(no subject)

[this_town_bites]

nothing keeps me occupied.

don't want to sit at the computer because i'll want to read over the conversations he had with her. the tv can't hold my attention. if i leave the apartment i know i'll start crying in public which is just embarrassing ((i did that last night at the walmart gas station... the attendant was very nice to me...)). i can't eat and i don't want to cook. there's nothing to read. i can't curl up in bed and sleep the afternoon away ((even though i only got 3 hours of sleep)) because that's where they were together and it physically hurts to be there.

maybe i'll go take another shower. that's my defense mechanism.
i've had two since this started last night.

i'm so antsy.

i want him here so we can fix this.
i don't want him here because i never want to see him again.

one second i just want to curl up with him and kiss him and let him hold me.
the next second i want to scream at him and break things.

i don't know what to do. i don't know what to think. i don't know how to be.

this would be so much easier if i weren't so utterly alone down here.

i need hollins women.
i need to curl up on one of the couches in tinker coffee house with ben and jerrys and goodfellaz and a stack of girl-power movies and a lot of blankets and people who will always love me and never betray me and bash men with me and take me to an apartment party and get me drunk and hold me while i cry and tell me how much they love me.

i should be used to getting hurt by the people i love at this point in my life. i should expect it.

i guess i'll never learn.

please just make this better. please.