She begins to notice things she never had done before. Things she had grown used too.
Mark would reach and push her red hair behind her ear as if it were a habit. More often than not he wouldn’t stop talking when he did so but would simply carry on, as if such a small but infinitely intimate gesture was and had always been, perfectly natural. For a long time it had been.
She felt something different in it now though. They had slept together before, and so perhaps she had simply ignored the fact she had always felt something secret and indescribable for him. Since Derek had grown so distant in the past few months though, Mark had become a much more present and prominent force. He moved her inexplicably when all Addison wanted was to stay where she was, with her husband, in the life she had built. Maybe she felt that if she stayed as she was, Derek would somehow find his way back.
He never did. He talked to her less and less. She would notice how he didn’t smile at her, and then see how Mark did. Mark would drape an arm across the back of her chair when Derek would be too absorbed in something or other to even be present. Some days she wished Derek would let her go, instead of keeping her when he didn’t want her. She was too afraid to leave by herself. To afraid to turn to Mark and his gentle eyes even though she desperately wanted too.
It became a vicious circle. Derek and she would not leave, and Mark would never make either of them. Sometimes he tried to talk to her about what was best, and what would make her happy, but would drop it when she refused to talk about it. He was being cruel and kind, letting her choose but making her stay.
If only she could be brave. If only she could let herself love Mark, as she became so sure that she did, somewhere, in the darkest corners of herself where he existed. People talked about heartbeats, but they never talked about what creeps in, in the in between, the small second between each thump that called out your secret things. This is where Mark was kept. Addison so badly wanted to let him bleed back into her veins, but how scared, how scared she was that somehow he’d break her, trapped inside the cage of her fear.
Mark would reach and push her red hair behind her ear as if it were a habit. More often than not he wouldn’t stop talking when he did so but would simply carry on, as if such a small but infinitely intimate gesture was and had always been, perfectly natural. For a long time it had been.
She felt something different in it now though. They had slept together before, and so perhaps she had simply ignored the fact she had always felt something secret and indescribable for him. Since Derek had grown so distant in the past few months though, Mark had become a much more present and prominent force. He moved her inexplicably when all Addison wanted was to stay where she was, with her husband, in the life she had built. Maybe she felt that if she stayed as she was, Derek would somehow find his way back.
He never did. He talked to her less and less. She would notice how he didn’t smile at her, and then see how Mark did. Mark would drape an arm across the back of her chair when Derek would be too absorbed in something or other to even be present. Some days she wished Derek would let her go, instead of keeping her when he didn’t want her. She was too afraid to leave by herself. To afraid to turn to Mark and his gentle eyes even though she desperately wanted too.
It became a vicious circle. Derek and she would not leave, and Mark would never make either of them. Sometimes he tried to talk to her about what was best, and what would make her happy, but would drop it when she refused to talk about it. He was being cruel and kind, letting her choose but making her stay.
If only she could be brave. If only she could let herself love Mark, as she became so sure that she did, somewhere, in the darkest corners of herself where he existed. People talked about heartbeats, but they never talked about what creeps in, in the in between, the small second between each thump that called out your secret things. This is where Mark was kept. Addison so badly wanted to let him bleed back into her veins, but how scared, how scared she was that somehow he’d break her, trapped inside the cage of her fear.
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