Ugh
I'm getting pathetic, though I think I hide it well.
I mean, for as much as anyone else is concerned, I could care less if this building collapsed on my head or everyone I knew spontaneously combusted (I'm sure some people are convinced I'd rather enjoy that). And, really, it's true. That's big stuff. The small things - there's the trouble.
I know I get twitchy. I know I need to hear a human voice once in awhile because talking to myself is a lot more terrifying than being completely and utterly alone.
But validation is a funny thing. I mean, I rightly say that I don't need a compliment to justify my opinion of myself or a word of support to establish my beliefs. Still, today someone spoke to me (idly, I was the only person in the room and she had something to say) and, shortly thereafter, said to another person "Yeah, I was telling Stacy earlier..."
Now, for most people, that's not a big deal, and it really shouldn't be for me, either. Still, it caught my full attention and had my nerves twitching and singing because somebody (and I don't rightly remember who it was anymore) acknowledged my presence. This whole situation is definitely a product of my continually dwindling social ability, but that doesn't make it any less embarrassing or devastating.
It's just sad, in so many ways. I mean, I made it clear from the moment that I got to this country that I didn't want to talk to anyone, and they've obliged me fairly well, considering we see each other every day. That doesn't change the fact, however, that I apparently really, really want them to give a damn.
I mean, for as much as anyone else is concerned, I could care less if this building collapsed on my head or everyone I knew spontaneously combusted (I'm sure some people are convinced I'd rather enjoy that). And, really, it's true. That's big stuff. The small things - there's the trouble.
I know I get twitchy. I know I need to hear a human voice once in awhile because talking to myself is a lot more terrifying than being completely and utterly alone.
But validation is a funny thing. I mean, I rightly say that I don't need a compliment to justify my opinion of myself or a word of support to establish my beliefs. Still, today someone spoke to me (idly, I was the only person in the room and she had something to say) and, shortly thereafter, said to another person "Yeah, I was telling Stacy earlier..."
Now, for most people, that's not a big deal, and it really shouldn't be for me, either. Still, it caught my full attention and had my nerves twitching and singing because somebody (and I don't rightly remember who it was anymore) acknowledged my presence. This whole situation is definitely a product of my continually dwindling social ability, but that doesn't make it any less embarrassing or devastating.
It's just sad, in so many ways. I mean, I made it clear from the moment that I got to this country that I didn't want to talk to anyone, and they've obliged me fairly well, considering we see each other every day. That doesn't change the fact, however, that I apparently really, really want them to give a damn.