Plagiarism (A Bedtime Story)
Title: Plagiarism (A Bedtime Story)
Rating: pg13?
Disclaimer: none of these characters or people or stories are mine.
Summary: Here is the recipe for this story...
1 whole Alexander Skarsgard + extra for garnishing
1 lb. Twilight
1 lb. Crack Cocaine
6 pieces Star Trek
1 fairy godmother (may substitute in 1 Adam Lambert)
1 c Generation Kill, softened
1 c Tru Blood
1/2 c Pushing Daises
1/4 c Harry Potter
1/4 c Holes
1 tbsp Heroes
1 tbsp Inception
1 tsp Ninja
1 tsp AP Lit
1/2 tsp Broadway
1/4 tsp Supernatural
1/4 tsp Lost
1/8 tsp Lord of the Rings
A pinch of White Collar
A dash of Shrek
Mean Girls to taste
Put all ingredients in a blender. Liquify. Refrigerate in an air tight container for up to 2 weeks.
Notes: This was actually a bedtime story. Told to shutupanddplay and then she decided to type it up and make snarky comments. Thanks, darling! (and she made a wonderful picspam to help the confused) This is total crack and yeah I don't even know. It was 4 in the morning okay.
Oh, also, I know nothing about Sweden... don't hate me... I'm sure it is a lovely country.
Plagiarism (A Bedtime Story)
Once upon a time in a land far far away (alright, Sweden), there lived a little prince named Alex. He had a crown. It was shiny and gold and I guess he still has it so this should be in present tense but he doesn't wear it anymore. Alex didn't have many friends. He spent most of his time wandering alone through the woods and meadows near his castle. He wasn't that one weird kid that only gets invited to birthday parties because moms feel bad or anything. He was a cute kid, reasonably intelligent and, well, a fucking prince. There just aren't that many kids to play with in the middle of Sweden. So Alex was surprised and curious when he found a boy playing in his meadow one day. He walked right up to the boy and said, "I am Prince Alex and this is my meadow. Who are you and what are you doing here?" He was unable to contain his lopsided grin.
The other boy looked at him with no emotion and said, "I'm Spock. I am here so we can be friends."
"Okay, but later, if I don't go I'll be late for dinner. And why are you so unhappy?"
"I'm Vulcan," was his only response apart from raising his hand in the traditional salute.
Alex tilted his head in confusion, mumbled, "that looks uncomfortable," and turned to walk home.
Alex never saw Spock again, poor baby. After a week he decided to ask his fairy godmother about the mysterious boy. She confessed that she had sent him away to a boy in Iowa named James Tiberius Kirk. Alex shrugged it off and went back to exploring by himself. But he never liked anyone named James afterward. About a month later, a frog appeared in the woods. Alex kissed it to see if it would turn into a princess. It turned into a boy. His name was Sylar and he was a little bit scary. Alex made sure he was safely in the castle by the time the sun went down each night. The idea of walking through the woods in the dark with Sylar made his skin crawl. But Alex liked him in the daylight. There was something about the way the sun hit his face. Alex never wanted to look away. After two weeks Sylar stopped showing up. Alex's fairy godmother said he had been sent to America to play with a little boy named Milo. Alex pouted in the meadow alone for a week before he started exploring again. Sylar hadn't even said goodbye.
If you were wondering how old Alex was, he was five. In the next paragraph he will be sixteen. Yes, that was abrupt, deal with it.
Alex went to his fairy godmother, yes, again. He asked for a friend. I will never understand why he didn't ask for a princess, but then we wouldn't have a story... She told Alex to get a peach and an onion and to walk to the desert on the far edge of the kingdom, yes, in Sweden. He was to dig a hole in the sand, five feet in width, length and height. He should then sleep in the hole with the peach and the onion. In the morning he should find the yellow spotted lizard with the fewest spots and kiss it. I know that all yellow spotted lizards have eleven spots, but don't tell Alex.
Little Prince Alex- he’s not so little anymore, he’s 16!- is searching all over for the yellow-spotted lizard with the least number of spots, and he’s trying to count the spots but it’s kind of hard because they keep moving around and they’re more scared of him than he is of them but he’s not scared of them because he doesn’t know all the stories about how they kill people so they all seem to have the same number of spots. So Alex is like, well, I guess I’ll just pick one. So he has to chase a couple before he can actually catch one but he finally does and he picks it up and screws up his eyes and kisses it and it’s kind of weird because, you know, it’s a lizard. Aaaaaaand…nothing happens. So Alex is kind of a little pissed off because he went all the way to the desert, dug a hole, slept in it, had an onion and a peach, and kissed a fucking lizard, and nothing happened! So he’s pissed off. So he stalks back to his fairy godmother. She has combat boots, pink, glittery wings, and dreadlocks, aaaaand lace leggings and a purple dress. Got it? Kay. Good. This is really fucked up. Sooooo Alex goes to his fairy godmother and he’s all “I went through the dessert and blah blah blah and nothing happened. Nothing. Happened.” And you know what she said? She said “Sleep on it.” And he gave her that look, and he asked if he had to sleep in another hole and she said no, sleep in your own bed.
So he did.
The next morning he had breakfast with his parents as usual and went to his meadow. In the meadow, there’s a boy. He’s in combat boots too. But other than that he’s just in jeans and a T-shirt. When the boy sees that Alex has seen him, he runs away really really fast. Alex is confused and hopes this isn’t the boy he’s been waiting for.
The next day, though, he talks to the boy. He says, “Hi, I’m Prince Alex and this is my meadow. Who are you and what are you doing here?” The boy says, “My name is Stark Sands. And we shouldn’t be friends.” And now Alex is just confused, because he wished for a friend, not not a friend. So he goes back to his fairy godmother and she tells him a story about people who used to live on this land. They were really really fast and really really strong and really really powerful and not quite human. So Alex gets out his Macbook Pro ™ and does some Googling. Actually, he uses Bing.
The next time he sees the boy in the meadow, he confronts him. He says, “I know what you are.” The boy looks frightened. He says, “You’re impossibly fast. And strong.” Stark says, “Say it. Out loud.” Prince Alex says, “You’re….a Recon Marine.” Stark says, “Are you afraid?” Alex says, “Of course not. You’ll protect me.” Stark smiles and says, “But I’m a vampire too!!!” Alex faints.
Oh, in case you were wondering, Stark is nineteen human years old and has been nineteen for a while.
Alex and Stark frolic throughout the meadow and forest for a few years like ninjas. Alex carefully keeps his boytoy hidden from his father and mother and there’s no one else to keep it hidden from because they live in the middle of nowhere and they have to wash in the lake. BECAUSE ALEXANDER SKARSGARD IS ONE TOUGH ASS NATURE MOTHERFUCKER. TAYLOR SWIFT HEART.
So now Alex is 21. No, wait, that was a lot of years. So, Alex is 19. And so is Stark. Still. Alex decides that he wants to be with Stark forever so he drinks Stark’s blood and becomes a vampire. Actually, that’s a lie. It’s not that easy. It’s WAY more complicated. Stark wants to become a vampire, wait, Stark is a vampire! No, Alex wants to become a vampire. But Stark says, I don’t know how to do that. But I know someone who does! He’s really old. But not like how the Volturi is old. He’s still cute. Soooo they journey to find Stark’s maker and they leave a trail of breadcrumbs behind them so they can find their way back.
After many moons, they find themselves in HERE’S OUR FIRST CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE! They can either find themselves in Peru, orrrr- shut up! I’m a college student, not a storyteller, damn it!- orrrr Washington DC. Okay, PERU.
So they find themselves in the mountains of Peru. And there aren’t any Wendigos there. Stark tells Prince Alex to stay in the tent while Stark goes to talk to his ~friend. Dun dun dun. Stark finds Godric outside of a llama farm- no, an alpaca farm, alpacas are way cooler than llamas- and asks him if he will change Alex into a vampire. Godric is not happy. He wants Stark to be only his forever. So Godric sets up a few barriers or rules or regulations I don’t even know what to call them STIPULATIONS. First, Stark needs to give him a blowjob- right here, right now. Second, there needs to be a night of ~passion before the act is completed. And lastly, every five years, the three must meet up to celebrate the anniversary of Alex being made into a vampire. And by celebrate I mean have an orgy. YUP.
Stark is concerned yet hopeful and goes back to the little yellow tent where Alex is waiting. Upon hearing the terms and conditions, Alex immediately agrees. Sooooo they have a little powwow. Aaaaand Prince Alex wakes up a Prince of Darkness. AKA, he has fangs and doesn’t know how to use them. Godric has layers, like an onion! Or an ogre! Oh, this connects back to the onion thing. What. And it was his ogre-like layers that made him request such profane, sinful acts-
SO, Prince Alex learns to use his fangs. That sounds dirty. His first victim is CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE: MATT BOMER OR TIM DEKAY?! The con artist or the FBI agent? Alright! His first victim is Matt Bomer!
Alex is such a prodigy when it comes to sucking blood that Matt’s fedora never leaves his head. Then Tim DeKay shows up too, so it doesn’t really matter who you picked, but he doesn’t have a fedora to keep on, but his pants don’t stay on either! NO, WAIT, IT WASN’T TIM DEKAY! It was Michael Esper! So Michael Esper shows up too…Michael found them because he sees visions of the future and he wanted to join their ragtag team and Tim DeKay can control emotions because THIS IS TWILIGHT and they’re all Recon Marines, even the FBI agents and con men and guys who sing in musicals and THERE IS NO CARLISLE I DON’T KNOW WHY because Godric would be Carlisle but Godric can’t be Carlisle because does not compute! and Matt Bomer is Rosalie. Because he’s pretty. And he knows it. And he wants a baby. We don’t have an Emmett, okay! We can add more characters later! We’re getting away from Twilight now, so we can get into other vampires, True Blood style, insert gang signs here, because duh, Prince Alex of Sweden equals Eric Northman, which is what Godric calls him because they have a special BOND.
Oh, and they’re no longer in Peru. Now they’re on the island. Yeah. From LOST. Abrupt, I know. But there wasn’t a plane crash. Vampire Alex flew them all there, because he can FLY! He’s special. He’s just that awesome.
This is about the time that he stopped wearing his crown.
So Matt, Tim, and Michael all are human currently. And Stark isn’t very happy about that. So he calls upon…his maker. Again. The demands are the same but three times as harsh. Harsh. In what ways, you ask? Use your imagination. No one seems to have a problem with that. Godric is lucky he’s pretty.
The only animals on the island are crazy mutant polar bears and the occasional smoke monster (hey, he was a person!), so, there’s very little new blood. So the crew ventures to Hawaii- wait, that’s where LOST was filmed! CRAZY! From Hawaii, they take a jet because Godric has his own jet and they fly to Bombay. They seem to have stumbled into someone’s dream because spinning tops never fall and when Arthur leans over to kiss Ariadne it’s really Eames FOR THE WIN and the world has turned back over on itself. If you haven’t seen Inception, stop reading and go do that.
Soooo back to the Prince. Not like the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. What what.
Alex is surrounded by beautiful men but his favorite is still Stark. (DREAMY VOICE) Staarrrkkkk. OH MY GOD XAVIER. JUST KIDDING HE DOESN’T EXIST. And, uh, SOOKEH IS MIIIINE. So Stark is his favorite, right? Yeah, that’s where we were. So they spend long months together in Alaska even though they were just in Bombay. And they’ve only destroyed three houses. But wait, we’re getting away from Twilight!
The rest of the crew spends their days hunting demons. And I don’t really know that much about Supernatural so I’m gonna say they used salt? But the demon-killing kind, not the spilled-popcorn kind- that’s a quote, right? And yes, they’re vampires, but they’re ridding the world of monsters!
And that’s when Godric receives his letter from Hogwarts! He may be 2000 years old, but he’s still 11. That’s SO WRONG. But awesome at the same time. Hagrid knocked on his door and said, “You’re a WIZARD, Godric!” And then Tim DeKay had a pig tail. In seven years, there will be an epic battle and Godric will tell Voldemort that he can’t sit with them in the Great Hall because he’s wearing sweatpants and it’s a Tuesday. “YOU CAN’T SIT WITH US!!! We wear pink on Fridays!” And Tim DeKay still has a tail. Madame Pomfrey couldn’t remove it. Fail.
Stark and Alex take a trip to Iowa so Alex can suck that Tiberius kid’s blood. There’s one problem. Spock is there. OH SHIIII- He has learned that if he kills people, he absorbs their powers! That’s gonna piss someone off. Also, James T Kirk is really cute. Alex starts explaining why he’s going to suck Kirk’s blood but then Spock uses his ultimate power and makes Alex’s argument invalid. Illogical. Whatever. Screwby! What does that even MEAN? Anyway.
Can I get back to Twilight or is it too soon? Because their clan is getting very large and it’s making both the Volturi and the Magister angry. AND NAN FLANAGAN. So they decide to poison the Volturi’s Tru Blood. They use Spock to make that argument valid and the Volturi die. Especially Jane and Demetri but not the cute one! AND ALEC BECAUSE HE HAS JUSTIN BIEBER HAIR. TEAM FELIX FTW. They imprison the Magister in Queen Sophie-Anne’s cage and only feed him animal blood. They also remove his fangs and set him outside in the sun. He sparkles. WHAT THE FUCK.
The whole other reason that Matt and Tim became vampires is because the first time Stark kissed them they died and then he kissed them again and they came back to life and he didn’t want to have to kiss through seran wrap so he made them immortal. AND LEE PACE WAS ADORABLE, OKAY. Duh. Godric…no. Alex opens a bar and he calls it the Pie Hole. Vampires congregate there and sometimes humans. There are many different kinds of pie, all made by the pie maker! He’s not immortal. Or anything special, except a pie maker. I swear I’m not on drugs.
The next time Alex returned to Sweden he did so alone. He wanted some time with his trees. In the meadow? NO. The forest. With his Ents. HAI TREEBEARD.
The boys are bored so they make their bucket lists which doesn’t really make any sense ‘cause they’re never gonna die but it’s the thought that counts. They’ve never gone skydiving. They decide to try it without parachutes. They’re not concerned. Godric knows enough magic to help them. He’s already killed Voldemort by pushing him in front of a bus.
So let’s say Alex has been a vampire for a hundred years. He’s still young! Godric finds a girl named Isabel and they have little baby half vampires. NOW WHAT THE HELL IS A GIRL DOING IN THIS STORY. And then Taylor Lautner shows up from Godric’s past, bitching about how he would’ve been a better choice than Stark and then he sees Tim DeKay- CREEPY OLD MAN- okay, then he sees Matt Bomer and they go off to Alaska to destroy houses together! And then Godric waits for Alex to come back. Actually, no. Stark is waiting for Alex to come back from the Ents. He waits on a road by a tree, shhh, this is important! And he waits, and he takes his boots off with much struggle, and then he eats a carrot, and he waits, and another day happens, not necessarily tomorrow, and GODOT NEVER SHOWS UP, and it’s all very existential. But it’s not talking about God. What. And then they killed Kenny. It’s just a statement of fact. RAWR.
So one day, the Pie Hole gets a special guest: NEIL PATRICK HARRIS! He’s looking for the top cannoli chef to make cannolis for his darling David’s surprise birthday party where there will be kissing. It’s just a fact, again. There will be kissing. Lee Pace is the master cannoli maker- COOKER- even though he’s the pie maker! Because he can’t be the pie maker and the cannoli maker! (DREAMY VOICE) Daaarliiing Daviddd. So finally Alexander Skarsgard returns to Stark and they eat cannolis. NO. They do not eat cannolis. Because they are vampires. They could have cannolis filled with blood! No, they just drink each others’ blood. But what if they want fancy schmancy stuff like margaritas like Talbot makes? TALBOT ISN’T IN THIS STORY. …yet. Unf.
Anyway, so I guess I have to put Talbot in here.
Prince Alex likes to play cards. His favorite games are Euchre and Dutch Blitz. Google it. Bing it! For some reason they like Bing. So do humans, mortals, Muggles, wizards…never mind. So anyway, Iceman needs someone to play cards with. Actually, he needs three someones. *Dirty thoughts* Enter Talbot, Walt and JONATHAN GROFF. Yeah, we needed some more musical boys. He brought some friends for entertainment. Insert Matt Doyle, Wes Taylor, Blake Daniel and T-Trensch. AND PUPPIES!!!!!!! Don’t ask. And cupcakes. Made by the pie maker. And rainbows. And butterflies and- YOU DON’T EVEN GO HERE!
So then they entered- are you ready for this?- STARFLEET ACADEMY. Okay, so, Stark, Alex, Matty Bomer, Tim, Spock, Taylor Lautner, Michael Esper, Walt, Ray (oh yeah so Ray is cool…and a Recon Marine), that Tiberius kid…or not…, and Lt. Nate Fick. Yeah. Nate Fick AND Stark Sands. But, like, the fictional version of Nate Fick, not the real one. Fictionalized? Whatever. Oh, and Bones too! He’s not a porn star, he’s a doctor, damn it. (OR IS HE?) (SHHHH. WE DON’T TALK ABOUT THAT.) When they’re all done with their training- some need more than others- Scotty beams them up to the starship Enterprise. There they meet their new best friend- their collective best friend!- Chekovvvvv! ‘CAUSE HE CAN DO THAT. And by that, I’m not sure what I mean. Use your imagination. And uhhh he’s Russian and shit. Wicter wicter!
Dear reader, I hope you like all these fandoms or else you’re going to be really confused. I’m sorry!!!
Starfleet eventually made the group part ways- they had different talents and were needed elsewhere. Stark and Alex were sent on a special mission to recover (THEY’RE RECON MARINES, DUH) Captain Archer’s prized beagle, Porthos. Spock led a team of Marines to remedy the terrible fate that had befallen the planet of Vulcan. And the rest of the boys quickly climbed the ranks. Except for that Tiberius kid, but whatever.
After many years of serving their planets- countries?- planets, they all got back together and lived happily ever after in their immortality in a giant orgy in the sky.
THE END.
What IS this?
Fiction.
Rating: pg13?
Disclaimer: none of these characters or people or stories are mine.
Summary: Here is the recipe for this story...
1 whole Alexander Skarsgard + extra for garnishing
1 lb. Twilight
1 lb. Crack Cocaine
6 pieces Star Trek
1 fairy godmother (may substitute in 1 Adam Lambert)
1 c Generation Kill, softened
1 c Tru Blood
1/2 c Pushing Daises
1/4 c Harry Potter
1/4 c Holes
1 tbsp Heroes
1 tbsp Inception
1 tsp Ninja
1 tsp AP Lit
1/2 tsp Broadway
1/4 tsp Supernatural
1/4 tsp Lost
1/8 tsp Lord of the Rings
A pinch of White Collar
A dash of Shrek
Mean Girls to taste
Put all ingredients in a blender. Liquify. Refrigerate in an air tight container for up to 2 weeks.
Notes: This was actually a bedtime story. Told to shutupanddplay and then she decided to type it up and make snarky comments. Thanks, darling! (and she made a wonderful picspam to help the confused) This is total crack and yeah I don't even know. It was 4 in the morning okay.
Oh, also, I know nothing about Sweden... don't hate me... I'm sure it is a lovely country.
Plagiarism (A Bedtime Story)
Once upon a time in a land far far away (alright, Sweden), there lived a little prince named Alex. He had a crown. It was shiny and gold and I guess he still has it so this should be in present tense but he doesn't wear it anymore. Alex didn't have many friends. He spent most of his time wandering alone through the woods and meadows near his castle. He wasn't that one weird kid that only gets invited to birthday parties because moms feel bad or anything. He was a cute kid, reasonably intelligent and, well, a fucking prince. There just aren't that many kids to play with in the middle of Sweden. So Alex was surprised and curious when he found a boy playing in his meadow one day. He walked right up to the boy and said, "I am Prince Alex and this is my meadow. Who are you and what are you doing here?" He was unable to contain his lopsided grin.
The other boy looked at him with no emotion and said, "I'm Spock. I am here so we can be friends."
"Okay, but later, if I don't go I'll be late for dinner. And why are you so unhappy?"
"I'm Vulcan," was his only response apart from raising his hand in the traditional salute.
Alex tilted his head in confusion, mumbled, "that looks uncomfortable," and turned to walk home.
Alex never saw Spock again, poor baby. After a week he decided to ask his fairy godmother about the mysterious boy. She confessed that she had sent him away to a boy in Iowa named James Tiberius Kirk. Alex shrugged it off and went back to exploring by himself. But he never liked anyone named James afterward. About a month later, a frog appeared in the woods. Alex kissed it to see if it would turn into a princess. It turned into a boy. His name was Sylar and he was a little bit scary. Alex made sure he was safely in the castle by the time the sun went down each night. The idea of walking through the woods in the dark with Sylar made his skin crawl. But Alex liked him in the daylight. There was something about the way the sun hit his face. Alex never wanted to look away. After two weeks Sylar stopped showing up. Alex's fairy godmother said he had been sent to America to play with a little boy named Milo. Alex pouted in the meadow alone for a week before he started exploring again. Sylar hadn't even said goodbye.
If you were wondering how old Alex was, he was five. In the next paragraph he will be sixteen. Yes, that was abrupt, deal with it.
Alex went to his fairy godmother, yes, again. He asked for a friend. I will never understand why he didn't ask for a princess, but then we wouldn't have a story... She told Alex to get a peach and an onion and to walk to the desert on the far edge of the kingdom, yes, in Sweden. He was to dig a hole in the sand, five feet in width, length and height. He should then sleep in the hole with the peach and the onion. In the morning he should find the yellow spotted lizard with the fewest spots and kiss it. I know that all yellow spotted lizards have eleven spots, but don't tell Alex.
Little Prince Alex- he’s not so little anymore, he’s 16!- is searching all over for the yellow-spotted lizard with the least number of spots, and he’s trying to count the spots but it’s kind of hard because they keep moving around and they’re more scared of him than he is of them but he’s not scared of them because he doesn’t know all the stories about how they kill people so they all seem to have the same number of spots. So Alex is like, well, I guess I’ll just pick one. So he has to chase a couple before he can actually catch one but he finally does and he picks it up and screws up his eyes and kisses it and it’s kind of weird because, you know, it’s a lizard. Aaaaaaand…nothing happens. So Alex is kind of a little pissed off because he went all the way to the desert, dug a hole, slept in it, had an onion and a peach, and kissed a fucking lizard, and nothing happened! So he’s pissed off. So he stalks back to his fairy godmother. She has combat boots, pink, glittery wings, and dreadlocks, aaaaand lace leggings and a purple dress. Got it? Kay. Good. This is really fucked up. Sooooo Alex goes to his fairy godmother and he’s all “I went through the dessert and blah blah blah and nothing happened. Nothing. Happened.” And you know what she said? She said “Sleep on it.” And he gave her that look, and he asked if he had to sleep in another hole and she said no, sleep in your own bed.
So he did.
The next morning he had breakfast with his parents as usual and went to his meadow. In the meadow, there’s a boy. He’s in combat boots too. But other than that he’s just in jeans and a T-shirt. When the boy sees that Alex has seen him, he runs away really really fast. Alex is confused and hopes this isn’t the boy he’s been waiting for.
The next day, though, he talks to the boy. He says, “Hi, I’m Prince Alex and this is my meadow. Who are you and what are you doing here?” The boy says, “My name is Stark Sands. And we shouldn’t be friends.” And now Alex is just confused, because he wished for a friend, not not a friend. So he goes back to his fairy godmother and she tells him a story about people who used to live on this land. They were really really fast and really really strong and really really powerful and not quite human. So Alex gets out his Macbook Pro ™ and does some Googling. Actually, he uses Bing.
The next time he sees the boy in the meadow, he confronts him. He says, “I know what you are.” The boy looks frightened. He says, “You’re impossibly fast. And strong.” Stark says, “Say it. Out loud.” Prince Alex says, “You’re….a Recon Marine.” Stark says, “Are you afraid?” Alex says, “Of course not. You’ll protect me.” Stark smiles and says, “But I’m a vampire too!!!” Alex faints.
Oh, in case you were wondering, Stark is nineteen human years old and has been nineteen for a while.
Alex and Stark frolic throughout the meadow and forest for a few years like ninjas. Alex carefully keeps his boytoy hidden from his father and mother and there’s no one else to keep it hidden from because they live in the middle of nowhere and they have to wash in the lake. BECAUSE ALEXANDER SKARSGARD IS ONE TOUGH ASS NATURE MOTHERFUCKER. TAYLOR SWIFT HEART.
So now Alex is 21. No, wait, that was a lot of years. So, Alex is 19. And so is Stark. Still. Alex decides that he wants to be with Stark forever so he drinks Stark’s blood and becomes a vampire. Actually, that’s a lie. It’s not that easy. It’s WAY more complicated. Stark wants to become a vampire, wait, Stark is a vampire! No, Alex wants to become a vampire. But Stark says, I don’t know how to do that. But I know someone who does! He’s really old. But not like how the Volturi is old. He’s still cute. Soooo they journey to find Stark’s maker and they leave a trail of breadcrumbs behind them so they can find their way back.
After many moons, they find themselves in HERE’S OUR FIRST CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE! They can either find themselves in Peru, orrrr- shut up! I’m a college student, not a storyteller, damn it!- orrrr Washington DC. Okay, PERU.
So they find themselves in the mountains of Peru. And there aren’t any Wendigos there. Stark tells Prince Alex to stay in the tent while Stark goes to talk to his ~friend. Dun dun dun. Stark finds Godric outside of a llama farm- no, an alpaca farm, alpacas are way cooler than llamas- and asks him if he will change Alex into a vampire. Godric is not happy. He wants Stark to be only his forever. So Godric sets up a few barriers or rules or regulations I don’t even know what to call them STIPULATIONS. First, Stark needs to give him a blowjob- right here, right now. Second, there needs to be a night of ~passion before the act is completed. And lastly, every five years, the three must meet up to celebrate the anniversary of Alex being made into a vampire. And by celebrate I mean have an orgy. YUP.
Stark is concerned yet hopeful and goes back to the little yellow tent where Alex is waiting. Upon hearing the terms and conditions, Alex immediately agrees. Sooooo they have a little powwow. Aaaaand Prince Alex wakes up a Prince of Darkness. AKA, he has fangs and doesn’t know how to use them. Godric has layers, like an onion! Or an ogre! Oh, this connects back to the onion thing. What. And it was his ogre-like layers that made him request such profane, sinful acts-
SO, Prince Alex learns to use his fangs. That sounds dirty. His first victim is CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE: MATT BOMER OR TIM DEKAY?! The con artist or the FBI agent? Alright! His first victim is Matt Bomer!
Alex is such a prodigy when it comes to sucking blood that Matt’s fedora never leaves his head. Then Tim DeKay shows up too, so it doesn’t really matter who you picked, but he doesn’t have a fedora to keep on, but his pants don’t stay on either! NO, WAIT, IT WASN’T TIM DEKAY! It was Michael Esper! So Michael Esper shows up too…Michael found them because he sees visions of the future and he wanted to join their ragtag team and Tim DeKay can control emotions because THIS IS TWILIGHT and they’re all Recon Marines, even the FBI agents and con men and guys who sing in musicals and THERE IS NO CARLISLE I DON’T KNOW WHY because Godric would be Carlisle but Godric can’t be Carlisle because does not compute! and Matt Bomer is Rosalie. Because he’s pretty. And he knows it. And he wants a baby. We don’t have an Emmett, okay! We can add more characters later! We’re getting away from Twilight now, so we can get into other vampires, True Blood style, insert gang signs here, because duh, Prince Alex of Sweden equals Eric Northman, which is what Godric calls him because they have a special BOND.
Oh, and they’re no longer in Peru. Now they’re on the island. Yeah. From LOST. Abrupt, I know. But there wasn’t a plane crash. Vampire Alex flew them all there, because he can FLY! He’s special. He’s just that awesome.
This is about the time that he stopped wearing his crown.
So Matt, Tim, and Michael all are human currently. And Stark isn’t very happy about that. So he calls upon…his maker. Again. The demands are the same but three times as harsh. Harsh. In what ways, you ask? Use your imagination. No one seems to have a problem with that. Godric is lucky he’s pretty.
The only animals on the island are crazy mutant polar bears and the occasional smoke monster (hey, he was a person!), so, there’s very little new blood. So the crew ventures to Hawaii- wait, that’s where LOST was filmed! CRAZY! From Hawaii, they take a jet because Godric has his own jet and they fly to Bombay. They seem to have stumbled into someone’s dream because spinning tops never fall and when Arthur leans over to kiss Ariadne it’s really Eames FOR THE WIN and the world has turned back over on itself. If you haven’t seen Inception, stop reading and go do that.
Soooo back to the Prince. Not like the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. What what.
Alex is surrounded by beautiful men but his favorite is still Stark. (DREAMY VOICE) Staarrrkkkk. OH MY GOD XAVIER. JUST KIDDING HE DOESN’T EXIST. And, uh, SOOKEH IS MIIIINE. So Stark is his favorite, right? Yeah, that’s where we were. So they spend long months together in Alaska even though they were just in Bombay. And they’ve only destroyed three houses. But wait, we’re getting away from Twilight!
The rest of the crew spends their days hunting demons. And I don’t really know that much about Supernatural so I’m gonna say they used salt? But the demon-killing kind, not the spilled-popcorn kind- that’s a quote, right? And yes, they’re vampires, but they’re ridding the world of monsters!
And that’s when Godric receives his letter from Hogwarts! He may be 2000 years old, but he’s still 11. That’s SO WRONG. But awesome at the same time. Hagrid knocked on his door and said, “You’re a WIZARD, Godric!” And then Tim DeKay had a pig tail. In seven years, there will be an epic battle and Godric will tell Voldemort that he can’t sit with them in the Great Hall because he’s wearing sweatpants and it’s a Tuesday. “YOU CAN’T SIT WITH US!!! We wear pink on Fridays!” And Tim DeKay still has a tail. Madame Pomfrey couldn’t remove it. Fail.
Stark and Alex take a trip to Iowa so Alex can suck that Tiberius kid’s blood. There’s one problem. Spock is there. OH SHIIII- He has learned that if he kills people, he absorbs their powers! That’s gonna piss someone off. Also, James T Kirk is really cute. Alex starts explaining why he’s going to suck Kirk’s blood but then Spock uses his ultimate power and makes Alex’s argument invalid. Illogical. Whatever. Screwby! What does that even MEAN? Anyway.
Can I get back to Twilight or is it too soon? Because their clan is getting very large and it’s making both the Volturi and the Magister angry. AND NAN FLANAGAN. So they decide to poison the Volturi’s Tru Blood. They use Spock to make that argument valid and the Volturi die. Especially Jane and Demetri but not the cute one! AND ALEC BECAUSE HE HAS JUSTIN BIEBER HAIR. TEAM FELIX FTW. They imprison the Magister in Queen Sophie-Anne’s cage and only feed him animal blood. They also remove his fangs and set him outside in the sun. He sparkles. WHAT THE FUCK.
The whole other reason that Matt and Tim became vampires is because the first time Stark kissed them they died and then he kissed them again and they came back to life and he didn’t want to have to kiss through seran wrap so he made them immortal. AND LEE PACE WAS ADORABLE, OKAY. Duh. Godric…no. Alex opens a bar and he calls it the Pie Hole. Vampires congregate there and sometimes humans. There are many different kinds of pie, all made by the pie maker! He’s not immortal. Or anything special, except a pie maker. I swear I’m not on drugs.
The next time Alex returned to Sweden he did so alone. He wanted some time with his trees. In the meadow? NO. The forest. With his Ents. HAI TREEBEARD.
The boys are bored so they make their bucket lists which doesn’t really make any sense ‘cause they’re never gonna die but it’s the thought that counts. They’ve never gone skydiving. They decide to try it without parachutes. They’re not concerned. Godric knows enough magic to help them. He’s already killed Voldemort by pushing him in front of a bus.
So let’s say Alex has been a vampire for a hundred years. He’s still young! Godric finds a girl named Isabel and they have little baby half vampires. NOW WHAT THE HELL IS A GIRL DOING IN THIS STORY. And then Taylor Lautner shows up from Godric’s past, bitching about how he would’ve been a better choice than Stark and then he sees Tim DeKay- CREEPY OLD MAN- okay, then he sees Matt Bomer and they go off to Alaska to destroy houses together! And then Godric waits for Alex to come back. Actually, no. Stark is waiting for Alex to come back from the Ents. He waits on a road by a tree, shhh, this is important! And he waits, and he takes his boots off with much struggle, and then he eats a carrot, and he waits, and another day happens, not necessarily tomorrow, and GODOT NEVER SHOWS UP, and it’s all very existential. But it’s not talking about God. What. And then they killed Kenny. It’s just a statement of fact. RAWR.
So one day, the Pie Hole gets a special guest: NEIL PATRICK HARRIS! He’s looking for the top cannoli chef to make cannolis for his darling David’s surprise birthday party where there will be kissing. It’s just a fact, again. There will be kissing. Lee Pace is the master cannoli maker- COOKER- even though he’s the pie maker! Because he can’t be the pie maker and the cannoli maker! (DREAMY VOICE) Daaarliiing Daviddd. So finally Alexander Skarsgard returns to Stark and they eat cannolis. NO. They do not eat cannolis. Because they are vampires. They could have cannolis filled with blood! No, they just drink each others’ blood. But what if they want fancy schmancy stuff like margaritas like Talbot makes? TALBOT ISN’T IN THIS STORY. …yet. Unf.
Anyway, so I guess I have to put Talbot in here.
Prince Alex likes to play cards. His favorite games are Euchre and Dutch Blitz. Google it. Bing it! For some reason they like Bing. So do humans, mortals, Muggles, wizards…never mind. So anyway, Iceman needs someone to play cards with. Actually, he needs three someones. *Dirty thoughts* Enter Talbot, Walt and JONATHAN GROFF. Yeah, we needed some more musical boys. He brought some friends for entertainment. Insert Matt Doyle, Wes Taylor, Blake Daniel and T-Trensch. AND PUPPIES!!!!!!! Don’t ask. And cupcakes. Made by the pie maker. And rainbows. And butterflies and- YOU DON’T EVEN GO HERE!
So then they entered- are you ready for this?- STARFLEET ACADEMY. Okay, so, Stark, Alex, Matty Bomer, Tim, Spock, Taylor Lautner, Michael Esper, Walt, Ray (oh yeah so Ray is cool…and a Recon Marine), that Tiberius kid…or not…, and Lt. Nate Fick. Yeah. Nate Fick AND Stark Sands. But, like, the fictional version of Nate Fick, not the real one. Fictionalized? Whatever. Oh, and Bones too! He’s not a porn star, he’s a doctor, damn it. (OR IS HE?) (SHHHH. WE DON’T TALK ABOUT THAT.) When they’re all done with their training- some need more than others- Scotty beams them up to the starship Enterprise. There they meet their new best friend- their collective best friend!- Chekovvvvv! ‘CAUSE HE CAN DO THAT. And by that, I’m not sure what I mean. Use your imagination. And uhhh he’s Russian and shit. Wicter wicter!
Dear reader, I hope you like all these fandoms or else you’re going to be really confused. I’m sorry!!!
Starfleet eventually made the group part ways- they had different talents and were needed elsewhere. Stark and Alex were sent on a special mission to recover (THEY’RE RECON MARINES, DUH) Captain Archer’s prized beagle, Porthos. Spock led a team of Marines to remedy the terrible fate that had befallen the planet of Vulcan. And the rest of the boys quickly climbed the ranks. Except for that Tiberius kid, but whatever.
After many years of serving their planets- countries?- planets, they all got back together and lived happily ever after in their immortality in a giant orgy in the sky.
THE END.
What IS this?
Fiction.