CONfirm ing
I decided that I'm going to keep writing even if you guys don't. For the last year I've kept this as a place to figure things out and write down things that I'd normally be too scared to say. And everything is changing now so why don't I just keep this? I'm not going to write like I used to, because that was rather indulgent. Rather, I'd just like a place to keep my thoughts and I figure this is the best place for it.
Today was a confirmation of the change. Teal left this morning and I drove home last night, after driving down to the water in the quiet mist of this miserable weather, and Soco Ameretto Lime came on and again, I came close to tears (emo emo emo lame). I don't think I'll ever feel ready. This was my childhood and I'm not ready to shut the door and start again.
There are so many things that confirm the change. I got my hair cut today and she cut off too much. It's shorter again and I hate it. I feel like she cut off part of the growth I achieved this past year. My hair was messy but I liked it, felt comfortable, and here I am again, uncomfortable in my own skin.
And as external and shallow as this is, I've been buying clothes that seem so adult; clothes that somehow represent to me that I make decisions now on my own. I don't know how or why, it just seems that way. What I really want to do is bury myself in chinese slippers and flannel and never come out again. I'm finally comfortable, why do I have to leave?
College is this giant thing now in my brain. To me it's a confirmation of my stunted growth caused by hanging out with too many intelligent people who get me, reading too many books (so I dissassociate reality sometimes), a mother who is too kind and loving, and a girl who doesn't know anything about the opposite sex. Now College to me is: making new friends, dealing with people I won't like, being misunderstood again and again, paperwork and 'grown up stuff' (BLAH, my least favorite), sex, boredon=m, alcohol, and being an adult all of the sudden. And in my mind all of this means being very alone with a safety net that's really not there because if I cop out now I'll never be able to breath comfortably again.
These were all the things I could avoid in high school, yes, including alcohol and sex. And now I have to deal.
I just want to hide.
Today was a confirmation of the change. Teal left this morning and I drove home last night, after driving down to the water in the quiet mist of this miserable weather, and Soco Ameretto Lime came on and again, I came close to tears (emo emo emo lame). I don't think I'll ever feel ready. This was my childhood and I'm not ready to shut the door and start again.
There are so many things that confirm the change. I got my hair cut today and she cut off too much. It's shorter again and I hate it. I feel like she cut off part of the growth I achieved this past year. My hair was messy but I liked it, felt comfortable, and here I am again, uncomfortable in my own skin.
And as external and shallow as this is, I've been buying clothes that seem so adult; clothes that somehow represent to me that I make decisions now on my own. I don't know how or why, it just seems that way. What I really want to do is bury myself in chinese slippers and flannel and never come out again. I'm finally comfortable, why do I have to leave?
College is this giant thing now in my brain. To me it's a confirmation of my stunted growth caused by hanging out with too many intelligent people who get me, reading too many books (so I dissassociate reality sometimes), a mother who is too kind and loving, and a girl who doesn't know anything about the opposite sex. Now College to me is: making new friends, dealing with people I won't like, being misunderstood again and again, paperwork and 'grown up stuff' (BLAH, my least favorite), sex, boredon=m, alcohol, and being an adult all of the sudden. And in my mind all of this means being very alone with a safety net that's really not there because if I cop out now I'll never be able to breath comfortably again.
These were all the things I could avoid in high school, yes, including alcohol and sex. And now I have to deal.
I just want to hide.