(no subject)
Well okay, it's been a while and it feels like it's been a lot longer than it has been.
Where to start.
Well, I moved out of home when I got back from Japan. That was a long time coming and it wasn't like I've spent a lot of time at my parent's house in the last five years, anyway, when you consider the time that I spent living with Lachie and then in Canberra and in Sweden, in Europe this/last year, and the long hours that I put in at uni all through last year.
I feel quite alright at the moment. I've been busy with work, I work an hour from where I live so it's a long workday and then a long commute there and back, as well. Work is okay. But I don't want to be there forever. Since working, I've been wondering if I made the wrong choice - not taking the phd, but working instead. It's an impossible thing to gauge, maybe in hindsight I'll know someday, but at the moment, I guess I'm okay with this. But it's not where I want to be forever.
I think I struggle with a few things at work, and they're all social and emotional things. Technically I'm not out of my depth. I can do the work fine, but I'm constantly feeling unassertive, shy, and I'm feeling like I should be more.. better. But I don't know how to be. It's a self-proclaimed organisation of introverts, so I shouldn't feel so strange there. I know that, in the end, I always have the upper hand, because if I don't like it, I can leave. I certainly can leave, I can get another job, I can do a phd - I still have a deferred phd application, even, so I don't know what I'm so scared about.
I have more to say, but also a million things to do.
In hindsight, I worked myself way too hard last year, and I'm still not sure if it was worth it. I did perfectly, but there are people at my workplace who I know didn't do so well. So who cares how I did, anyway?
Where to start.
Well, I moved out of home when I got back from Japan. That was a long time coming and it wasn't like I've spent a lot of time at my parent's house in the last five years, anyway, when you consider the time that I spent living with Lachie and then in Canberra and in Sweden, in Europe this/last year, and the long hours that I put in at uni all through last year.
I feel quite alright at the moment. I've been busy with work, I work an hour from where I live so it's a long workday and then a long commute there and back, as well. Work is okay. But I don't want to be there forever. Since working, I've been wondering if I made the wrong choice - not taking the phd, but working instead. It's an impossible thing to gauge, maybe in hindsight I'll know someday, but at the moment, I guess I'm okay with this. But it's not where I want to be forever.
I think I struggle with a few things at work, and they're all social and emotional things. Technically I'm not out of my depth. I can do the work fine, but I'm constantly feeling unassertive, shy, and I'm feeling like I should be more.. better. But I don't know how to be. It's a self-proclaimed organisation of introverts, so I shouldn't feel so strange there. I know that, in the end, I always have the upper hand, because if I don't like it, I can leave. I certainly can leave, I can get another job, I can do a phd - I still have a deferred phd application, even, so I don't know what I'm so scared about.
I have more to say, but also a million things to do.
In hindsight, I worked myself way too hard last year, and I'm still not sure if it was worth it. I did perfectly, but there are people at my workplace who I know didn't do so well. So who cares how I did, anyway?