(no subject)
I've been feeling really down lately, finding it hard to get up before 2 or 3 in the afternoon, feeling the same fear I've been feeling for months. Fear of the future, or actually, fear of the prospect of no future. Everything felt more alive at some point, and sometimes I wish I could just rewind back to the way I was last summer, but I feel like I hardly even know that person anymore.
I went to jail recently because a cop walked up on me writing graffiti, but he just got me with loitering on the railroad tracks. Those 28 hours in jail were so scary, I kept thinking that maybe just possibly I was never going to get out. Maybe I had done something during the days of my drinking that would land me in there forever. The same discouraging thoughts ran through my head over and over, and the whole experience became a living hell. I almost cried when I was told I was being released. When I was told that I could leave the courtroom, I did just that, I walked right out - upon realizing that no police had exited the courtroom with me, I did a dance and sprinted up the stairs and out of the courthouse. I was free. I ran over to the police station and picked up my nose ring, my keys, and "assorted gold pendants" and the 2 bucks that had been in my pocket, then immediately walked to a corner store to pick up an Arizona Mucho Mango and Grandma's Cookies - Exactly 2 bucks. I didn't have my breeze card, so I snuck into Five Points station and laid on the floor of the train when I got on. It was the most beautiful thing to be free again after all the sorrow and depression of being in jail.
Anyway. I never want to go there again. I need something new to happen in my life. I am too upset these days.
I went to jail recently because a cop walked up on me writing graffiti, but he just got me with loitering on the railroad tracks. Those 28 hours in jail were so scary, I kept thinking that maybe just possibly I was never going to get out. Maybe I had done something during the days of my drinking that would land me in there forever. The same discouraging thoughts ran through my head over and over, and the whole experience became a living hell. I almost cried when I was told I was being released. When I was told that I could leave the courtroom, I did just that, I walked right out - upon realizing that no police had exited the courtroom with me, I did a dance and sprinted up the stairs and out of the courthouse. I was free. I ran over to the police station and picked up my nose ring, my keys, and "assorted gold pendants" and the 2 bucks that had been in my pocket, then immediately walked to a corner store to pick up an Arizona Mucho Mango and Grandma's Cookies - Exactly 2 bucks. I didn't have my breeze card, so I snuck into Five Points station and laid on the floor of the train when I got on. It was the most beautiful thing to be free again after all the sorrow and depression of being in jail.
Anyway. I never want to go there again. I need something new to happen in my life. I am too upset these days.