I just needed a place to get this out...
I'm almost positive no one reads this anymore, and i needed a place to just get this fucking off my chest. it's just one of those things that eats at me. i'm optimistic, but god fucking dammit is all i can think. i mean, i should really be more articulate than that, so i guess what i'm thinking is a mix of fuck you, and i messed up, and it's your fault, and your a liar, and in spite of fucking everything i still fucking miss you. fuck fuck fuck. the rational part of me knows that it is not my fault, i didn't, and couldn't, ever do anything like what you did, and then i most definately could not lie about it. you're a child, and i want to be the one for you, i want to be the one to help you, but you will never let me in, never open up. i have never been more hurt by anyone in my entire life, and i can forget, but i shouldn't forgive because no one has ever said more hurtful things to me after i've done so much for them. and you could have taken an honorable way out, however i knew from the beginning that it would end like this. really, if it started that way, it was only fitting that you would end it that way. karma is a fucking bitch, but then again, so are you. i hope you find your way, i hope you realize your mistake, and i hope you miss me. yeah, i still fucking think about you, but i know i deserve better because i am not what you said i am. and i will never get the apology that i want so that i don't feel this giant fucking gash all the time, but i know that you were just striking blindly so that you could get the blame and the guilt off of your head. you're faultless, you're perfect, and you don't care who you have to take down to remain that way. just remember, i wanted the best for you, i actually cared for you, i would and did do anything for you...i just wish you could come out of whatever hurt and lies you have wrapped yourself in to realize that you missed the best thing you had going. i was devoted...but if you want to bounce around from bed to bed looking for love, i'm not going to stop you. i'm done. done. fucking done. and while i think of you less and less, sometimes that feeling is so strong, i just needed to get this off my chest, more for myself than anyone else's own good. because if you taught me anything, it was to keep my heart to myself. because i gave it to you completely, and look where that got me. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuckin fuck fuck. ugh....