(no subject)
I figured out that when I'm stressed out I make strings of sarcastic comments with no real point or punch line and tend to dominate conversation entirely in an effort to distract the person I'm addressing and myself from the myriad of awkward comments or pauses or slip-ups I made five minutes ago. Which means I'm my father, basically. I guess I've always sortof known that, but hopefully saying it explicitly will help me to stop doing it in the future. I don't want to be that person. How can I be too shy and also talk too much? How does that HAPPEN?
I realize that I do not have social anxiety. But I've spent the last week sitting in my room because being around people here makes me anxious.
I have selective social anxiety. Or maybe I am just selective. That sounds better.
I like my new adviser a lot. She spent two years in Canada working on a human rights commission and she has a crystal in her office that she says is supposed to give out negative ions that cleanse the air and promote a sense of well-being. Since she's been off campus she's not really sure about actual academic or administrative things, but she's nice and seems pretty genuine, and I think I can handle academic stuff on my own. It's not rocket science, at least so far anyway. So that's good.
People keep asking me what I studied in Chicago and I'm having a hard time remembering what exactly I learned. I started saying, "We basically learned how to get pissed off" because I feel self-conscious saying, "We talked about what needs to change and how people are changing it" or, "We learned about inherently racist politics and white privilege." I feel guilty, because I shouldn't be ashamed of what I spent a semester doing, or of what I believe. I'm not a stereotype. I say as I listen to Ani and read about the failing welfare system and contemplate obama t-shirts. Okay, so maybe I am a stereotype, but honestly why does it matter?
How am I going to work in any possible facet of social work if I cry about everything? I didn't used to cry about anything. I think maybe it has more to do with me than with the world getting more fucked up. I should know more about the news. I need to look up more context for why things are the way they are. It's hard to know where to start, sometimes.
GOD I get emo here. I'm going to start exercising or walking in the arb or something. I think maybe that'll help the antsy feeling.
I realize that I do not have social anxiety. But I've spent the last week sitting in my room because being around people here makes me anxious.
I have selective social anxiety. Or maybe I am just selective. That sounds better.
I like my new adviser a lot. She spent two years in Canada working on a human rights commission and she has a crystal in her office that she says is supposed to give out negative ions that cleanse the air and promote a sense of well-being. Since she's been off campus she's not really sure about actual academic or administrative things, but she's nice and seems pretty genuine, and I think I can handle academic stuff on my own. It's not rocket science, at least so far anyway. So that's good.
People keep asking me what I studied in Chicago and I'm having a hard time remembering what exactly I learned. I started saying, "We basically learned how to get pissed off" because I feel self-conscious saying, "We talked about what needs to change and how people are changing it" or, "We learned about inherently racist politics and white privilege." I feel guilty, because I shouldn't be ashamed of what I spent a semester doing, or of what I believe. I'm not a stereotype. I say as I listen to Ani and read about the failing welfare system and contemplate obama t-shirts. Okay, so maybe I am a stereotype, but honestly why does it matter?
How am I going to work in any possible facet of social work if I cry about everything? I didn't used to cry about anything. I think maybe it has more to do with me than with the world getting more fucked up. I should know more about the news. I need to look up more context for why things are the way they are. It's hard to know where to start, sometimes.
GOD I get emo here. I'm going to start exercising or walking in the arb or something. I think maybe that'll help the antsy feeling.