she moves in her own way.
To be honest, I'm not really sure what I feel toward some of it these days. I've cried, it hurt so much. And somehow now I seem to have picked myself up. I do not feel it anymore. I don't know what changed. Maybe I don't know how to try anymore. Maybe I think there is no hope of it going back to the way it was. Maybe, for once, I have let go. Maybe, for once, I have realised that this is a pretty clean break. Things won't go back this time around. I'm not sure. I'm almost anticipating a complete disintegration of this composure I seem to have. Suddenly, maybe, I'll just crash down, weak and meek and dependant. Maybe not.
Finally perhaps, this is me standing on my own two feet.
No, too easy, too simple. Maybe it's just someone else is there to fall back on right now.
But you know, in a way I have faith in myself because of this. I can handle this. I am handling this.
I don't really know what happened there. I have theories and I hear rumours. I hear the opinions and observations of others. All I get is some charade. I can't seem to get through that, I can't seem to get to you anymore. When did that happen? Well, I can pin point the beginning. I still don't regret it somehow. In retrospect, maybe I should. I regret the outcome, i resent the backlash. But I don't regret my actions. And you know what, maybe you'll never forgive me for thinking I'm not wrong. I really hope that isn't the case, the situation was not about right and wrong. It was about emotions, it was about feelings, it was about possessiveness and protectiveness and egos.
Who are you?
Really, I do care. But I'm letting this go for a while. I'm just going to let this slip away from me, I'm not going to persue and I'm not going to break down again. I have new chapters opening in all sorts of directions. It seems your new chapters are writing you as a character I might not want to follow. Sure it's distressing, but I don't want to try anymore, I don't think I'm helping. I'm just going to sit back, let the cards fall where they may.
It's like a lifetime since those days.
Things always change. People always shift.
I hope it isn't as bad as it feels though, really. I really hope we pull through this like we have with everything else. Because really, what is there between you and me that is preventing any kind of a resemblance of an us?
*****
I'ts cold. Today you walked in and brought with you a cloud of gloom. I wasn't expecting it. But I realised how absolutely dead my emotions are toward you. My soul is a corpse to you now. You can touch my skin and I do not feel a thing. You can speak in my ear, and I cannot hear a sound. You are in another dimension, I cannot compute your existence. I have nothing left to feel for you.
It was a feeling of almost soaring freedom. It would have been soaring if I didn't feel so flat myself. Maybe it was just a sort of sigh of relief instead. A little smile at the recognition of severed ties. The proof of the end of emotional turmoil. I do honestly wish it was the same for you.
But don't think everything comes easy to me. I know how you feel to a certain extent. I have actually been there, in a way. Though you wouldn't want to believe it. I drove away down that rainy street one early morning, with tears blurring the last views I got of the city, looking out the back window, knowing that I would never be back there. I will never be back there. I lay in an empty bed, reaching out for someone that wasn't there. I lay there with my whole body aching and burning like it never had before and never has since.
I lay there with silent tears, unable to breathe with longing. I have been unable to stand, overcome with despair, trying desperately and in vain to gain composure and control, after months without closure. I have, to a certain extent, been there.
*****
It's funny, I started out telling you not to scare me. Now I don't want to scare you.
I'm definitely scaring myself, and it feels pretty fantastic.
You aren't like anyone else I know, that's for sure. And by the way, you have something of mine, but that's ok, you can keep it for now... Just don't say you have all of it because no one does.
*****
Did this post sound down? Did this sound negative? I didn't intend it to. I'm feeling really good right now. I'm living my life well, I am seizing opportunities, and good things are coming my way. I am being brave and I am learning always. I am meeting amazing people, I am living the dream I just need to remember not to apologise for who I am quite so much. I don't want to slip back into that habit. At the same time, I want to better learn from the real mistakes I make.
Good night.
Finally perhaps, this is me standing on my own two feet.
No, too easy, too simple. Maybe it's just someone else is there to fall back on right now.
But you know, in a way I have faith in myself because of this. I can handle this. I am handling this.
I don't really know what happened there. I have theories and I hear rumours. I hear the opinions and observations of others. All I get is some charade. I can't seem to get through that, I can't seem to get to you anymore. When did that happen? Well, I can pin point the beginning. I still don't regret it somehow. In retrospect, maybe I should. I regret the outcome, i resent the backlash. But I don't regret my actions. And you know what, maybe you'll never forgive me for thinking I'm not wrong. I really hope that isn't the case, the situation was not about right and wrong. It was about emotions, it was about feelings, it was about possessiveness and protectiveness and egos.
Who are you?
Really, I do care. But I'm letting this go for a while. I'm just going to let this slip away from me, I'm not going to persue and I'm not going to break down again. I have new chapters opening in all sorts of directions. It seems your new chapters are writing you as a character I might not want to follow. Sure it's distressing, but I don't want to try anymore, I don't think I'm helping. I'm just going to sit back, let the cards fall where they may.
It's like a lifetime since those days.
Things always change. People always shift.
I hope it isn't as bad as it feels though, really. I really hope we pull through this like we have with everything else. Because really, what is there between you and me that is preventing any kind of a resemblance of an us?
*****
I'ts cold. Today you walked in and brought with you a cloud of gloom. I wasn't expecting it. But I realised how absolutely dead my emotions are toward you. My soul is a corpse to you now. You can touch my skin and I do not feel a thing. You can speak in my ear, and I cannot hear a sound. You are in another dimension, I cannot compute your existence. I have nothing left to feel for you.
It was a feeling of almost soaring freedom. It would have been soaring if I didn't feel so flat myself. Maybe it was just a sort of sigh of relief instead. A little smile at the recognition of severed ties. The proof of the end of emotional turmoil. I do honestly wish it was the same for you.
But don't think everything comes easy to me. I know how you feel to a certain extent. I have actually been there, in a way. Though you wouldn't want to believe it. I drove away down that rainy street one early morning, with tears blurring the last views I got of the city, looking out the back window, knowing that I would never be back there. I will never be back there. I lay in an empty bed, reaching out for someone that wasn't there. I lay there with my whole body aching and burning like it never had before and never has since.
I lay there with silent tears, unable to breathe with longing. I have been unable to stand, overcome with despair, trying desperately and in vain to gain composure and control, after months without closure. I have, to a certain extent, been there.
*****
It's funny, I started out telling you not to scare me. Now I don't want to scare you.
I'm definitely scaring myself, and it feels pretty fantastic.
You aren't like anyone else I know, that's for sure. And by the way, you have something of mine, but that's ok, you can keep it for now... Just don't say you have all of it because no one does.
*****
Did this post sound down? Did this sound negative? I didn't intend it to. I'm feeling really good right now. I'm living my life well, I am seizing opportunities, and good things are coming my way. I am being brave and I am learning always. I am meeting amazing people, I am living the dream I just need to remember not to apologise for who I am quite so much. I don't want to slip back into that habit. At the same time, I want to better learn from the real mistakes I make.
Good night.