows furrow. "We were nineteen, Jongin. Nineteen, young, and dumb, and full of lust, but not- not love. Did you never get that?"
"But I did lo-"
"You didn't," Sehun cuts him off, shaking his head. "I know you think you did, but you didn't. If you did, you wouldn't have left like that."
Jongin's appalled. He left Sehun because he loved him and Sehun didn't love him back. That doesn't make sense. "No, I left because I didn't want to face you after you rejected me," Jongin hisses.
"But I never rejected you, Jongin," Sehun says, voice suddenly soft. Jongin's eyes flash to his face, surprised. "I never said I didn't love you, just like you never actually said you loved me."
Jongin doesn't understand. He may have never said it, but wasn't it obvious the way he looked at Sehun, the way he kissed him, let him touch him?
"You left because you were scared to fall in love, maybe," Sehun sighs. "But I don't think you really ever did."
"Then-then why- when you're with Tao, I just get so... angry," Jongin whispers. "And why did I miss you the most when I was gone, and why did I... why did I leave?"
"Well, we were best friends, Jongin," Sehun reminds him. "It's kind of normal for you to be a little jealous I'm closer to someone now than I ever was to you. And it's supposed to be normal for you to miss your best friend, you know?"
Jongin frowns. "I... I know, but-"
"But even if you missed me, you never came back, and that says enough already. You left because you always do, Jongin. Even when people ask you not to, you leave."
Jongin shakes his head. "I would never have left if you asked-"
"But I did ask," Sehun interrupts, exasperated. "Don't you remember? We all asked. The day before you were supposed to leave, we came over, but you just ignored us." Sehun watches as Jongin's face twists with the emotions inside of him, confusion and despair distorting his usually beautiful features
"You're in love," Sehun finally says, staring intently at Jongin.
Jongin's heart stops and his breath hitches in that terrible kind of way that says he's in love and he can't hide it and all of his secrets are about to pour out of his skin.
"But not with me."
And Jongin can't even argue, because he knows it's true and he's known it to be true since the moment Kyungsoo stepped into his life. Kyungsoo, who patiently listened to everything Jongin had to say, who offered to wait, who offered to be the shore Jongin would always come back to. Kyungsoo, who Jongin left in an empty room with empty promises and, even worse, empty words.
Kyungsoo, who showed Jongin that people don't have to come and go. They can stay and still be happy.
"You don't love me, Jongin, and you never did. When you love someone, you'll know it. You'll know it because you'll stay this time, and not leave like you always do."
Jongin shakes his head because Sehun is wrong. "No, I'd leave him even if I love him. I can't help it. I- I'll leave him without meaning to."
Sehun frowns. "What do you mean? What happened with Kyungsoo?"
Jongin isn't even surprised that Sehun knows, because apparently Sehun knows everything now because he went and grew up in that time Jongin spent trying to avoid reality.
"I told him I'm leaving again," Jongin breathes. "I- I didn't tell him I loved him."
"When did this happen?"
"Just today," Jongin admits, hanging his head in shame.
Sehun stares. "You mean you came over here instead of going to his place to confess," he deadpans.
Jongin frowns, not liking how it sounds when Sehun says it. "Hey, I needed closure," he defends with a pout.
"Right, well, don't blame me if he closes the door on your ass the next time he sees you," Sehun snorts. Jongin's frown deepens at the possibility.
"Man, what am I going to do?" Jongin whispers, putting his head between his hands. "He'll never forgive me."
Sehun rolls his eyes. "Listen, if what Luhan tells me about you and Kyungsoo is right, then I bet Kyungsoo will forgive you the moment he sees you."
"But he thinks I'm leaving," Jongin cries. "How do I tell him when he thinks I'm supposed to be gone by now?" he asks desperatedly.
Sehun smiles softly, and it's the smile Jongin remembers now, the one he forgot about - the smile of his best friend, the one he pushed off swings and rode bicycles around town with. When they were young and Jongin blamed Sehun for stealing candy, not breaking hearts.
"If you stay, he'll know."
Jongin can only hope.
-
Kyungsoo's not sure how to feel the next morning when there's a loud knock at his door. Half of his mind is saying he's going to kill Baekhyun for waking him up when all he wants to do is sulk in bed for a little longer, and another half of his mind is saying that Baekhyun shouldn't even be awake yet.
Still, who else could that possibly be knocking at his door? No one else but Baekhyun has the key.
"Baekhyun, I will poison your food," Kyungsoo grumbles as he yanks the door open, ready to throw a pillow at Baekhyun's face when he feels the air leave his lungs at the sight in front of him.
"I'm glad I'm not Baekhyun, then," Jongin jokes lamely, smiling slightly at the sight of Kyungsoo, hair messy and eyes wide.
"Jongin," Kyungsoo breathes, dropping the pillow. "What-how-"
"Baekhyun gave me his key," Jongin says, showing the key hanging on his finger.
"How even-?" Kyungsoo asks, confused. Didn't Baekhyun come home earlier? He glances at Baekhyun's room down the hall and sees the door is still open. Baekhyun didn't come home tonight.
"Apparently he was over at Chanyeol's," Jongin answers.
Kyungsoo doesn't even know who Chanyeol is, but Baekhyun is the last of his concerns now (just wait until he gets his hand on him later though for giving away his key. As if Baekhyun doesn't lose his keys enough as is). Right now, all he wants to think about is Jongin standing in front of him.
Maybe I'm dreaming, Kyungsoo thinks pathetically. As he runs his eyes up and down Jongin, though, he refuses to believe this is a dream. No way would he ever dream of Jongin this tired, the bags under his eyes darker than ever and his clothes wrinkled.
Still, it doesn't make sense.
"Why are you still here?" he asks quietly. He thinks he knows the answer, but then again, Kyungsoo thought he knew a lot and half of it turned out wrong when Jongin left him yesterday with bruised lips and an even worse heart.
"Because you're here," Jongin answers "And I want to be anywhere you are."
"Jongin," Kyungsoo says, breathless. "What-"
"I love you, Kyungsoo," Jongin says, words tumbling out of his lips before he can help it. After keeping it in for so long, a sense of urgency falls over Jongin to tell him before it's too late, if it's not already.
The lost look on Kyungsoo's face, however, isn't promising.
"But I thought... Sehun..." Kyungsoo trails off, eyes unfocusing as he loses himself in his thoughts and fears of too many what-ifs.
Jongin doesn't know how Kyungsoo knows about Sehun, but he doesn't even care anymore. "What about Sehun?"
"I thought you loved him," Kyungsoo whispers, as if just saying the words aloud himself hurt.
"I-I thought I did, too," Jongin admits, flinching at the hurt in Kyungsoo's eyes. "But I didn't. At least, not the way I thought. Not the way I love you."
Kyungsoo still doesn't look convinced, doesn't look as if he's awake anymore. He looks like he's about to pass out, and Jongin steps forward just in case he needs to catch him.
"I don't know..." Kyungsoo finally admits. He chews his bottom lip in uncertainty, wanting so badly to take Jongin into his arms and hold him forever. But he's scared of being pushed away again, so he stands there and stares at Jongin desperately, hoping for an answer to his unspoken question.
"I'll tell you anything you want, everything," Jongin says immediately, desperate for Kyungsoo's full trust again.
There's something sincere about Jongin's voice that soothes Kyungsoo. He knows he can't keep Jongin at bay for long, so he gives in and lets himself smile a little. After all, Jongin may look tired and worn away, but he also looks like everything Kyungsoo wants and more.
"How about breakfast first?" Kyungsoo offers instead softly. Jongin lets out the breath he's been holding since the moment he met Kyungsoo and finally smiles.
"That sounds nice."
As they walk into the kitchen, hand in hand, they pass the calendar on the wall reading that it's the first day of autumn. Kyungsoo turns to Jongin one more time to make sure he's there, breath hitching when he catches Jongin's eyes watching him. He squeezes his hand and closes his eyes. He's not going to leave.
"I love you," Kyungsoo says, smiling wider than ever before, and it's the anchor Jongin has always needed to finally keep him ashore.
• fin.
a/n:
- i know what you're thinking - $1.75 is hella expensive for lemonade. but that's business for you. i think.
- this fic takes place in the U.S.A. (or, more specifically, California) for convenience purposes (which really just means i only know about west coast beaches. not surfing. just the beaches.)
- yesi, i know you wanted something fluffy but also serious like 'abstract affection', but idk if this was too... not fluffy u_u sobs i'm sorry ;; but it did end happily? and i did try some humor to balance out the drama? ;;
- unbetaed (part two), so pointing out any mistakes or any CC would be excellent and greatly appreciated! (seriously tho, i wrote this late into the night and idk words stopped making sense around 1AM.)
- not sure if this is important but sehun knows about kyungsoo because luhan tells him everything tbh luhan is sehun's messenger pretty much
- much love to melissa who looked over part one for me though!! and who pushed me to keep writing with our writing dates ^^
- lol this wasn't really a surfers!au it was more like jongin's a surfer and therefore the perfect analogy for a wave and the fic's on a beach yay
- thanks for reading! hope you all enjoyed, especially you yesi!