(no subject)
it just became too much to bear anymore. for the entire span of our relationship i've carried a load full of bullshit because i'd do anything for her. but my back just gave out. i couldnt keep supporting both of our weight anymore. since my last real post i've felt more love than i've ever felt to/from the gal on my brithday, we broke up and got back together twice in the span of a day and now, finally i ended things for good. all those other times when we'd have some big blow out and we'd come back, things would be better than ever for awhile. it sucks that then i didnt see the things i see now. this last time, i was expecting things to be like that and goddamnit, i was gonna capitalize on it. i was going to use that time to show her what we were really all about. but nothing changed. it turned out the first night i just talked her back into things and within the confines of a day she already doubted her decsion to come back. but me being mr. words, the great negotiator, said enough of the right things for her to come back for the second night in a row. we agreed on clean slates. so the next day comes and i didnt like how things were at all. if thats the slate she would've handed me when we met, i never would've been into her. and i wasnt into those last few days at all. she wasnt receptive to my attempts at conversation, she made no effort to see me and never really gave me any assurance that she wanted to be back with me. she treated the most critical time like just another couple of days. thats not how it works. so i thought that i'd try to make this new slate as clean as possible and lay some groundwork for how things should be. i dont think i should be all but ignored and not even projected any time together. maybe it was just circumstances or maybe its been circumstances the whole time and this was just the latest issue of them. so things were like they were and i didnt like it. when asked if she wanted to see me on wednesday, she replied "i dont care" and i had to weasel my way into an hour of her time last night. an hour of talk about our respective jobs, emotional evasiveness, no real conversation and of course her fucking random noises and faces. i was starting to see how things were. and i didnt like it. i think it was when i had to beg for a real kiss that i realized i'd be doing the same thing in different situations for as long as she'd keep me around. thats not a real relationship. i cant keep doing all the work and exerting all the effort while she just sits back and reaps all the benefits of it. that shit is not fair. as happy as she makes me sometimes and as much as i want to beleive that she'd do whatever it takes to be with me, i could no longer see past the person who doesnt care enough to work a little for all the happiness in the world.
i wish she would've just let me go last november.
i wish i would've taken her word for it when she said she didnt do relationships.
i wish she never would've showed me that she could.
i wish the last mixtape i made her didnt come at the time it did.
i wish she wasnt so selfish.
i wish i would've seen through her.
i wish she could see past the present and live for the greater good.
i wish things didnt have to come to this.
and most of all i wish i still had her.
i gave and gave and gave and gave. and what did i get? the mortar between the bricks, the leftovers, the minimum balance to keep the account open, the oil change thats 3,000 miles overdue and alot of checks her intentions wrote, but her heart couldnt cash. there's only so long you can drive on that last bit of gas before it simply runs out. i just couldnt do it anymore. i tried everything i could to make things work. tried and tried and tried. and what did i get out of it? some love and alot of frustration. but like braid says, sometimes gorgeous can be frustration. when things were good--when i was inside those few hours a week, that one night every couple of months she'd stay over--i never felt closer to a girl, i felt like all the bullshit was worth it and i kept on believing. so the summer came and went and now i had to deal with her going to school, having a job and 100 other things that kept me from seeing her in any healthy amount. but i kpet trying to make things as best they could be, but she wasnt into it. she wasnt willing to do what it took. and i just kept looking at the good and kept believing...kidding myself the whole time. then the time became less and less and i felt more taken for granted with every passing day. i was expected to be 100% good to her, not see her much and be ok with it. that shit was so hard for me to do without saying something. not to mention that for so long i never said anything about anything...and what did she do in that span of time, whatever the fuck she wanted. this whole relationship was on her terms and when i attempted to interject an expectation or a need, i was the dick for it. that shit is not how a real realtionship works. a few months ago someone told me that if she were to make it past the bullshit relationships, i needed to be the one who showed her what that was. and i took that to heart. i tried to be as good as i possibly could and instill those things upon her, but she just ate it up and never gave back in any kind of equal amount. it was just me giving and her taking. and what happens when i try to stand up for myself and finally expect something more than leftovers and minimal effort? things blow up. if she's wasnt getting her way, things werent good. if i wasnt giving my usual 100% without any expectation of her, then she shut the fuck down and didnt give me anything. sure she stayed on the phone and let me talk till i was blue in the face, but where was her rebutal...where was her offering for resolve...where was her attempt to make things affable at the very least? it was rarely there. very rarely there. and what is all this? gal bashing? no, these are all the things i've thought about for so fucking long but never had it in be to express fully. i dont have anything left to loose. i dont have to worry about making things weird for the next few days or the next time i see her. because its fucking over. i couldnt keep kidding myself into believe she wanted to be with me.
i want to be with her, but i never want to see her again.
i want her to realize the error of her ways, but i dont want it to be with some fucking idiot who doesnt appreciate her.
i want to just bypass the month plus of lonliness, regret and i hate you mixtapes and just start living again.
i want to believe i did all i possibly could without selling myself short.
i think right now is the time where i make the decsion to either sulk and let this kill me or just lay it all out and see that i did what was right. i dont want to be with anyone who doesnt want to be with me. i dont want to be with anyone who's not willing to give as much as they take. and i dont want be with her bullshit anymore. this is the right thing to do...shit, it has been since last year.
the mixtapes i make her usually follow the heart heart hurt format. about 70% love and 30% how i feel when i realize the above things. The last one i made her was 99% pure heart. Coincidentally when i finished it, she was already gone. And i knew it enough to start working on the epilouge...all the hurt that the bottom of my heart knew was to come. i worked on it some tonight and some of that shit rang too fucking true and i couldnt even bear it anymore. i'm going for the thraot on this one.
i wish she would've just let me go last november.
i wish i would've taken her word for it when she said she didnt do relationships.
i wish she never would've showed me that she could.
i wish the last mixtape i made her didnt come at the time it did.
i wish she wasnt so selfish.
i wish i would've seen through her.
i wish she could see past the present and live for the greater good.
i wish things didnt have to come to this.
and most of all i wish i still had her.
i gave and gave and gave and gave. and what did i get? the mortar between the bricks, the leftovers, the minimum balance to keep the account open, the oil change thats 3,000 miles overdue and alot of checks her intentions wrote, but her heart couldnt cash. there's only so long you can drive on that last bit of gas before it simply runs out. i just couldnt do it anymore. i tried everything i could to make things work. tried and tried and tried. and what did i get out of it? some love and alot of frustration. but like braid says, sometimes gorgeous can be frustration. when things were good--when i was inside those few hours a week, that one night every couple of months she'd stay over--i never felt closer to a girl, i felt like all the bullshit was worth it and i kept on believing. so the summer came and went and now i had to deal with her going to school, having a job and 100 other things that kept me from seeing her in any healthy amount. but i kpet trying to make things as best they could be, but she wasnt into it. she wasnt willing to do what it took. and i just kept looking at the good and kept believing...kidding myself the whole time. then the time became less and less and i felt more taken for granted with every passing day. i was expected to be 100% good to her, not see her much and be ok with it. that shit was so hard for me to do without saying something. not to mention that for so long i never said anything about anything...and what did she do in that span of time, whatever the fuck she wanted. this whole relationship was on her terms and when i attempted to interject an expectation or a need, i was the dick for it. that shit is not how a real realtionship works. a few months ago someone told me that if she were to make it past the bullshit relationships, i needed to be the one who showed her what that was. and i took that to heart. i tried to be as good as i possibly could and instill those things upon her, but she just ate it up and never gave back in any kind of equal amount. it was just me giving and her taking. and what happens when i try to stand up for myself and finally expect something more than leftovers and minimal effort? things blow up. if she's wasnt getting her way, things werent good. if i wasnt giving my usual 100% without any expectation of her, then she shut the fuck down and didnt give me anything. sure she stayed on the phone and let me talk till i was blue in the face, but where was her rebutal...where was her offering for resolve...where was her attempt to make things affable at the very least? it was rarely there. very rarely there. and what is all this? gal bashing? no, these are all the things i've thought about for so fucking long but never had it in be to express fully. i dont have anything left to loose. i dont have to worry about making things weird for the next few days or the next time i see her. because its fucking over. i couldnt keep kidding myself into believe she wanted to be with me.
i want to be with her, but i never want to see her again.
i want her to realize the error of her ways, but i dont want it to be with some fucking idiot who doesnt appreciate her.
i want to just bypass the month plus of lonliness, regret and i hate you mixtapes and just start living again.
i want to believe i did all i possibly could without selling myself short.
i think right now is the time where i make the decsion to either sulk and let this kill me or just lay it all out and see that i did what was right. i dont want to be with anyone who doesnt want to be with me. i dont want to be with anyone who's not willing to give as much as they take. and i dont want be with her bullshit anymore. this is the right thing to do...shit, it has been since last year.
the mixtapes i make her usually follow the heart heart hurt format. about 70% love and 30% how i feel when i realize the above things. The last one i made her was 99% pure heart. Coincidentally when i finished it, she was already gone. And i knew it enough to start working on the epilouge...all the hurt that the bottom of my heart knew was to come. i worked on it some tonight and some of that shit rang too fucking true and i couldnt even bear it anymore. i'm going for the thraot on this one.