(no subject)
i'm so disoriented right now. i don't know what the hell just happened.
i got into a car accident tonight, my first one ever. happened on hwy 111 and country club. i was stopped at the red light, right hand lane, divya and richard were in the lane next to me, eric in the left most lane. we were all up front, right at the intersection. the light turned green. green means go. i went. and then it happened. they were turning onto country club as i was going straight. i clipped their back end. caitlin was in the car with me; she was sleeping. the airbags deployed. everything was smoky. i was in shock. i still am. no one was hurt, thank god, but i didn't have my license or proof of insurance on me, just my luck. they were being really nice, but i knew it was cause they knew it was their fucking fault. i couldn't stop shaking. i called my dad. the police came. asked for license, registration, insurance. i only had registration. my dad came. i was desperately trying to call my mother for the insurance info, but i couldn't reach her. we told the cop our stories. the fucker said he thought i was slowing down and he started talking shit about my headlights, how they were flickering or something. bullshit. how could i be slowing down? i was stopped at an intersecion, and when i saw that green, i accelerated and nothing else. i didn't even see him. i couldn't reach my mom, i was getting pissed. i finally got a hold of her, i asked her for the insurance, she didn't have it. she talked to the cop, he didn't give a shit. started talking about how he couldn't determine who was at fault because the stories were conflicting and there were no witnesses. fuck that shit. eric, divya, and richard were all there, they all saw what happened. divya and richard had left because divya had to go to home, but eric was still there. i was pissed because the cop was talking about how he couldn't take eric's story cause he was my friend and he would be biased. i got back on the phone with my mom, and she started yelling at me for not having my proof of insurance. that was the last thing i needed at that moment. she didn't even ask if i was ok, she was just yelling at me for something that i already knew, that i fucked up. i hung up on her. i started crying. she's my mother and i didn't need that shit from her. my dad was supportive. he was calm, not angry at all, just glad we were ok. the cop gave me a ticket for not having my proof of insurance. got my car towed back home, caitlin rode home with eric. i still couldn't stop crying. i went to bed. come 1:30 the doorbell is ringing nonstop. it's my mother. my dad comes in my room to tell me to ask her to just go away, we'll talk about it later. i went outside. my mom was pissed. she started yelling at me, basically telling me how irresponsible i was. i tried to just stand there and take it, i really tried, but i couldn't. i couldn't take it. i'm emotional, she knows this. here she is upset because i hung up on her, but she should know how emotional i get. how emotional i was, and still am. i had to tell her. all i wanted was for her to just be there for me, and she wasn't. i wanted to sleep, i told her i wanted to. she wouldn't let me. she started grabbing me. i was crying hysterically. i wanted to be in my bed and she wouldn't let me. i tried to get away, she kept holding on. i grabbed her back. i started yelling at her. i told her that i was stronger than her, to let me go. i pinned her arms down. i couldn't stop crying. i became even more hysterical. she wouldn't let me go. i went on the grass and i lied down, tried to to get away. she still held my arms down. i told her how much of a fuck up i am, how much i knew it, how much i didn't need to hear it from her. she said she expected me to give her respect, to not hang up on her. i tried to explain, but she wouldn't listen. they never listen. i told her that i wasn't ready to be an adult, that i know everything in school, but when it comes to real life, i don't know shit. it's true. my dad came back outside, took me away from my mother and took me to my room. he tried to calm me down, but he couldn't.
all i kept thinking about was that i don't wanna grow up. i wanted to die, i really did. i'm calmer now, but i wished so bad that i had a gun. i don't wanna be responsible cause the world is fucked up, people are so fucked up. i wished i got hurt in that accident, i wish i could've died. i just...i hate myself right now. i hate myself more than anything.
i got into a car accident tonight, my first one ever. happened on hwy 111 and country club. i was stopped at the red light, right hand lane, divya and richard were in the lane next to me, eric in the left most lane. we were all up front, right at the intersection. the light turned green. green means go. i went. and then it happened. they were turning onto country club as i was going straight. i clipped their back end. caitlin was in the car with me; she was sleeping. the airbags deployed. everything was smoky. i was in shock. i still am. no one was hurt, thank god, but i didn't have my license or proof of insurance on me, just my luck. they were being really nice, but i knew it was cause they knew it was their fucking fault. i couldn't stop shaking. i called my dad. the police came. asked for license, registration, insurance. i only had registration. my dad came. i was desperately trying to call my mother for the insurance info, but i couldn't reach her. we told the cop our stories. the fucker said he thought i was slowing down and he started talking shit about my headlights, how they were flickering or something. bullshit. how could i be slowing down? i was stopped at an intersecion, and when i saw that green, i accelerated and nothing else. i didn't even see him. i couldn't reach my mom, i was getting pissed. i finally got a hold of her, i asked her for the insurance, she didn't have it. she talked to the cop, he didn't give a shit. started talking about how he couldn't determine who was at fault because the stories were conflicting and there were no witnesses. fuck that shit. eric, divya, and richard were all there, they all saw what happened. divya and richard had left because divya had to go to home, but eric was still there. i was pissed because the cop was talking about how he couldn't take eric's story cause he was my friend and he would be biased. i got back on the phone with my mom, and she started yelling at me for not having my proof of insurance. that was the last thing i needed at that moment. she didn't even ask if i was ok, she was just yelling at me for something that i already knew, that i fucked up. i hung up on her. i started crying. she's my mother and i didn't need that shit from her. my dad was supportive. he was calm, not angry at all, just glad we were ok. the cop gave me a ticket for not having my proof of insurance. got my car towed back home, caitlin rode home with eric. i still couldn't stop crying. i went to bed. come 1:30 the doorbell is ringing nonstop. it's my mother. my dad comes in my room to tell me to ask her to just go away, we'll talk about it later. i went outside. my mom was pissed. she started yelling at me, basically telling me how irresponsible i was. i tried to just stand there and take it, i really tried, but i couldn't. i couldn't take it. i'm emotional, she knows this. here she is upset because i hung up on her, but she should know how emotional i get. how emotional i was, and still am. i had to tell her. all i wanted was for her to just be there for me, and she wasn't. i wanted to sleep, i told her i wanted to. she wouldn't let me. she started grabbing me. i was crying hysterically. i wanted to be in my bed and she wouldn't let me. i tried to get away, she kept holding on. i grabbed her back. i started yelling at her. i told her that i was stronger than her, to let me go. i pinned her arms down. i couldn't stop crying. i became even more hysterical. she wouldn't let me go. i went on the grass and i lied down, tried to to get away. she still held my arms down. i told her how much of a fuck up i am, how much i knew it, how much i didn't need to hear it from her. she said she expected me to give her respect, to not hang up on her. i tried to explain, but she wouldn't listen. they never listen. i told her that i wasn't ready to be an adult, that i know everything in school, but when it comes to real life, i don't know shit. it's true. my dad came back outside, took me away from my mother and took me to my room. he tried to calm me down, but he couldn't.
all i kept thinking about was that i don't wanna grow up. i wanted to die, i really did. i'm calmer now, but i wished so bad that i had a gun. i don't wanna be responsible cause the world is fucked up, people are so fucked up. i wished i got hurt in that accident, i wish i could've died. i just...i hate myself right now. i hate myself more than anything.