"Heavens' gates come crashing down, slamming me into more darkness."

[thirdlaw]

I saw her again today, we were going to have coffee together, suddenly I realized I was on the virge of a full blown panic attack, I don't get these often but now just trying to talk to her sends be crashing further down into my own private hell, I love her more than anything and all I have to do is sit like a good boy, not able to protest if a guy

Comments

No

[darkangeltrip]

I highly doubt the pain you feel now is even close to what you did to me. I hid it very well untill I could take no more, but you killed me inside, and no matter what you say, you can never feel what I felt all that time we spent together when you were mean. You have no idea how much I loved you and how absolutelly devoted I was to you, but you couldn't care and you didn't even try to pretend to care. You deserve all the pain you feel now, and I know I'm a bitch for saying that, but I wouldn't if I didn't feel that way. You were a Jerk, flat out. and I don't really care anymore.... at least I shouldn't. but I still want you to be my friend. If thats not possible, if you can't just be my friend for now and prove to me and the world that you have changed, then I guess this is goodbye. I don't want to put you through torture when you see me and have to be my friend, and I don't want to ground you from me, but I will disappear from your life if you can't either get over me or really change into a good and nice person and be my friend untill I know if there is a chance of us. But you will have to change for everyone, all my friends and yours have to know you are good before I will ever even consider being more than friends. I don't want to hurt you with all of this, but I had to say it before I do decide to disappear. So, this is your chance to prove you've changed and be my friend. It's probably the last you will have.

So be HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!

~Reinikka

Re: No

[thirdlaw]

Im so afraid that you will hook up with someone else, I freak out when I think of that, And mabey I don't hurt as much as you did but I do now, it might not be the same kind of hurt but I work diferently its the only real pain I know, most things dont get to me but this does, its not fair of me to say forget all of it but please don't leave me alone, I need you, My friends, at least the ones I hang with know i've changed, They feel bad about the situation but they all say the same thing, tough it out, you two are to good to give up, so I try but even though I never showed it, I adored you so much, mabey we can twist this friendship into something I can work with to, Im not trying to trick you into coming right back, its just that you call all the shots but if I could be with you time to time, if you could just act a little like it would be when you trust me, it would be easier for me to relax and act like things would be with us when you believe me, i wasen't trying to say anything bad earlier, Im sorry if it came out that way. but please call me tomorrow or even tonight if you want, im just so messed up over all this, but if we could try to interact as a couple,( not much just a little) I could not be so sad and see that theres hope, its just so hard to be around you but please dont go away, I just need to find a way to make it work , thats all that matters to me in the world is us , I still have no doubt that I can be all you said you want, not because im trying to suck up but I remember the way things were and I know when Im me, (and I am now) Im just like the way you describe , well as close as I can come but I know its going to work, im not trying to force it but i am trying to make you see that and iv'e been to stong about it, sorry, just dont leave me completely, please!. I will always love you , sorry.

Re: No

[darkangeltrip]

What the fuck?! .....I might just be really tired right now, and I know I didn't understand a bunch of that so I'll re-read it in the morning... but what the fuck?! I am not going to act like we are a couple, I'm sorry, but we are broken up. I don't care how much you think we will work out, its not working now, so I'm not going to pretend that it is.

I had more to say, but I am so tired and confused that I forgot.. so I'll be back here in the later morning to see if there is more I can say.

Re: No

[thirdlaw]

I wasn't saying we should act like a couple, just a little less stiff around each other, if its to hard for you to try for our sake mabey this wont work but at least I tried, if being a little nicer to me is so hard than I guess you dont care anymore. you say I trated you so horible and you loved me, I know I was bad but now it looks like things are reversed., just an observation, or a thought dont get mad, thats not how any of this was meant to come out, I just needed an outlet. I'll check back later

Re: No

[darkangeltrip]

How have you tried? and how could you say that I haven't? If I wasn't trying I never would have talked to you yesterday and I never would have tried to make conversation in the car or give out ideas for things we could do. Its not my fault that you can't just be happy around me instead of making me mad at you for acting so misearble... ok, so maybe it is my fault a little since I was the one who broke up with you, but you brought it on, and you can't let go. If you acted like you wanted to see me and hang out and do stuff, then you should know that I would be fine, I would smile and be nice to you and we would have fun. But it has to start with YOU. You are the one that wants this to work, so its all up to you.

Be nice, be happy, be fun, and I will too.

But I'm not going to keep trying to be nice to you if you keep acting depressed. ok?

Re: No

[thirdlaw]

Ok, I will shut up, try to quit whining, and try to act normal, I'm to close to loosing you completely to f* up now, please accept my appologies and at least believe im sorry for all this crap I put you through, just out of curiosity though, did anything I said pull at your heartstrings or was it all wasted, you havent been to heartless about all this but im being honest with you about everything, are you with yourself? Is there part of you that realy does want to believe me and your holding it back for fear i'll hurt you? not trying to play ming games with you I just realy need to know, I can shut up about all of this and try to be your friend as long as I know part of you wants to believe and trust me, I just really need to know if theres any romantic love left somewhere in you or if you've given up on that for now? that would answer everything I need to move on to the next phase of us existing together somehow. I know weve talked about this before but you just have to deal with me, while im confused and not remembering everything, I can now so please don't be mad at me for asking you to repeat yourself, this is the best time for best time for me to clear this all up. thank you for your patience. bye.

Re: No

[darkangeltrip]

yes, there is some small part of me buried deep inside that wants to believe you. But my over-whelming conscience tells me not to, because I learn from the past more than the present. I remember all the times you Promised me you would quit smoking, Promised me you would be nice to me, PROMISED you would be a good boyfriend. and I remember all the time you Broke those promises. The Past tells me not to believe you. The Past taught me that you tend to break your Promises to Me. So until I Know that you have kept this promise, I will continue to doubt it.

Re: No

[thirdlaw]

Im glad to hear part of you wants to believe, thats a start but, remember, your own words said you learn from the past, not from the present, just remember the begining, there isn't much more of a past for us, you were happy, at least you said you were and that was when I was still mostly good, please just don't forget what we once had, I remember and that is why I can't let this go so easily, I know theres so much good we had, and can have again, someday you will see that, either after you move on and remember me from time to time or you finally can see me for what I truly am... the good man with his own devels that went to far, that wronged you and has atoned for my crimes to myself and trying to do anything to do the same to you, I just need to have you see that, and me for the truth, somehow, throughout time if need be, I just wish you didn't think I would try to stop you from having fun and going out, when were together I have nothing to worry about but when your free to do anything, even if it's not you, I don't think I could look at you the same, im not trying to be controlling, I have no rights, but I hope our promise is still intact, not just becouse im jelous but I worry about you and your safety.