"..I don't know what I'd do..
...if I lost you."
Those lyrics seem to fit this entry:
I'm lonely tonight. You have those nights ya know? Sometimes, it doesn't matter how many people you know or talk to or see; you just feel alone. Literally, I am alone tonight though. My roommates are all off in their own directions and I stayed in the dorm tonight studying for finals (at least that's what I told myself). No one in my hallway even stopped by to see me or say hi. Mary Kate and I talked on the phone like we were dating. It makes me laugh, but I still hung up the phone to an empty room. Wyatt's at the bars. That's okay; I just want to talk to him. Scattered texts are hardly conversation.
Kristen Berry called me briefly today, to see if I was in town to go to Catharine's birthday shindig. It got me missing high school though. Mary Kate said she found herself looking at high school stuff tonight, too. I love college, don't get me wrong, but some night I just miss the friendships and closeness and innocence of high school. I wonder what my old friends are doing. Is Adam Shook getting into boy trouble as always? Is Shelby playing softball at all? Has James had any more white russians? Is Caroline still so so funny? Did Courtney grow out of her "punk" stage? Does Todd still love the military? -- Where is Jake? What is the boy from court doing? Have the kids with the frisbee graduated from college? What about the kids I went to camp with? Where are they? Do any of these people even remember me?
I'm feeling alone, but I'm also feeling really confused with my future. I feel behind technically with photography. It's really making me nervous. And I've been thinking about what I want for my future, and I still don't know what career I'm supposed to do. I really want a family and I just don't know how photography can get me a stable enough career to support that while still being with them. Sure I can make decent money shooting for national geographic, but hoping from country to country, although that's been my dream for so long, doesn't fit with raising children.
I've been worrying a lot about my parents lately, too. I took a gerontology course this semester, just because I thought it looked interesting, and although it has been just that, it has also scared the shit out of me. I'm not four anymore and my parents aren't going to live forever. My mom worries me the most. I'm trying to be strong for her with some family things going on and I'm weaker than she thinks I am. I'm trying so hard though. But she worries me so much. She doesn't eat right. She works too much. She sleeps too little. She smokes (again). She drinks (occasionally, obviously). She worries about everything. She has no release. She doesn't talk to anyone. She doesn't unwind. She doesn't have a hobby. She doesn't have any friends really (outside family). I just.. I want her to see me get married; I want her to see my children. She has to. My dad is the exact opposite. I have to make sure he slows down. I have to keep telling him he isn't 20.
Long distance is kicking my ass right now too. Kayla and her boyfriend are going through a lot of problems and it's just making me realize how much I'm in love. It's a little scary, because obviously I haven't ever been here before. But it's so frustrating to see them fight because it's just stupid. It's time spent yelling instead of time spent loving. I'm just sick of not getting to see the person who can make any day better; the person who knows me better than anyone; the person who knows my deepest secrets; the person who says I'm beautiful at my worst; the person who makes me laugh in the best way, even when I don't want to; the person I've grown with. I know it's made us closer and stronger, but some days I just want to be able to see him whenever I want.
I'm just in a rut right now. I'm not really content with anything. I'm homesick probably. Hopefully it will all be fixed when I come home next week. Well, it's 2 a.m. and Wyatt's finally calling. I guess that means a call and then bed. Goodnight world.
Those lyrics seem to fit this entry:
I'm lonely tonight. You have those nights ya know? Sometimes, it doesn't matter how many people you know or talk to or see; you just feel alone. Literally, I am alone tonight though. My roommates are all off in their own directions and I stayed in the dorm tonight studying for finals (at least that's what I told myself). No one in my hallway even stopped by to see me or say hi. Mary Kate and I talked on the phone like we were dating. It makes me laugh, but I still hung up the phone to an empty room. Wyatt's at the bars. That's okay; I just want to talk to him. Scattered texts are hardly conversation.
Kristen Berry called me briefly today, to see if I was in town to go to Catharine's birthday shindig. It got me missing high school though. Mary Kate said she found herself looking at high school stuff tonight, too. I love college, don't get me wrong, but some night I just miss the friendships and closeness and innocence of high school. I wonder what my old friends are doing. Is Adam Shook getting into boy trouble as always? Is Shelby playing softball at all? Has James had any more white russians? Is Caroline still so so funny? Did Courtney grow out of her "punk" stage? Does Todd still love the military? -- Where is Jake? What is the boy from court doing? Have the kids with the frisbee graduated from college? What about the kids I went to camp with? Where are they? Do any of these people even remember me?
I'm feeling alone, but I'm also feeling really confused with my future. I feel behind technically with photography. It's really making me nervous. And I've been thinking about what I want for my future, and I still don't know what career I'm supposed to do. I really want a family and I just don't know how photography can get me a stable enough career to support that while still being with them. Sure I can make decent money shooting for national geographic, but hoping from country to country, although that's been my dream for so long, doesn't fit with raising children.
I've been worrying a lot about my parents lately, too. I took a gerontology course this semester, just because I thought it looked interesting, and although it has been just that, it has also scared the shit out of me. I'm not four anymore and my parents aren't going to live forever. My mom worries me the most. I'm trying to be strong for her with some family things going on and I'm weaker than she thinks I am. I'm trying so hard though. But she worries me so much. She doesn't eat right. She works too much. She sleeps too little. She smokes (again). She drinks (occasionally, obviously). She worries about everything. She has no release. She doesn't talk to anyone. She doesn't unwind. She doesn't have a hobby. She doesn't have any friends really (outside family). I just.. I want her to see me get married; I want her to see my children. She has to. My dad is the exact opposite. I have to make sure he slows down. I have to keep telling him he isn't 20.
Long distance is kicking my ass right now too. Kayla and her boyfriend are going through a lot of problems and it's just making me realize how much I'm in love. It's a little scary, because obviously I haven't ever been here before. But it's so frustrating to see them fight because it's just stupid. It's time spent yelling instead of time spent loving. I'm just sick of not getting to see the person who can make any day better; the person who knows me better than anyone; the person who knows my deepest secrets; the person who says I'm beautiful at my worst; the person who makes me laugh in the best way, even when I don't want to; the person I've grown with. I know it's made us closer and stronger, but some days I just want to be able to see him whenever I want.
I'm just in a rut right now. I'm not really content with anything. I'm homesick probably. Hopefully it will all be fixed when I come home next week. Well, it's 2 a.m. and Wyatt's finally calling. I guess that means a call and then bed. Goodnight world.