I am dying, crying, lying in excrement

[thisfalseart]

I've never been on such a rollercoaster weekend before. Saturday I went to Love Fest, and yes, while it was probably the worst decision I could have made academically, I had more fun than I could have ever anticipated. It was just so...wonderful and San Franciscan and hippy-ish and exciting and such a shit show for me in terms of how drunk I was and the money I lost and the hat I lost (booo :'( ). Then Saturday night I came back, exhausted as fuck and proceeded to drink and subsequently make a horrible decision in relation to a freshman. You see, I found out that a frosh thinks that I'm cute and well, quite frankly, that is dangerous information in my little hands. After several minutes of internal strife over what to do with this information, I decided to go over to where she lived. It may or may not have been the alcohol, but we talked and also kissed. Quite intensely at times. But it wasn't until this kiss happened that I realized that she was quite inexperienced (not to say that it was bad - it most certainly was not), based on the quivering/ overall nervous feeling and energy she exuded.

Sunday was just...trying for me. Third week of school and I'm already crying? I guess if I didn't realize it before then I know now: my love life is the most difficult thing I've ever had to experience/ ever will experience in life. I just...am frustrated at the fact that I am ready, she is not ready x 2, she doesn't want to be ready, she might be ready and those are bad choices, that's a heart-wrenching fact, that's such an emotional situation. How on earth do these things ever work out and last is beyond me, out of reach. *Sigh*

The what if's in my mind are floating around and I'm quite sure it's unhealthy but what if it's not.