wips.
A/N: Well, we're back on this. But only with unfinished stuff and prompts :( Please wrap me some time and give it to me as a present, might be needing it. Anyway, these are mostly from inspirations around me. Things people say, a professor or a friend or some train passage (i find that i really like those i've read) and i'm a sort of person that paints them in a different way ahahaha. ok, being too chatty, wips are under the cut.
*
August 28, 2013
The time away from each other has made us forget. The happiness. And the pain. Made us forget about our own meaning of togetherness. It's different for both of us now. And as more time ticks away I thought I might have forgotten everything, but something still remains.
"you laugh different now,"
"you sound like me now."
"really? Maybe."
"you really sound like me now. Should i try mimicking you?"
"alright do it."
"do you love me?"
"i dont know."
We both laugh. Because in a locked away corner of our memory and our hearts, we know. We remember. This is how we used to be. And we had each other then. It wasn't about time at all. Even in the beginning, even now, it has always been about us. But time ticks away on its own, and now we live out our new meaning of togetherness. You walk away from me, and now I know how you must have felt when I walked away from you. A hundred times more painful than the dull in my chest and the lump in my throat.
Time ticks away on its own, separating us once again, and maybe this time we will let it.
*
You aren't mine to keep and she isn't either but she's here. So who am i to deny her of my love when it's real. I'd like to have her. Really have her. Take risks with her and never bother if we regret it. Never lose her even with those risks. Regret but create many more memories.
I miss you. I miss you everyday. Sometimes it hurts when i don't miss you. I know I'll still miss you. But allow me to let go of you now, and let her have me. Whole. Just like once how you had.
*
In a sense I had been so distant from people, all I can do is stumble into myself. Catch the words I am about to say before I can even mutter it out and think excessively about what people would think, or about how I should think if they think a certain way. In a sense I had been so distant but bits and pieces of them live inside me, crawling and gnawing and lashing the pieces that aren't really mine.
It had nothing to do with distances at all. I have allowed them to exist in me, just as how people are usually associated with who they are friends with, who their boss is, who does their dry-cleaning.
I am worse than them because a population grows within my mind, seeking permission with just a single judgement. I am stranded, unable to move. And I'm afraid one day my heart will stop by will because it has a coward for a container.
*
Your thoughts consume you, until you are your thoughts. Though sometimes your thoughts are too distant, they are unlike you. Too different. Too faraway. But they are your thoughts, no matter how far. You think, since your thoughts are you, that you are simply traveling (a part of you, that is). Sometimes walking, running, hopping, skidding along pavements you used to know. The pace is different. But your thoughts are you. Even when the physical is only left to sit and ponder and look. Your thoughts are you, traveling great distances in this world and another.
Your thoughts do not rest. Even when the physical is weak and tired and collapsing. Thoughts are strong, so in a sense, you feel like you should be. But you sink more in your seat and watch the pitter-patter of the rain and its accumulation in the fountain right across the café you are in. Your thoughts can wander wherever now, but you, you only wish to stay here.
Here where it does not hurt.
And there, where your thoughts drift into and out. Where it hurts, you let it hurt somewhere far. Your thoughts bring you there.
But here, right across where your heart used to lay so openly, in the sun and the shade and all of her - though she is not here now, probably never going to be - is where your thought stops and your heart begins.
*
Greatest happiness principle: From Options A and B, both producing different degrees of fulfillment and point to varying levels of satisfaction, which would benefit a greater number of individuals? Which would yield to the best rewards? What makes one more advantageous from the other? Answer carefully, because choosing will definitely lead to a broken heart.