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You sour brat! Have not I let you in when the drought burned the Vally? Did you not feed off of me? Did you not drink of me? Did not you sink deep and did your fingers not tap out love's song down the notches of my spine
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Imagine the disgust you feel when something really agitating happens, like nails down a chalk board for maybe a full 5 minutes. Now imagine that disgust taking place several times a day by force yet you pay cash for it.
Now imagine the disgust that comes with like...sexual assault or something like that. Like imagine your brother raping a young girl in your family that you know (ages 3-8) and really imagine it anf eel the disgust in your gut. If you've ever been sexually molested, that feeling, imagine that going on for a full 45 minutes on strong. That disgusted disgusting horrible gut awful nasty feeling straight for 45 minutes. That happening maybe several times a week. And you do it because you have to. That's a feeling that comes as a responce to heroin. I am not embellishing one single bit, I am speaking a very honest real and literal truth. You also have the dread of this feeling before you force yourself into a situation to do this only to get silly cash to pay for that awful nails ona chalk board feeling.
I got that feeling last night trying to go to sleep rushing over me again and again mixed in with other awful feelings. Uhm...I don't know why, but memories came to me.
Anyway, this, for the rest of your life, would very easily be much less tolerable than a fist up your pussy...cause that fist up your pussy may just be a casual pain that's a casuality of being a lonely used up junkie.
I want this to be clear and heard.
Cause it's got a lot to do with what I mean when I'm jealous.
Another feeling that rushed over me that was a constant feeling in my life, I don't mean daily, I mean CONSTANT.
Imagine EVERYONE YOU EVER KNEW, especially those you love and trust, you know, just because they're the key players in life, imagine ALL these people (and not ONE to turn to) all deciding they didn't think you were worth the time to hate but they teased and mocked you and joined up in a circle just to laugh at you because they just thought you were that much of a loser. Imagine that kind of shame and TOTAL FEAR and loneliness that you feel in your gut and makes your heart race. Imagine that as a CONSTANT in your life. Again, not making a big scene, not making this a bigger deal than it is, just being real honest and true about certain pains, I AM NOT ELABORATING.
that feeling of total fear, shame, paranoia and loneliness pacing through you as you just keep trudging through life. That's another result of something heroin can do to you.
These feelings are petrifying really really petrifying, I had to feel them in my gut last night for whatever reason, some divine intervention I suppose to remind me why I can't do something.
uhm....this is just a pieces of a big story, but some of the reasons I want to live clean.
And my point again is that.......getting a fist up your pussy really isn't as bad as being a "junkie". I don't liek the idea of being desensitized to the word junkie but obviously the world has been.
Just to let you know, cause it was on my mind sense last night and sense you said that I really wanted to speak up.
Heroin really fucking sneaked up on me. It's not fair to underestimate it so often.
and I am endlessly jealous of you still.
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