(no subject)
i thought the clearing of cloud would let the sunshine flow through, but alas i find i was wrong. or maybe the clouds are not yet past. they seem to have been replaced by those i didnt see before, but then just because i didnt see does not mean they were never there. indeed they were there long before i, or her, or us.
sometimes i feel so heavy, like the burdens of others have been placed upon my back to carry. they themselves did not put these weights over me, but i. i carry this armour like it would keep me safe, but i know in my darkest moments the armour is what holds me down. it empowers and devours me all at once. it is the sharp blade that cuts through my demons but only as much as myself. i am my own demon.
so here i lay in the place i thought was called safety. i was under the impression that when we reached this plane all would be well. maybe i lived too far into my own existence and not that of other people. i see the world in black and white most days. this makes me feel like i can make decisions that are not mine to make. that i should be able to help those who do not wish to be helped, hold those backing away from my touch. i can see the path that i think should be taken to overcome something that i never considered a person might not want to overcome.
i remember the devil. i remember dancing with him through the moonlight. how full of passion, power and aggression. i thrived. i recall how easy it was to smash through barriers, rules, people. how i felt righteous all along. judgement was upon those that judged me, and my axe was vicious and unrelenting. those who thought they could control me learnt that i could not be tamed. i did not want my eyes to be closed to the fire surrounding me. i wanted to feel the burn because it was more real than anything id ever felt before. it made happiness seem like a mask we all wore, a pathetic mask. well i saw through the painted faces and paper mache smiles.
sometimes i feel so heavy, like the burdens of others have been placed upon my back to carry. they themselves did not put these weights over me, but i. i carry this armour like it would keep me safe, but i know in my darkest moments the armour is what holds me down. it empowers and devours me all at once. it is the sharp blade that cuts through my demons but only as much as myself. i am my own demon.
so here i lay in the place i thought was called safety. i was under the impression that when we reached this plane all would be well. maybe i lived too far into my own existence and not that of other people. i see the world in black and white most days. this makes me feel like i can make decisions that are not mine to make. that i should be able to help those who do not wish to be helped, hold those backing away from my touch. i can see the path that i think should be taken to overcome something that i never considered a person might not want to overcome.
i remember the devil. i remember dancing with him through the moonlight. how full of passion, power and aggression. i thrived. i recall how easy it was to smash through barriers, rules, people. how i felt righteous all along. judgement was upon those that judged me, and my axe was vicious and unrelenting. those who thought they could control me learnt that i could not be tamed. i did not want my eyes to be closed to the fire surrounding me. i wanted to feel the burn because it was more real than anything id ever felt before. it made happiness seem like a mask we all wore, a pathetic mask. well i saw through the painted faces and paper mache smiles.