A Concious Effort
I'm not much of "explain Jessica's life, her hurts, her worries, what makes her happy, and what her dreams and goals are" kinda livejournal person.. but tis the last day of the year, I believe some recapping won't hurt. This isn't really gonna benefit anyone except myself.. so no need to read if you're short on time or anything. Here it goes..
This year, much like one would say every December 31st, has been like none other. I remember yesterday, I was walking out of the office telling everyone to have a happy new year, and that I would see them again in 2004, at least it felt like yesterday. We talked about inviting him to hang out with my youth group for the new year, and joked about church people not accepting bad boys like him. I weakly fought the statement.. with enough time and enough effort, I would of debated it to every detail of the church. I knew where I stood, I knew what I believed, I thought I knew God. I gave no thought to what the new year would bring. Another death in the family or two, my brother's first serious encounter with the emergency room, a change of thought, a change of view, love?.. who would of thought? I didn't think enough about what I feared to say that I had any. I had plans to become a missionary to somewhere far away.. Africa, South America? Every night ended with a prayer, most prayers proceeded by an open Bible.
The clock struck midnight, one book closed at the exact moment that a new one opened.. and I began unconciously writing. I titled 2003's, A Year Well Lived, No Regrets, I assumed 2004's would later become Volume 2. It took a while for me to accidently break my new years resolution.. I found much later into the year, that telling the truth become a concious effort.. and looking back, I realized that the "Jessica is such a sweet girl" comments slowly dissolved into no recognition.. and I truthfully believe I've hurt my mom more this past year than ever before in my whole 16 years of existence. As I'm writing the last chapter of the book graciously provided to me at the beginning this year, I'm switching the title around a bit. 2003's- No Regrets, A Year Well Lived. 2004's will soon become- No Regrets, A Year Well Explored.
I thought about a new year's resolution for 2005.. but decided against it. Why create something to aid in the dissapointment of myself? Maybe even this would be considered my new years resolution.. I hope that in 2005 I will see an honest heart, a more independent person, and jumping in a different pair of shoes for a second, I hope that if I ever met me in any circumstance, I would meet someone that I instantly knew cared.
Who do I currently see in me? I see a person that is easily frusterated but not easily angered. I see a person that's aware that they are lost, yet sits down instead of finding the truth. I see a person that hates breaking hearts, yet softly refuses to touch the ones I've already broken. For what exactly, I'm not sure yet.. but I'm feeling the need to apologize. So to you, I'm sorry.
As I also wish for myself.. I hope that you all have the best New Year.
This year, much like one would say every December 31st, has been like none other. I remember yesterday, I was walking out of the office telling everyone to have a happy new year, and that I would see them again in 2004, at least it felt like yesterday. We talked about inviting him to hang out with my youth group for the new year, and joked about church people not accepting bad boys like him. I weakly fought the statement.. with enough time and enough effort, I would of debated it to every detail of the church. I knew where I stood, I knew what I believed, I thought I knew God. I gave no thought to what the new year would bring. Another death in the family or two, my brother's first serious encounter with the emergency room, a change of thought, a change of view, love?.. who would of thought? I didn't think enough about what I feared to say that I had any. I had plans to become a missionary to somewhere far away.. Africa, South America? Every night ended with a prayer, most prayers proceeded by an open Bible.
The clock struck midnight, one book closed at the exact moment that a new one opened.. and I began unconciously writing. I titled 2003's, A Year Well Lived, No Regrets, I assumed 2004's would later become Volume 2. It took a while for me to accidently break my new years resolution.. I found much later into the year, that telling the truth become a concious effort.. and looking back, I realized that the "Jessica is such a sweet girl" comments slowly dissolved into no recognition.. and I truthfully believe I've hurt my mom more this past year than ever before in my whole 16 years of existence. As I'm writing the last chapter of the book graciously provided to me at the beginning this year, I'm switching the title around a bit. 2003's- No Regrets, A Year Well Lived. 2004's will soon become- No Regrets, A Year Well Explored.
I thought about a new year's resolution for 2005.. but decided against it. Why create something to aid in the dissapointment of myself? Maybe even this would be considered my new years resolution.. I hope that in 2005 I will see an honest heart, a more independent person, and jumping in a different pair of shoes for a second, I hope that if I ever met me in any circumstance, I would meet someone that I instantly knew cared.
Who do I currently see in me? I see a person that is easily frusterated but not easily angered. I see a person that's aware that they are lost, yet sits down instead of finding the truth. I see a person that hates breaking hearts, yet softly refuses to touch the ones I've already broken. For what exactly, I'm not sure yet.. but I'm feeling the need to apologize. So to you, I'm sorry.
As I also wish for myself.. I hope that you all have the best New Year.