Iwishorangewasntsuchadamnnicecolor
It's more than just being drained. It's sitting here barely able to breath because I'm fighting back the tears that hard. Two nights in a row. I could read this time and time again, and I think this tightening in my chest would happen every time. It's not just being unable to breath, it's a pain in my heart like something that makes it work has been torn out. Like the blood stopped pumping through me. Like my body has given up as much as my brain keeps trying to. And I'm sitting here, and I'm trying to explain to you while its happening so maybe you understand, but do you know what is flooding my brain? Alix Olson quotes. Line after line after once screamed line runs into my conscience and is now screaming, screaming more than the words, screaming YOU FUCKING IDIOT DON'T FUCKING LET GO NOW. But what else is there to do but let go? The more we try to hold on, the more it slips from our grasp. I play songs of "I'm better off now" on repeat, and tell myself I hate you. It makes it all so much easier. But it's not working. I know it's a joke. This hurts more than anything I can ever remember feeling. I've never lost anyone. Ever. Not like this. Not someone who meant more to me than ANYTHING. I'd have given up everything for you. I gave up a lot. And I know you did too. I don't regret one bit of it. And I hope you dont either. I do regret whatever did this. If there's anything that I wish I could change in my life, it's this. I want to move on so badly. To make the tightening end. But I know moving on makes what we had so much less.