dreams and regrets.
i've heard people say before that they have absolutely no regrets in their life. while that sounds like a noble sentiment, it can't actually be true, right? like, it never once happened that they made a mistake and wished they didn't? i suppose they're using that phrase to mean they aren't allowing themselves to dwell on the past, won't beat themselves up over mistakes that can't be undone, shan't cry over spilled milk, etc. but sometimes it comes off sounding arrogrant-ish, like even if they DID screw up, they're not going to apologize for it, dangnabbit.
well, if anyone said "dangnabbit" anymore.
i have two main regrets in my life. which i guess i'm proving myself wrong just by saying that, because do i honestly think i've only made TWO mistakes? in all these thirty-three long years?? so perhaps i'm just as bad as those folks i'm criticizing. and i'm dwelling on them today because i had a dream about one of them tonight.
the one regret....no, i just can't. it's WAY too embarrassing and silly to ever share in public. at least not right now. so forget i even mentioned it. sheesh.
the other one, though, the one i dreamt about....back when i was first living with my wife, i had a good friend who had recently moved to the area. he and my wife knew each other vaguely but weren't super close. at the time i was working full time so wasn't home much, and somehow or another the two of them got into a huge fight one day. it involved (as most fights probably always do) the opinion of each of them as to how the other should be living their life. nobody actually DID anything; it was all about what they thought or said or implied. they were both very angry and took a few days apart. when they finally got together again to work things out, both of them remained as stubborn as possible and the rift got only worse, not better. no mending of fences whatsoever. since still nothing had happened, i wasn't angry at either of them except for both behaving so childishly. so theoretically i was unbiased....except being married to someone carries a significant bias. i was essentially pulled by her anger's gravity into deciding not to be his friend anymore, even though i ran into him a few more times over the years we lived in the same city and for the most part we were friendly when we saw each other, but we never called or wrote or hung out on purpose. the last straw was an email argument about how or when to return some money that had been lent, and then we never spoke again. and dude cut me OFF. as in, he has me blocked so that i can't even search for him on facebook*, much less message or friend him, call him, write him a letter.
my wife and i have different ways of reacting to (real or perceived) offense and i realize that now. no one way of feeling is more valid than the other. but through time i learned that it's ok to continue to react the way i naturally do and don't have to be LIKE her to be WITH her. but i didn't know that at the time and i think she also didn't know that she could trust a partner who didn't necessarily agree with her regarding 'third parties'. this same situation never happened again; although she has been in arguments with other people over the years, i haven't 'stopped speaking' to anyone else and hope i never do. it's just not who i am and i can't be a good spouse to her if i am not myself.
but i will never forget this friend that i lost. and he was one of my best friends. and he was right to feel betrayed by me for so long that he finally lost patience and gave up on me. and it still hurts inside when i remember him. and last night i dreamt that we were talking. he was angry and not very interested in becoming friends again, but at least we were talking, and i remember feeling this incredible release that one of my life-long regrets was getting resolved.
didn't mean to come back to lj with a depressing post! just needed to get that off my chest.
*i was going to say this has never happened before, but then i remembered another dude who also has me blocked that way on facebook. this happened after he questioned my faith after i came out of the closet, and i wrote him a nice long explanation answering his questions. he never sent an answer, and when i tried to friend him a couple years later, he never answered and blocked me. that case is much harder for me to understand and pisses me off more than anything else.
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