i'm just tired. not sleepy. TIRED.
i'm falling apart. and no one is the wiser. people seem to need me too much these days to a point where i force myself to be the strong one. if i ask them for help i think it would sound as if i'm pretending. or it might be like two drowning people trying to save each other. i don't know. but it's a scary feeling. it's like suffocation. i keep looking at things from an alien perspective. looking at life from an alien perspective. conciousness itself is weirding me out. in myself and in others. especially in others. our overall obsession with ourselves, our lives, and our cultures. it makes me feel... very alienated. isolated. lonely. depressed. it makes me feel.. well, honestly, suicidal. i keep thinking that i would just like to stop existing altogether. but it's not just like i can hope myself to death one night and be gone by morning. but the problem with suicide is that my conciousness might be gone.. but my body won't be and it has to be dealed with by people who it would probably hurt very much to have to do that. so i think.. if i ever did do it, i would probably run away first. well, i'd leave some notes for people and maybe just try to have them believe that i was alive but far away. death scares people too much. but if they think i'm just out someplace else and entirely happier, it would keep them more content than knowing that someone they knew had ended their life and i don't think i would want anyone blaming themselves or always wondering why it happened. i'm not going to do it. i just think about it a lot.