(no subject)
Summer Vacation, Day 34
Dear Diary,
I had attempted to update this thing earlier, but in a moment of I don't even know what, I managed to dislodge the plug for the surge protector from the wall. How this happened, I'm not sure. But since I was at my dad's warehouse, where I use an eMac instead of my cute little iBook, the lack of plug turned the computer off completely. Worst of all, I remember having some very interesting things to write about at the time. Interesting being a relative term in this case, of course. ;-)
Tonight I talked this guy from AU into agreeing that he and I should drive up the coast to Spokane to visit Abram sometime towards the end of July. Pending Abe's agreement, of course. Anyway, Chris and I agreed that he'd do all the driving, seeing as how even at the ripe old age of 18 (and only a little bit more than a month is left until I turn 19!) I still can't drive. Le sigh.
Ah yes, speaking of "Le sigh" I must divert your attention to this momentarily:
Your Inner European is French!
Smart and sophisticated.
You have the best of everything - at least, *you* think so.
Who's Your Inner European?
Appropriate, right? Ribbet.
Anyway, Chris and I will split the gas, which should mean about $150 round trip for each of us. Considering the price of plane tickets these days, this really wouldn't be so bad. Plus I'd get what will probably be a much needed vacation, and a chance to visit with some AU people. We'd stop in Portland to visit Jason Trombley (who is one of the most motivated and organized people I have ever met, to the point that he is close to going insane by the end of every semester), then finish the drive the next day.
All right, so here's something about a song. The song in question is "Fall to Pieces," by Avril Lavigne. Though I bought her most recent CD after I'd heard "My Happy Ending" (another song I have a strong connection to, but I really don't feel like touching it right now*), "Fall to Pieces" is perhaps my favorite song. Or definitely tied for second. Anyway, the main reason that songs become important to me is because they remind me of things or people or events or whatever. This song is my Tom song. I've been trying to keep myself from listening to it on purpose, but right now I'm listening to some playlist I made ages ago and there it is.
I miss him a lot. And then I feel guilty about missing him because I am supposed to be completely enamoured with my current boyfriend. Which I am, don't get me wrong. I just wish it could be a cleaner cut, that since Tom and I are no longer together, his very existence could please, please, please stop plaguing me with memories and feelings that I just do not want to deal with right now. Especially not after Friday. God.
Last fall I finally shut down my long-time feelings for one boy. Tom was partially responsible for me being able to do that, and I am eternally grateful. That is, except fot he fact that Tom seems to have replaced that other boy. Because of this, I feel like I'm in exactly the same position now as I was this time last summer. The main difference is that this time, I don't have my actual boyfriend right here with me to keep me distracted from...everything, really.
Dan was admonishing himself over the phone earlier, talking about how he needs to get his "act together" and come out here to California for a visit. It'd be amazing, and I really hope that it happens. What with that, the Tahoe trip, and the Washington trip, this summer might just fly by afterall. Oh, and my birthday. Can't forget that all-important event. *rolls eyes* I don't think I've cared much about birthdays since I was 12 or 13. Ever since then they've become increasingly silly, plus I get embarassed by people paying so much attention to just me. I've come to appreciate a phone call and/or card just as much as a present (though money is always a good thing *grin*), and I don't like doing anything extreme. Last year Caitlin took me out to dinner and then we drove around for a while. Then she took me back to Tom's house.
Shit. I keep coming back to all of that and it's driving my absolutely INSANE. I'm a hopelessly nostalgic person, always remembering things, and that's really not working for me this summer. I just keep remembering things about how things were last year, and how they were to become. I need a way to get it all out of my system. Normally I write, but it's just not working for me this time around. Eventually I have a feeling that Tom and I are going to have to seriously talk about everything, but how do I even begin a conversation like that? And how do I do that without coming off sounding like I care about him more than Dan? And how do I deal with myself and the truth that I still really do care about him, in a way, and that I still harbor the ridiculous belief that he and I were supposed to be together for a long time (maybe not now, but in the future)?
WHY DO I ALWAYS END UP FEELING LIKE THIS ABOUT SOMEONE?!?!?
Shit, I just looked at my clock to see that it's now about 12:20am. I have to wake up in 8 hours, so the angst ends now. Next time I will write about happy things. Many such things do exist in my life, you know, even though I don't spend nearly as much time writing about them.
Love, Anna
*The funny thing is that "My Happy Ending" was two songs after "Fall to Pieces." Somebody put me out of my misery. Please. It's just not funny anymore.
Dear Diary,
I had attempted to update this thing earlier, but in a moment of I don't even know what, I managed to dislodge the plug for the surge protector from the wall. How this happened, I'm not sure. But since I was at my dad's warehouse, where I use an eMac instead of my cute little iBook, the lack of plug turned the computer off completely. Worst of all, I remember having some very interesting things to write about at the time. Interesting being a relative term in this case, of course. ;-)
Tonight I talked this guy from AU into agreeing that he and I should drive up the coast to Spokane to visit Abram sometime towards the end of July. Pending Abe's agreement, of course. Anyway, Chris and I agreed that he'd do all the driving, seeing as how even at the ripe old age of 18 (and only a little bit more than a month is left until I turn 19!) I still can't drive. Le sigh.
Ah yes, speaking of "Le sigh" I must divert your attention to this momentarily:
Your Inner European is French!
Smart and sophisticated.
You have the best of everything - at least, *you* think so.
Who's Your Inner European?
Appropriate, right? Ribbet.
Anyway, Chris and I will split the gas, which should mean about $150 round trip for each of us. Considering the price of plane tickets these days, this really wouldn't be so bad. Plus I'd get what will probably be a much needed vacation, and a chance to visit with some AU people. We'd stop in Portland to visit Jason Trombley (who is one of the most motivated and organized people I have ever met, to the point that he is close to going insane by the end of every semester), then finish the drive the next day.
All right, so here's something about a song. The song in question is "Fall to Pieces," by Avril Lavigne. Though I bought her most recent CD after I'd heard "My Happy Ending" (another song I have a strong connection to, but I really don't feel like touching it right now*), "Fall to Pieces" is perhaps my favorite song. Or definitely tied for second. Anyway, the main reason that songs become important to me is because they remind me of things or people or events or whatever. This song is my Tom song. I've been trying to keep myself from listening to it on purpose, but right now I'm listening to some playlist I made ages ago and there it is.
I miss him a lot. And then I feel guilty about missing him because I am supposed to be completely enamoured with my current boyfriend. Which I am, don't get me wrong. I just wish it could be a cleaner cut, that since Tom and I are no longer together, his very existence could please, please, please stop plaguing me with memories and feelings that I just do not want to deal with right now. Especially not after Friday. God.
Last fall I finally shut down my long-time feelings for one boy. Tom was partially responsible for me being able to do that, and I am eternally grateful. That is, except fot he fact that Tom seems to have replaced that other boy. Because of this, I feel like I'm in exactly the same position now as I was this time last summer. The main difference is that this time, I don't have my actual boyfriend right here with me to keep me distracted from...everything, really.
Dan was admonishing himself over the phone earlier, talking about how he needs to get his "act together" and come out here to California for a visit. It'd be amazing, and I really hope that it happens. What with that, the Tahoe trip, and the Washington trip, this summer might just fly by afterall. Oh, and my birthday. Can't forget that all-important event. *rolls eyes* I don't think I've cared much about birthdays since I was 12 or 13. Ever since then they've become increasingly silly, plus I get embarassed by people paying so much attention to just me. I've come to appreciate a phone call and/or card just as much as a present (though money is always a good thing *grin*), and I don't like doing anything extreme. Last year Caitlin took me out to dinner and then we drove around for a while. Then she took me back to Tom's house.
Shit. I keep coming back to all of that and it's driving my absolutely INSANE. I'm a hopelessly nostalgic person, always remembering things, and that's really not working for me this summer. I just keep remembering things about how things were last year, and how they were to become. I need a way to get it all out of my system. Normally I write, but it's just not working for me this time around. Eventually I have a feeling that Tom and I are going to have to seriously talk about everything, but how do I even begin a conversation like that? And how do I do that without coming off sounding like I care about him more than Dan? And how do I deal with myself and the truth that I still really do care about him, in a way, and that I still harbor the ridiculous belief that he and I were supposed to be together for a long time (maybe not now, but in the future)?
WHY DO I ALWAYS END UP FEELING LIKE THIS ABOUT SOMEONE?!?!?
Shit, I just looked at my clock to see that it's now about 12:20am. I have to wake up in 8 hours, so the angst ends now. Next time I will write about happy things. Many such things do exist in my life, you know, even though I don't spend nearly as much time writing about them.
Love, Anna
*The funny thing is that "My Happy Ending" was two songs after "Fall to Pieces." Somebody put me out of my misery. Please. It's just not funny anymore.