(no subject)
I am so unbelievably drained it's not even laughable. Well, maybe it is - I did run into the glass door separating our living room from our office. It's got to be the heat. This blanket of humidity that makes me badly want to shave my head and roam naked, it's really that bad. As for life... Well, I really can't complain on that front. Things have all been going well, in most every aspect. The new beer garden opened up a couple months back and is only a few short blocks from my apartment! You know what this means? Awful drunken photos I have to constantly untag myself in. This entry is going to be a little jumbled because I don't much feel like putting it in any sort of organized manner. It's strange, I'm in the clear - In this spot where I can look back, see my blatant mistakes. Living with a female for the first time.. Since well, mom died - That's something that has brought me more emotional stability than I can even begin to describe. Don't get me wrong, there were great times at 3116, earlier on... But Looking back it's mostly just sour due to it's inevitable end. In a recent conversation it was brought to my attention that the way I have conducted myself with men in general has been very unhealthy. I have always slept with every man in my life (negating family members, of course, ew) to gain control over situations in some twisted way. It took someone else saying it to actually make me see the reality of it, the truth in such a statement. The men I've fallen out with in painfully dramatic ways have always been the ones I chose for one reason or another, or due to relationship statuses, not to sleep with. The men I have slept with I've brought to their knees in some sort of vengeful manner that I'm not exactly proud of. Sometimes I'd like to go back and apologize to those I've really hurt. I think it's best I don't, because I'd hate to open wounds I'd like to think have healed on their part. I feel at peace with most of it now, I can say. I can see the wrongs I've done, and the wrongs others have done on me - This clarity that negates my denial. I guess what I'm getting at is I've really closed many doors, and I can feel good about that.
I've been completely cleaning out my black macbook recently so that I can give it to my brother when he moves to California. I've been doing little bits and pieces over the months but now I've moved into the photo folders. And god it's tough to go through about four years worth of photographs of people, places, pets, family... Drugs, ex-beneficial-friend-homemade-pornos... Joseph and Lia do the movie theater. Getting my first tattoo and smearing blood all over the jeep. Getting stoned on the beach. Life in the gardens, life off lantana. Horse-back antics. Most of it I'm deleting because there are things I'm choosing not to forget, but to just not be reminded of. A person that I don't recognize anymore. The person I have come from, the person that inevitably became me now. Fuck-ups have certainly shaped me and I couldn't be more thankful, less regretful. Some things are good to look back on, I feel fondly when viewing - Other things just make me wonder what the hell state of mind I was in. Where was I? I know where I am now, that's something I'm proud of.
I don't really know where this is going, but this lame little fan isn't making the heat any more bearable and I think I may go to bed.
Ps. I love my boyfriend and my dog, too.
Pps. And I hope that junk kills you
(that's the most bitter thing I may ever say)
I've been completely cleaning out my black macbook recently so that I can give it to my brother when he moves to California. I've been doing little bits and pieces over the months but now I've moved into the photo folders. And god it's tough to go through about four years worth of photographs of people, places, pets, family... Drugs, ex-beneficial-friend-homemade-pornos... Joseph and Lia do the movie theater. Getting my first tattoo and smearing blood all over the jeep. Getting stoned on the beach. Life in the gardens, life off lantana. Horse-back antics. Most of it I'm deleting because there are things I'm choosing not to forget, but to just not be reminded of. A person that I don't recognize anymore. The person I have come from, the person that inevitably became me now. Fuck-ups have certainly shaped me and I couldn't be more thankful, less regretful. Some things are good to look back on, I feel fondly when viewing - Other things just make me wonder what the hell state of mind I was in. Where was I? I know where I am now, that's something I'm proud of.
I don't really know where this is going, but this lame little fan isn't making the heat any more bearable and I think I may go to bed.
Ps. I love my boyfriend and my dog, too.
Pps. And I hope that junk kills you
(that's the most bitter thing I may ever say)