Look at How Far We've Come
Hello everyone.
Dorothy
Laura
Katie
Angela
Eric
Lauren
Andrea
Nick
Amanda
Christine
And everyone else who I see on my friend's page I did not mention.
I was doing a bit of archiving today. And I went back to April of 2008 and read all the entires I posted during the time I broke up with Matt.
I am not gonna lie, I cried. The entries I wrote were so full of emotion and so heartbreaking. How quickly they turned to ill blooded, hateful, vengeful entries that I didn't even recognize who wrote them.
I truely feel blessed that I have recovered from such a painful journey. The pain I experienced this summer and the months in short after were indescribeable. It makes me so happy to know he's no longer a part of my life and now he's a burden to someone else.
He made me a terrible person on the inside. And I do believe it takes someone new to make you realize what the fuck were you thinking? I wanted to thank all my friends for always sticking by my side when shit rolls down hill for me.
It's so funny because these guys I wrote about immediately after Matt how I kept saying how happy I was I was healed yatta yatta yatta, it was all a big fat front. Who was I kidding? These guys were just in my life to make me feel better on a rebound.
We digress. I feel like my heart just won a weight lifting competition. It's so much stronger than it was 9 months ago. It was submerged in a ocean of emotion, tears, regret, hate and pain. And I know someone like myself doesn't deserve that.
I'm glad LiveJournal is around for these purposes. It helps me look back on the person I was, and the person I am today. And wow, what a difference. The pain subsided, and the storm has ended. And the dust cloud settled. And when it did, there he was.
I'd like to introduce Taylor Poore. You may want to get used to this name because it's going to be around hopefully for the next few entries. Taylor came into my life right around the holidays when I was at my most vulnerable point in fearing that I may begin to miss Matt again. But in the nick of time there he was.
"Well what's differerent about this one Phill? The guys you've bragged about here are here today gone tomorrow."
Well to answer that question, the reason why I like him so much is because he has emotion, he's real, he's down to earth, and he's sort of like a teacher to me. And no, it's not like we fool around after a math quiz sort of teacher-student thing relationship.
Taylor taught me to never care about what other's around you think. They're strangers and therefore the don't matter. Love the one you're with and don't be afraid to show it. Times are changing my friends. And it's 2009 if you aren't used to gay culture by now you better get the fuck used to it.
Taylor also treats me like a prince and quite frankly, I'm so accustomed to having every imperfection about me, every flaw and every mishap on my body or about myself drawn out and thrown into my face so I would never forget it.
This new atmosphere of someone treating you like you're the reason they take another breath, or that you're the most important thing to step into their lives is so new to me and I don't know how to react. He's so smitten towards me and I'm almost like dumbfounded because I don't know what to say. I've never felt so important before.
I like Taylor because he's creative. He painted me a picture in water color and incorporated the 3 things I can name off the top of my head I love most into it. My heart, New York City and roller coasters lol. All in a beautiful portrait he hand drew and framed for me. It's up on my wall now so I can remember that I have an impact on someone else's life that they can take the time out to draw for me.
I like Taylor because he's creative in his emotions. I opened up my drawer the other day and found a note on top of my T-shirts. I put my hand in my sleep-bottom pocket and found another note. I'm at a loss for words. I sometimes don't think I deserve someone like this.
But after reading my entires from April 2008, my mind quickly changed. Yes I do. I do deserve someone like this. Someone who wont cheat on me on my 21st birthday, or make me feel miserable on our 2 year anniversary, or exclude me from his social surroundings.
He's real. And he's my boyfriend. He opened up the atmosphere of gay culture when we went to a gay club. I was loving every minute of it. And when we walk in from now on, I feel like we're celebrities. Every eye is on us. My world is like topsy turvy with him.
So Taylor if you read this, please, stay where you are, don't move. I have you just where I want you.
As for right here and now, I take it day by day. I don't want to look into the future. Right now, there is snow on the ground, it is unbelievably cold, Taylor is drawing me another picture, my friend is here from Florida, and I have work tomorrow from 11-8. And tomorrow is going to be an excellent day because I have my friends, my family, my health, my job, and Taylor.
And that's all she wrote.
Goodnight everyone.