(no subject)
i guess i should take this time to explain myself. to myself. i don't know, this is a journal, right? i guess the fact that around 100 of my friends read it keeps me from writing how i'm doing, how i'm feeling.
right now, i feel like i'm in a rut. i've been crying on & off again for the past 2 hours, waiting for something to happen. anything. anything to break this cycle of monotony. i am bored, and overtired, and i need a cigarette and a hug... and i can't decide which one i need more.
i am insanely tired of having friends for a month and then "losing touch". that phrase is just a nice way of saying that things changed, someone doesn't return the calls. i keep these acquantainces for a few weeks, and then we drift away. i refuse to accept the notion that i'm responsible for this, because i'm the fool calling and leaving messages. and those calls are never returned.
since i was little, all i wanted was a true friend. moving around and all this bullshit prevented that from happening for a really long time, but now that my roots are finally in the ground, i don't get close to anyone. for fuck's sake, i'm trying. but am i honestly asking too much? for someone to care, to call, to be trustworthy?
i'm not asking for a pity party, i'm just explaining why i am the way i am. so when i don't call, when i don't leave messages, you will know why. because i'm sick of trying, i'm sick of being the one to put forth the effort.
there are two types of people in this world: the givers, and the recievers. and for so long, i have been giving so much of myself to all of you. all of the people i have met have been takers. and lately, i have been praying that maybe there is another giver, because i feel like i've dried up, like i have nothing left. it's nothing short of depressing.
so fuck all of you who consistently ignore me, don't call me back, act better than me. because you know that i can only act like i don't care for so long. i DO care. and it's tearing me apart knowing that these people that i've invested myself in don't give a fuck.
it's time for me to put myself first. i'm going to stop being ellen for 2 goddamn seconds, and not put everyone else first.
i'm through.
right now, i feel like i'm in a rut. i've been crying on & off again for the past 2 hours, waiting for something to happen. anything. anything to break this cycle of monotony. i am bored, and overtired, and i need a cigarette and a hug... and i can't decide which one i need more.
i am insanely tired of having friends for a month and then "losing touch". that phrase is just a nice way of saying that things changed, someone doesn't return the calls. i keep these acquantainces for a few weeks, and then we drift away. i refuse to accept the notion that i'm responsible for this, because i'm the fool calling and leaving messages. and those calls are never returned.
since i was little, all i wanted was a true friend. moving around and all this bullshit prevented that from happening for a really long time, but now that my roots are finally in the ground, i don't get close to anyone. for fuck's sake, i'm trying. but am i honestly asking too much? for someone to care, to call, to be trustworthy?
i'm not asking for a pity party, i'm just explaining why i am the way i am. so when i don't call, when i don't leave messages, you will know why. because i'm sick of trying, i'm sick of being the one to put forth the effort.
there are two types of people in this world: the givers, and the recievers. and for so long, i have been giving so much of myself to all of you. all of the people i have met have been takers. and lately, i have been praying that maybe there is another giver, because i feel like i've dried up, like i have nothing left. it's nothing short of depressing.
so fuck all of you who consistently ignore me, don't call me back, act better than me. because you know that i can only act like i don't care for so long. i DO care. and it's tearing me apart knowing that these people that i've invested myself in don't give a fuck.
it's time for me to put myself first. i'm going to stop being ellen for 2 goddamn seconds, and not put everyone else first.
i'm through.