lj cut
sometimes i think i gave it all back too fast. monday and tuesday he was all, "i don't deserve to kiss those lips" and so on and so forth.
i needed to know that he still wanted me, still finds me attractive. so i tuesday we had sex. i cried during ((oddly enough, that's not the first time i've cried during sex... it's the fifth. what does that say about me?)) and afterwards. we've been at it like rabbits ever since. i mean, there have been some different things... for example, wednesday morning, he wanted me on top. as a general rule i don't really like being on top because i've never really understood the physics of it but i do it because he enjoys it. me being on top generally means i get on top and he still does all the work. that's how it started out this time. then i got bored of it and put one leg down so i could get off the couch and we could take our activities elsewhere. at that moment i had a revelation and i started doing all the work. to say the least he enjoyed it... normally he's quiet as a mouse unless i ask him to stop holding back, this time he got loud without even realizing he was doing it. i owned him. which, though i wasn't getting much actual sexual pleasure form what i was doing, was the hottest thing ever. it made me feel good about myself. it was exactly what i needed at that time- to feel like i'd reminded him of why there is absolutely no reason for him to go fucking other people. last night i got him to give me a romantic candle lit back massage, complete with nicely scented massage oil ((he's had it in his closet for, like, four years and never used it)). it was sensual, erotic, and absolutely amazing. first time he's ever done that for me ((and you can bet it won't be the last)).
since we started having sex again ((less than 24 hours after i found out about his affair)) he hasn't seemed as sorry. monday and tuesday he was absolutely torn up about what he had done- he was just as upset as i was. now all he says is "i hope that one day you'll be happy again".
god damn it, just because i'm letting him fuck me and kiss me and hold me doesn't mean i've forgiven him. and it's not like i haven't told him that in very plain and simple terms. i'm still miserable. i want him to still be miserable too. is that childish?