(no subject)
"Find something you would die for, then live for it."
- Malan Breton
Today was my grandmother's 60th birthday party. I know that that sounds boring at first, but you have to understand a few things about my grandmother. First off, she's fucking crazy. She's been institutionalized many times, she's been charged of attempted murder many times, she's attempted to commit suicide a countless number of times, and her biggest fear in life is getting old [which has led to compulsive returns to the plastic surgeon]. Secondly, she's never been like a grandmother to me. She's always been more like a mother -- at least she's been a hell of a lot more like a mother than people like, say, Shannon has [and Shannon even has the balls to sometimes call herself my mother just because she fucks my dad]. Thirdly, she's a huge pot-smokin' hippie.
So, as I mentioned earlier in the above paragraph, her one fear in life is getting old. She called me last night and said, "JESSIQUA. I'M FREAKING OUT. I AM SO FAT..." and then she went from there. I reassured her that she's not fat, and the only people that are going to be at her party to "judge" her are her closest friends -- and they would never judge her based on such things. This morning she called me again and said, "JESSIQUA! I AM TOO UGLY TO LEAVE THE HOUSE. I CANNOT LEAVE THE HOUSE, I'M TOO UGLY! AND I'M SO FAT! I'VE TRIED ON AT LEAST 200 DIFFERENT OUTFITS THIS MORNING, AND NONE OF THEM WORK BECAUSE OF MY GODDAMNED STOMACH! THIS IS THE MOST STRESSFUL THING THAT I'VE EVER HAD TO DO IN MY LIFE!" and she, again, went from there. Again, I assured her that she looked fine, using the cliche reassurements, and then asked her if trying to commit murder was more or less stressful than trying to look thin.
Anyways, even if she doesn't like it, she turned sixty today, and we threw her a party.
Her friends always amuse me. Among this crowd of her friends, I talked to a woman wearing a Rod Stewart tshirt that told me that she's passed out over ten times because of how intense her orgasms are.
So, the first hour or so was interesting because of the shit that they were talking about, etc. But I have to say, that listening to sixty-year-old men and women that you hardly know talk about having orgasms WHILE GOLFING is only entertaining for so long. 8| Then it got really boring really fast after that and I ended up just sitting on the stairs of the house and watching everyone come and go and eat hamburgers.
I brought Edmond along with me, but recently I've formed a hatred towards listening to music through headphones while there's other things to listen to that you might not be as familiar with. So, I had Edmond with me, and my headphones remained slung on my neck throughout the entire party, but I didn't listen to him. Instead I listened to the trees, the rooster next door, and the conversations of the people around me, while making observations about people and things around me.
Today I was looking at Patty, the woman who collects Cabbage Patch Dolls that I used to live with that I mentioned in the post prior to this, and I realized that she had cuts all up and down her legs and arms. 8/ It was kind of a strange observation because I've known her my entire life, and up until today I always regarded her as "The Martha Stewart of the Twilight Zone," because that's exactly what she is -- except more perfect.
Today I found myself entirely dissatisfied with the entire world --
which I think had something to do with the fact that I kept talking to a woman wearing a Rod Stewart tshirt that she kept talking about. ><;
I also came to a horrible, horrible realization today. I know it in my mind to be a solid fact -- but it's going to take me a really fucking long time to admit it as a truth. >O;
Today I was talking to Alita and she was talking about being disatisfied with herself, and I said the only thing that I knew, and that was: "I do a pretty good job of just staying in my room and not letting anything or anyone else in. I don't read magazines, I don't read the newspaper, I don't watch television, and I don't let people judge me -- and I feel wonderful about myself."
I think that I might hate the entire world. I once said that I didn't believe in hate, and part of me still doesn't -- but it's coming on pretty damn strong right about now, and I don't think that I can ignore it.
Thadeus and I are trying to name our newly founded politcal party, but we haven't come up with a name for it yet --
does anyone else have any suggestions?
[x xxxx x xxxxx xx xxxx.]