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Sorry for the continual teaser, but I have to get this off my chest quickly.
My older brother is pretty much a jerk who managed to piss off and alienate my grandparents and mother years ago. He put my (well, mom's) truck up on blocks and took all 4 tires off and refused to put them back on because I returned $14 worth of soda/beer cans collecting in our basement and I wouldn't give him the money because those were his cans (mom bought the soda and the beer and the whole family drank the soda and mom & dad drank the beer) -- I had already put the money into gas for the truck. When my little brother was able to get away from work and college last minute and drove 4+hrs to attend older brother's daughters' christening, older brother wouldn't shake his hand and said "Haven't you ever heard of an RSVP?" Every conversation I have with him, I'm wrong. When I'm a fed and he's a contractor, I'm working for The Man and have no ambition. When he gets a job as a fed, suddenly I'm not actually doing things, I'm just a paper pusher and he's doing real work. I have a 40 year old beat up sailboat in my grandparents' yard that I use once a year but no, I should drop $3K on a new boat and get a trailer...to sail it once a year. I put a framed picture in my car, I'm doing it wrong and don't blame him when it breaks. And through all of that, I stayed civil, polite, wouldn't say bad things about him, agreed that he had hurt nearly everyone else in the family but I've always been the peacekeeper, I would always urge that maybe there was just a misunderstanding, and maybe talking things out would repair ties.
I called him after I got engaged to see if he wanted to be friendly at my wedding or if he was not in fact going to talk to anyone from the family. He thought I was calling to ask if his daughters (twins) wanted to be flower girls. Same page? We're not even in the same library. He and I talked for a bit, I explained that I wanted a friendly, good day, where people got to know each other, and I was a bit nervous about how he'd react/interact to 3 of my most important guests -- mom and grandparents. How would the girls interact with these people who raised their dad, but they hadn't seen since they were 2? He said not to worry, his girls didn't talk to strangers.
We were scheduled to talk the following night, he called me before I could call him. He said he had related out discussion to his wife who said they would not be attending my wedding so not to bother inviting them, and to please stay away from and do not communicate with their daughters (she had, maybe 2 weeks before, facebooked me to ask if the girls could write me letters and if I'd write back, as they were doing letter-writing in school. I said of course), because I was a bad influence.
I talked to him again within the next 2 weeks, because he called my dad to ask about a problem one of the girls was having that I had when I was a kid and since dad didn't remember how the problem was dealt with, would dad ask me? When dad called me back again with a followup question, I asked dad just to give me his number because it was stupid that he had questions for me but wouldn't ask me. We talked for a few minutes, I told him how it was dealt with, he informed me the solution was stupid and they weren't going to do that for their daughter.
I decided I was done with his shit. Done. Done. Done. I asked Captain Legoland what he thought. I have always tried to present older brother in an even light, acknowledging there are at least 2 sides to every story and I only know my own. Captain Legoland suggested that perhaps since I was the only one he hadn't completely pissed off, he had been deliberately pushing me to get there. (He's never had a problem with my dad, but my dad doesn't really stand up for himself or anyone else. Love him though)
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I talked to my West Coast aunt last night. This is the aunt that lost her 24 year old daughter in a car accident in November. She lost her husband, my uncle, 25 years ago next month. He died rock climbing, 4 months before my cousin was born. She lost an employee to liver failure last week, the same day she got an email from her ex-husband (good terms)'s best friend saying he died suddenly. So she's very much in a "you never know what is going to happen so don't live with regrets" mindset. She hasn't ever been here to deal with the crap from my older brother and is a wonderful hippie who, like me, just thinks you should talk things out and let things go.
She brought up my older brother in the conversation and I said I hadn't really talked to him in a while. She reminded me that life is short and unexpected.
I've been thinking about that phrase alot since she said it. While the majority of my being feels that yes, I should not leave hard feelings anywhere if possible, I think I've found the exception. I got walked over, almost attacked, told I was wrong, watched people I love get really hurt by his behavior for 34 years while I was polite, nice, considerate, etc.
I think I've decided life is too short to get hurt and shit on. I wouldn't ever be mean -- I still believe there are sides of this story where he feels he's completely justified -- but I don't have to be near him or interact. I'm sitting on the cusp of where I really have the option to try and open a door and make a connection again, not just with him but his daughters (who are the innocent bystanders here -- I have no idea what their parents have/haven't said about me) and I have to decide whether to write a letter to him and his wife. It would explain why I was writing and say that I hoped they had decided I was no longer a bad influence and I would look forward to corresponding with their daughters.
I saw one of the girls at L'il Bro's wife's baby shower a little over a year ago, and wasn't sure which girl it was. It was much worse when that girl had walked into my mom's tackle shop 2 years before, a few minutes ahead of her mother, and my mom didn't realize who she was until her mother walked in.
There's just alot of hurt, and I get to pick whether I open the door and hope that hurt doesn't come through. History says it will, and in spades. I don't think I want to do this, but the optimist in me says I can. The strong person in me says I won't get hurt. At this point, I don't think I'll get hurt -- I'm past hurt and on to angry. I see more verbal abuse through that door, yet I want to open it. I don't want to be angry.
Life is too short to be angry, to get hurt. But still, I can't decide.
My older brother is pretty much a jerk who managed to piss off and alienate my grandparents and mother years ago. He put my (well, mom's) truck up on blocks and took all 4 tires off and refused to put them back on because I returned $14 worth of soda/beer cans collecting in our basement and I wouldn't give him the money because those were his cans (mom bought the soda and the beer and the whole family drank the soda and mom & dad drank the beer) -- I had already put the money into gas for the truck. When my little brother was able to get away from work and college last minute and drove 4+hrs to attend older brother's daughters' christening, older brother wouldn't shake his hand and said "Haven't you ever heard of an RSVP?" Every conversation I have with him, I'm wrong. When I'm a fed and he's a contractor, I'm working for The Man and have no ambition. When he gets a job as a fed, suddenly I'm not actually doing things, I'm just a paper pusher and he's doing real work. I have a 40 year old beat up sailboat in my grandparents' yard that I use once a year but no, I should drop $3K on a new boat and get a trailer...to sail it once a year. I put a framed picture in my car, I'm doing it wrong and don't blame him when it breaks. And through all of that, I stayed civil, polite, wouldn't say bad things about him, agreed that he had hurt nearly everyone else in the family but I've always been the peacekeeper, I would always urge that maybe there was just a misunderstanding, and maybe talking things out would repair ties.
I called him after I got engaged to see if he wanted to be friendly at my wedding or if he was not in fact going to talk to anyone from the family. He thought I was calling to ask if his daughters (twins) wanted to be flower girls. Same page? We're not even in the same library. He and I talked for a bit, I explained that I wanted a friendly, good day, where people got to know each other, and I was a bit nervous about how he'd react/interact to 3 of my most important guests -- mom and grandparents. How would the girls interact with these people who raised their dad, but they hadn't seen since they were 2? He said not to worry, his girls didn't talk to strangers.
We were scheduled to talk the following night, he called me before I could call him. He said he had related out discussion to his wife who said they would not be attending my wedding so not to bother inviting them, and to please stay away from and do not communicate with their daughters (she had, maybe 2 weeks before, facebooked me to ask if the girls could write me letters and if I'd write back, as they were doing letter-writing in school. I said of course), because I was a bad influence.
I talked to him again within the next 2 weeks, because he called my dad to ask about a problem one of the girls was having that I had when I was a kid and since dad didn't remember how the problem was dealt with, would dad ask me? When dad called me back again with a followup question, I asked dad just to give me his number because it was stupid that he had questions for me but wouldn't ask me. We talked for a few minutes, I told him how it was dealt with, he informed me the solution was stupid and they weren't going to do that for their daughter.
I decided I was done with his shit. Done. Done. Done. I asked Captain Legoland what he thought. I have always tried to present older brother in an even light, acknowledging there are at least 2 sides to every story and I only know my own. Captain Legoland suggested that perhaps since I was the only one he hadn't completely pissed off, he had been deliberately pushing me to get there. (He's never had a problem with my dad, but my dad doesn't really stand up for himself or anyone else. Love him though)
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I talked to my West Coast aunt last night. This is the aunt that lost her 24 year old daughter in a car accident in November. She lost her husband, my uncle, 25 years ago next month. He died rock climbing, 4 months before my cousin was born. She lost an employee to liver failure last week, the same day she got an email from her ex-husband (good terms)'s best friend saying he died suddenly. So she's very much in a "you never know what is going to happen so don't live with regrets" mindset. She hasn't ever been here to deal with the crap from my older brother and is a wonderful hippie who, like me, just thinks you should talk things out and let things go.
She brought up my older brother in the conversation and I said I hadn't really talked to him in a while. She reminded me that life is short and unexpected.
I've been thinking about that phrase alot since she said it. While the majority of my being feels that yes, I should not leave hard feelings anywhere if possible, I think I've found the exception. I got walked over, almost attacked, told I was wrong, watched people I love get really hurt by his behavior for 34 years while I was polite, nice, considerate, etc.
I think I've decided life is too short to get hurt and shit on. I wouldn't ever be mean -- I still believe there are sides of this story where he feels he's completely justified -- but I don't have to be near him or interact. I'm sitting on the cusp of where I really have the option to try and open a door and make a connection again, not just with him but his daughters (who are the innocent bystanders here -- I have no idea what their parents have/haven't said about me) and I have to decide whether to write a letter to him and his wife. It would explain why I was writing and say that I hoped they had decided I was no longer a bad influence and I would look forward to corresponding with their daughters.
I saw one of the girls at L'il Bro's wife's baby shower a little over a year ago, and wasn't sure which girl it was. It was much worse when that girl had walked into my mom's tackle shop 2 years before, a few minutes ahead of her mother, and my mom didn't realize who she was until her mother walked in.
There's just alot of hurt, and I get to pick whether I open the door and hope that hurt doesn't come through. History says it will, and in spades. I don't think I want to do this, but the optimist in me says I can. The strong person in me says I won't get hurt. At this point, I don't think I'll get hurt -- I'm past hurt and on to angry. I see more verbal abuse through that door, yet I want to open it. I don't want to be angry.
Life is too short to be angry, to get hurt. But still, I can't decide.