the summer's gone, and all the roses are dying
the summer's gone, and all the roses are dying
→ Kyuhyun/Sooyoung
→ 1,930 words
→ You fail to see the good in most things. It's such a human thing to do.
You splash water on your face, as if it were to clear your head of the faults you were going to make. Except, it really won’t change anything-“You must be lonely,” You say it again and again, until it never really hurts. The mirror in front of you tells otherwise, because no matter how you see it, mistakes are simply just like scars that never heal.
Not until you learn to forgive yourself. And you were never exactly the person to do that. You throw the razor away but the cold lingering feeling stays intact on your wrist. You’ve become so aware of it, that you jerk away from Jessica when she tries to pull you by the wrist to the van.
She looks at you strangely, and then soon enough everyone else does. It scares you sometimes, because it feels like you’re giving too much away and they’re seeing past the boundaries of the brave girl you used to be.
No. It can’t be. So you distract yourself with-anything, dance practice, voice lessons, acting lessons, blind dates, everything; just that you don’t see that look in their eyes anymore.
“Wow, you’re really killing yourself.”
“W-What?” You turn around to see Kyuhyun by the door, arms crossed comfortably like he’s been watching you for a while.
(Of course he doesn’t know that that remark caused an explosion in every cell in your body because you have been trying to kill yourself, or at least, you did and have failed miserably.)
Obviously noticing that you were startled, he eases his way in your practice room with a smile, coyly adding his real intention. “What I mean to say is-you should go take a rest. You’ve been practicing for hours.”
“I will - uhm… later, I think.”
“How about now? We can go to that restaurant you always talked about, yea?”
“That’s nice but I really gotta learn this quick. Next time?”
Quickly, you learn that ‘next time’ isn’t as soon as the two of you thought. You depart Korea and fly to Japan and try your best to smile, be happy and put the loneliness at the very back of your mind. Suddenly (or not really), in the middle of the plane ride back home, you forget the reason why you were unhappy in the first place; just that you’re unhappy now and you can’t seem to change that anymore.
Kyuhyun sneaks to your practice again. And you earn a few suspicious glances from some of the girls. Kyuhyun catches you off guard again. He smiles at you and mentions how you’re always aware of many stuff but never of him. You laugh, because you shouldn’t be aware of him much. He argues that you should because you’re always aware, he says.
“Am I?”
“Yea, definitely I’ve told myself before that you were probably a witch or something. You always notice stuff and you know… that’s odd, really. Or is it that you’re thinking too much lately that you don’t notice peoples’ ulterior motives anymore?”
“And I suppose, your ulterior motive is to have a date with me, shag the hot chick, then tell your hyungs about it.”
“Woah, slow down. You’re not that hot, Choi. You’re getting over yourself for a second there.”
“Then no date for you, Cho.”
“Fine, fine, fine - wait! Goddamit, Choi Sooyoung, you’re hot. You’re blazing. You’re hotter than the hottest day of this summer. Please go on a date with me.”
So it is then assumed that you (hotter than the hottest day of summer) would go out with him. It could be a good thing, you tell yourself as often as you remember. But you don’t understand that lurching feeling at the pit of your stomach - sometimes you’d like to, but nowadays even simple things scare you so you avoid that completely at first thought.
It scares you an odd number of times when he’s just there, seemingly comfortable in a simple dinner with you, wearing the most content smile you’ve seen in a while. “What’s wrong?” You murmur - and a smile is still on his lips as he shakes his head at you.
Then there it is again, that uncomfortable shift somewhere in your stomach.
A moment of silence passes, before he takes the initiative to finally do something. Kyuhyun stands up, “We should go to the Han River!” blinks and sits back down again. “That was odd, wasn’t it?”
You laugh and waste your time mocking his lame idea. He laughs too. “I’m sorry that was really horrible.”
An awkward second of silence passes. You pick up your cup. You fix your hair. You look at him in the eyes and smile. “I like it actually.”
But neither of you move. You waste your time looking at the way his lips pull into a smile easily and he wastes his time looking at the way you put on a façade. A mask he’s very willing to rip off of your face.
*
“What are you doing here?” You sit next to him on the floor, legs crossed, blocking the door to his practice room. You hear noise, footsteps and a track constantly playing in the background. “Aren’t you going to practice?”
“We’ve got a five minute break. I just wanted to finish this book I’m reading.” Kyuhyun brings his book up and shows you the cover and opens it again to the page he was reading.
You snort, “You and Juhyun are really alike.”
“And then?”
“And then what?” You divert your glance to his direction and he’s actually looking at you. Kyuhyun raises a brow.
“What are you trying to say?”
“You two really match.” You look at the floor and focus your attention to the little details about it (Yea, the floor, because it hurts looking at Kyuhyun nowadays. And you don’t even know why), just to distract yourself from him.
“You just don’t get it, do you?”
You kiss him on the lips. And it’s nothing you expected it to be like. Kissing him doesn’t feel like a mistake. It doesn’t feel wrong and maybe for the longest short painful moment in your life, Kyuhyun has always been the only real thing you’ve got.
You pull away and quickly look down to avoid his gaze. He chuckles dryly. “When you kiss me, at least have the courage to look me in the eye and tell me what it’s for.”
*
“I kissed Kyuhyun.”
Jessica’s expression is unfazed, almost like she had expected it to happen. “And then? How was it like?”
“I-I-It felt normal. Like, you know, a normal kiss. What else is it supposed to feel like?”
She keeps a straight face and nonchalantly gives her reply. “You love Kyuhyun, Sooyoung. There’s supposed to be something different there.”
“I suppose he makes me feel at ease. Something like I know he’s going to stick around even if I throw him away. That he’s just there for me…. or something. I couldn’t say that he makes me happy for sure but I know he makes me feel better about myself…. that- that I’m not nobody, that I’m needed.”
“You didn’t deny that you don’t love him so…”
“So?”
“You’re reduced to society’s lowest, Choi Sooyoung - a lovestruck fool. So how was the kiss? Is he a good kisser?”
“Jung Jessica, shut it.”
“You know, you are needed. It’s pretty offending to hear you say stuff that he’s the only person that makes you feel better. Because what are we now? Soccer players? We’re your friends, and we sure as hell want you to be happy… or whatever, I’m the ice princess anyway so I’m not supposed to give shit about this.”
“….Wow, I’m sorry. That was… that was just really stupid.” Your tone was depleting and naturally, Jessica has always given people shit, even the ones they can’t bare so what she said was definitely a lie. But for once, you appreciate the shit she’s thrown at you.
“It’s okay. I’m not melodramatic. Just don’t say things like that to Tiffany or Yuri. It’ll be a sobsfest in the dorm, I’m telling you.”
“I know that. Thank you for understanding.”
“And?”
“I love you?”
“Yea, I know you do. Wanna play tetris?”
You decline her offer but give Jessica a kiss on the forehead as thanks because you know it has been a while. You’ve been hanging by a cliff for so long only to know that it you’re merely a few inches off safe ground. Thinking about it, you know it was stupid but you were scared. And you know it too, that there are so many things in the world to be frightened of. Given the circumstances, you feel grateful for being a coward, for almost committing suicide, because it made you realize that you’re needed and need someone just as much.
You stop functioning mechanically. You live. You’re alive. You start walking to the stage instead of dragging your feet just to carry on. You stop pretending that you’re happy because you are, and sometimes you’re not, but its okay, we’re all unhappy sometimes. The most important thing is that you’re not alone.
*
There is an almost child-like puzzlement that registers on Kyuhyun’s face when you come up to their practice room one what-seemed-to-be normal evening. You excuse him from practice and they gladly let you, insisting that Kyuhyun is just a burden to their perfectly amazing routine. He laughs it off and so do you.
You don’t know what suddenly came upon your senses that day, but you just wanted to let him know, thank him, tell him that you love him, without anything in return. Or maybe you do want something in return, even though deep inside you know it - Kyuhyun loves you too. Perhaps not in the same way, but he does. You obviously do. When you ate lunch with Yuri and Sunny once, they brought up this topic of fairytales and how serene and beautiful everything is in the story, almost like it’s contained in glass, never to be tainted by how different society has been and will be. They jump to a completely different topic altogether but they made mention of Prince Charming and a certain Cho enters your mind. Not that they’re all that similar.
But you know that if you ever attempt suicide again, he’ll be there to remind you that he loves you. He’ll say it again and again until it never really hurts. And you’ll be okay again. He’ll hold your hand and kiss you and you know, you just know it’s going to be fine.
“Sooyoung, were you going to say something?”
“L-Let’s go out for lunch. You know, have a bit of a talk or something.”
You don’t know what led you to think it’s okay to have a date with Kyuhyun, if that’s considered a date at all, but he gives you a reaffirming pat on the shoulder. “Will you tell me why you kissed me?”
“I’ll think about it.”
Kyuhyun grabs your face and moves closer to you, your lips only a few centimeters away from his. “I really should stop making it difficult for you.”
He leans forward and gives you a chaste kiss. It almost feels like your lips are barely touching. Kyuhyun leans away, smiling. “But I won’t. - He holds your hand and gives it a light squeeze before leaving, - “You know what, I’ll try to be romantic at lunch tomorrow. I’ll try, alright?”
→ Kyuhyun/Sooyoung
→ 1,930 words
→ You fail to see the good in most things. It's such a human thing to do.
You splash water on your face, as if it were to clear your head of the faults you were going to make. Except, it really won’t change anything-“You must be lonely,” You say it again and again, until it never really hurts. The mirror in front of you tells otherwise, because no matter how you see it, mistakes are simply just like scars that never heal.
Not until you learn to forgive yourself. And you were never exactly the person to do that. You throw the razor away but the cold lingering feeling stays intact on your wrist. You’ve become so aware of it, that you jerk away from Jessica when she tries to pull you by the wrist to the van.
She looks at you strangely, and then soon enough everyone else does. It scares you sometimes, because it feels like you’re giving too much away and they’re seeing past the boundaries of the brave girl you used to be.
No. It can’t be. So you distract yourself with-anything, dance practice, voice lessons, acting lessons, blind dates, everything; just that you don’t see that look in their eyes anymore.
“Wow, you’re really killing yourself.”
“W-What?” You turn around to see Kyuhyun by the door, arms crossed comfortably like he’s been watching you for a while.
(Of course he doesn’t know that that remark caused an explosion in every cell in your body because you have been trying to kill yourself, or at least, you did and have failed miserably.)
Obviously noticing that you were startled, he eases his way in your practice room with a smile, coyly adding his real intention. “What I mean to say is-you should go take a rest. You’ve been practicing for hours.”
“I will - uhm… later, I think.”
“How about now? We can go to that restaurant you always talked about, yea?”
“That’s nice but I really gotta learn this quick. Next time?”
Quickly, you learn that ‘next time’ isn’t as soon as the two of you thought. You depart Korea and fly to Japan and try your best to smile, be happy and put the loneliness at the very back of your mind. Suddenly (or not really), in the middle of the plane ride back home, you forget the reason why you were unhappy in the first place; just that you’re unhappy now and you can’t seem to change that anymore.
Kyuhyun sneaks to your practice again. And you earn a few suspicious glances from some of the girls. Kyuhyun catches you off guard again. He smiles at you and mentions how you’re always aware of many stuff but never of him. You laugh, because you shouldn’t be aware of him much. He argues that you should because you’re always aware, he says.
“Am I?”
“Yea, definitely I’ve told myself before that you were probably a witch or something. You always notice stuff and you know… that’s odd, really. Or is it that you’re thinking too much lately that you don’t notice peoples’ ulterior motives anymore?”
“And I suppose, your ulterior motive is to have a date with me, shag the hot chick, then tell your hyungs about it.”
“Woah, slow down. You’re not that hot, Choi. You’re getting over yourself for a second there.”
“Then no date for you, Cho.”
“Fine, fine, fine - wait! Goddamit, Choi Sooyoung, you’re hot. You’re blazing. You’re hotter than the hottest day of this summer. Please go on a date with me.”
So it is then assumed that you (hotter than the hottest day of summer) would go out with him. It could be a good thing, you tell yourself as often as you remember. But you don’t understand that lurching feeling at the pit of your stomach - sometimes you’d like to, but nowadays even simple things scare you so you avoid that completely at first thought.
It scares you an odd number of times when he’s just there, seemingly comfortable in a simple dinner with you, wearing the most content smile you’ve seen in a while. “What’s wrong?” You murmur - and a smile is still on his lips as he shakes his head at you.
Then there it is again, that uncomfortable shift somewhere in your stomach.
A moment of silence passes, before he takes the initiative to finally do something. Kyuhyun stands up, “We should go to the Han River!” blinks and sits back down again. “That was odd, wasn’t it?”
You laugh and waste your time mocking his lame idea. He laughs too. “I’m sorry that was really horrible.”
An awkward second of silence passes. You pick up your cup. You fix your hair. You look at him in the eyes and smile. “I like it actually.”
But neither of you move. You waste your time looking at the way his lips pull into a smile easily and he wastes his time looking at the way you put on a façade. A mask he’s very willing to rip off of your face.
*
“What are you doing here?” You sit next to him on the floor, legs crossed, blocking the door to his practice room. You hear noise, footsteps and a track constantly playing in the background. “Aren’t you going to practice?”
“We’ve got a five minute break. I just wanted to finish this book I’m reading.” Kyuhyun brings his book up and shows you the cover and opens it again to the page he was reading.
You snort, “You and Juhyun are really alike.”
“And then?”
“And then what?” You divert your glance to his direction and he’s actually looking at you. Kyuhyun raises a brow.
“What are you trying to say?”
“You two really match.” You look at the floor and focus your attention to the little details about it (Yea, the floor, because it hurts looking at Kyuhyun nowadays. And you don’t even know why), just to distract yourself from him.
“You just don’t get it, do you?”
You kiss him on the lips. And it’s nothing you expected it to be like. Kissing him doesn’t feel like a mistake. It doesn’t feel wrong and maybe for the longest short painful moment in your life, Kyuhyun has always been the only real thing you’ve got.
You pull away and quickly look down to avoid his gaze. He chuckles dryly. “When you kiss me, at least have the courage to look me in the eye and tell me what it’s for.”
*
“I kissed Kyuhyun.”
Jessica’s expression is unfazed, almost like she had expected it to happen. “And then? How was it like?”
“I-I-It felt normal. Like, you know, a normal kiss. What else is it supposed to feel like?”
She keeps a straight face and nonchalantly gives her reply. “You love Kyuhyun, Sooyoung. There’s supposed to be something different there.”
“I suppose he makes me feel at ease. Something like I know he’s going to stick around even if I throw him away. That he’s just there for me…. or something. I couldn’t say that he makes me happy for sure but I know he makes me feel better about myself…. that- that I’m not nobody, that I’m needed.”
“You didn’t deny that you don’t love him so…”
“So?”
“You’re reduced to society’s lowest, Choi Sooyoung - a lovestruck fool. So how was the kiss? Is he a good kisser?”
“Jung Jessica, shut it.”
“You know, you are needed. It’s pretty offending to hear you say stuff that he’s the only person that makes you feel better. Because what are we now? Soccer players? We’re your friends, and we sure as hell want you to be happy… or whatever, I’m the ice princess anyway so I’m not supposed to give shit about this.”
“….Wow, I’m sorry. That was… that was just really stupid.” Your tone was depleting and naturally, Jessica has always given people shit, even the ones they can’t bare so what she said was definitely a lie. But for once, you appreciate the shit she’s thrown at you.
“It’s okay. I’m not melodramatic. Just don’t say things like that to Tiffany or Yuri. It’ll be a sobsfest in the dorm, I’m telling you.”
“I know that. Thank you for understanding.”
“And?”
“I love you?”
“Yea, I know you do. Wanna play tetris?”
You decline her offer but give Jessica a kiss on the forehead as thanks because you know it has been a while. You’ve been hanging by a cliff for so long only to know that it you’re merely a few inches off safe ground. Thinking about it, you know it was stupid but you were scared. And you know it too, that there are so many things in the world to be frightened of. Given the circumstances, you feel grateful for being a coward, for almost committing suicide, because it made you realize that you’re needed and need someone just as much.
You stop functioning mechanically. You live. You’re alive. You start walking to the stage instead of dragging your feet just to carry on. You stop pretending that you’re happy because you are, and sometimes you’re not, but its okay, we’re all unhappy sometimes. The most important thing is that you’re not alone.
*
There is an almost child-like puzzlement that registers on Kyuhyun’s face when you come up to their practice room one what-seemed-to-be normal evening. You excuse him from practice and they gladly let you, insisting that Kyuhyun is just a burden to their perfectly amazing routine. He laughs it off and so do you.
You don’t know what suddenly came upon your senses that day, but you just wanted to let him know, thank him, tell him that you love him, without anything in return. Or maybe you do want something in return, even though deep inside you know it - Kyuhyun loves you too. Perhaps not in the same way, but he does. You obviously do. When you ate lunch with Yuri and Sunny once, they brought up this topic of fairytales and how serene and beautiful everything is in the story, almost like it’s contained in glass, never to be tainted by how different society has been and will be. They jump to a completely different topic altogether but they made mention of Prince Charming and a certain Cho enters your mind. Not that they’re all that similar.
But you know that if you ever attempt suicide again, he’ll be there to remind you that he loves you. He’ll say it again and again until it never really hurts. And you’ll be okay again. He’ll hold your hand and kiss you and you know, you just know it’s going to be fine.
“Sooyoung, were you going to say something?”
“L-Let’s go out for lunch. You know, have a bit of a talk or something.”
You don’t know what led you to think it’s okay to have a date with Kyuhyun, if that’s considered a date at all, but he gives you a reaffirming pat on the shoulder. “Will you tell me why you kissed me?”
“I’ll think about it.”
Kyuhyun grabs your face and moves closer to you, your lips only a few centimeters away from his. “I really should stop making it difficult for you.”
He leans forward and gives you a chaste kiss. It almost feels like your lips are barely touching. Kyuhyun leans away, smiling. “But I won’t. - He holds your hand and gives it a light squeeze before leaving, - “You know what, I’ll try to be romantic at lunch tomorrow. I’ll try, alright?”