The Japanese Spa, or Onsen
The place seems more mental institution than spa. A large open room, every inch is covered in cheap, white, scrubabble, tile. The one notable exception are the two fans locked into the ceiling with wire coverings, impossibly high - to prevent suicide attempts, I think. A woman in surgical gloves with a clipboard is checking the water temperature and ignoring the inmates.
Three legged stools made of wood line the entire length of the far wall, each with an accompanying shower head and naked Japanese woman. One of them lifts up her butt cheek and scrubs underneath.
This, apparently, is an onsen, the height of Japanese rest and relaxation. Come to the spa, get naked, lie down on a heated floor with a slab of wood as your pillow, and go home refreshed.
I walk inside trying to look as if I do this every day, as if I don't feel my retinas burning away from all the naked flesh. A group of old gossipy women look up at me from the hottub and turn quiet. A foreigner is in their midst.
"What gangly and unproportioned limbs you have," they telecommunicate.
"All the better to run back to Canada with," I telecommunicate back.
"What white skin you have", they say.
"All the better to blend in with the tile walls," I say.
"What actual breasts you have," they say.
"All the better to...wait, what?"
Then it hits me. I'm in the middle of a room with 100 naked women and I'm the only one with boobs. Don't worry Diana. Just hum your Beatles songs and it won't be so bad. The Beatles came to Japan. They were okay. Well, except for when Paul got arrested for drugs and was in jail for 11 days. And they didn't have breasts. Shit.
I know, I'll take a shower. Prove that I'm a clean, respectable person. It's not so bad. Look, some helpful matron has labeled the bottles of soap, shampoo and conditioner in English so I can tell them apart. How nice of her.
"Gaijin! Shower! Anata wa skushoshi to mo ichido soap, soap, soap!"
"Whaaaa!!!"
Some ancient lady with damp hair is hanging over me and shoving the soap bottle into my hands.
"Oh I know." I say, pointing at the label. "S-O-A-P. Soap. Thank you."
Well, I guess she was just trying to be helpful. I put the soap down and am just about to pick up the shampoo when naked old lady is bending over me again.
"Gaijin! Anata wa yumeto wa tebukuro shampoo, shampoo, shampoo!"
"Ahhhhhh! Oh, it's you again, old crazy lady. Thank you, I know. Shampoo. Yes, yes."
Guess what happens with the conditioner? Oh, and gaijin, let me show you how to use a water tap. Oh, and do you need help rinsing off? Let me point this shower head at you and turn the water to boiling lobster bisque temperature.
Nothing like a relaxing day at the spa.
Three legged stools made of wood line the entire length of the far wall, each with an accompanying shower head and naked Japanese woman. One of them lifts up her butt cheek and scrubs underneath.
This, apparently, is an onsen, the height of Japanese rest and relaxation. Come to the spa, get naked, lie down on a heated floor with a slab of wood as your pillow, and go home refreshed.
I walk inside trying to look as if I do this every day, as if I don't feel my retinas burning away from all the naked flesh. A group of old gossipy women look up at me from the hottub and turn quiet. A foreigner is in their midst.
"What gangly and unproportioned limbs you have," they telecommunicate.
"All the better to run back to Canada with," I telecommunicate back.
"What white skin you have", they say.
"All the better to blend in with the tile walls," I say.
"What actual breasts you have," they say.
"All the better to...wait, what?"
Then it hits me. I'm in the middle of a room with 100 naked women and I'm the only one with boobs. Don't worry Diana. Just hum your Beatles songs and it won't be so bad. The Beatles came to Japan. They were okay. Well, except for when Paul got arrested for drugs and was in jail for 11 days. And they didn't have breasts. Shit.
I know, I'll take a shower. Prove that I'm a clean, respectable person. It's not so bad. Look, some helpful matron has labeled the bottles of soap, shampoo and conditioner in English so I can tell them apart. How nice of her.
"Gaijin! Shower! Anata wa skushoshi to mo ichido soap, soap, soap!"
"Whaaaa!!!"
Some ancient lady with damp hair is hanging over me and shoving the soap bottle into my hands.
"Oh I know." I say, pointing at the label. "S-O-A-P. Soap. Thank you."
Well, I guess she was just trying to be helpful. I put the soap down and am just about to pick up the shampoo when naked old lady is bending over me again.
"Gaijin! Anata wa yumeto wa tebukuro shampoo, shampoo, shampoo!"
"Ahhhhhh! Oh, it's you again, old crazy lady. Thank you, I know. Shampoo. Yes, yes."
Guess what happens with the conditioner? Oh, and gaijin, let me show you how to use a water tap. Oh, and do you need help rinsing off? Let me point this shower head at you and turn the water to boiling lobster bisque temperature.
Nothing like a relaxing day at the spa.