entry 37 - spn
Sam Winchester didn’t know how to feel about his feelings right now. He knew what he was feeling (jealousy) and he knew why he was feeling them (stupid, freaking angel of the lord, Castiel) - he just didn’t know why he was feeling them with such a vengeance (lies!). Really, he didn’t (more lies!). Okay, so, maybe Sam did know why he was feeling jealous over Castiel, but it isn’t like he’d ever admit it (at least, not out loud, even to himself). And maybe, Sam hated the fact that he was feeling like this with a pinch of self-loathing and confusion. Why would he possibly feel threatened about Castiel, all things he knows (because of Dean). And Sam can’t help but sigh at that thought, because it is true. He’s jealous of Castiel, feels threatened by Castiel because he knows he was in hell for a long time, and even though his body was back, his soul wasn’t, and there was no way in hell (literally, obviously) that Dean would have sex with Sam when he had no soul. Sam knew he was jealous because there Castiel was, riding shotgun beside Dean, in the impala, when that was Sam’s place. There he was, calling out Dean’s name in anguish when Dean has pain inflicted upon him, when that was what Sam did. There he was, having Dean say dirty things about him, when Dean used to do that with Sam. There Castiel fucking was, touching Dean like everything was alright, when Sam was the only person who could do that.
Currently, Sam is sitting in the front seat of the impala (which is fucking right, thank you!), his body tense and rigid, and his mind going over a million reasons why he shouldn’t be jealous but totally is. Beside him is Dean, in the driver’s seat, humming along to a song of Metallica’s his mind entirely on the road. Without even looking at Dean, Sam knows that his older brother spares him glances, wondering why he’s so quiet at this point in time, when he hasn’t stopped talking at all since he came back. Sam wants to return his brother’s gaze, wants to be able to touch his brother and not feel bad about it, but he feels like he’d be corrupting a love that no longer belongs to him. He opens his mouth a few times, before closing it with a snap, sighing and looking out the window, his forehead against the glass. He knows that Dean might have an inkling of why he’s acting this way, knows that Dean is afraid of admitting something that may or may not be there, and Sam, if anything, is more afraid that if Dean realizes that something is there, he’ll be left alone to wallow in his jealousy while watching them together, forever. He goes to sigh, goes to squirm inside his body more than anything, feeling so uncomfortable in it that he lets out a small whimper. Next thing he knows, the car is being pulled over onto the grass, and Sam can’t help but flinch.
“Sam, what’s going on?” Dean growls, turning his body to look at him with his eyes scrunched up in confusion. Sam can’t help but bite his lip, turning his head away from his brother’s sight and can feel his body trembling. Next thing he knows, he’s pushing the door open, falling out of the car, running away from it all. He hasn’t gone far before he stops, falling to the ground so he’d be facing Dean, waiting for his older brother to come in his view. When Dean finally does, Sam goes back to the tell-tale sign of something on his mind by picking his jeans and looking down, biting his lip at the same time.
“Sam, what’s ---“
“I get jealous,” Sam interrupts quickly, wanting to get this done and over with, having bottled his emotions up for such a long time already. His eyes are kind of wide at this point, while his brother’s are scrunched in confusion, no doubt wondering why Sam would be jealous of anything.
“Why?”
“It’s just... ever since I’ve come back, I feel like you’re with that stupid freaking angel more than anything.” He could see Dean’s amusement at him, his eyes now bright with humour and laughter in his face.
“And of course, there was that butt line and then there was Castiel calling out your name when you were bitten, even though that’s my job. There’s just so many reasons why -“ Sam found himself rambling, biting his lip to stop himself from going on any further and embarrassing himself in front of his brother.
“Sammy, Castiel is---“
“Castiel is your true love, your angel of the lord, the angel that’s in love with you and you’re in love with him.” Sam interrupted bitterly, his eyes widening in shock before he quickly got up and started pacing.
“And of course, now you’re going to leave me for him because hello, I made you into a vampire, and I’ve lied to you over and over again and Castiel has been there for you the whole time I was --- oomph!” Sam got cut off by Dean putting his lips on Sam’s. Dean’s lips were smooth but dry, and when his tongue brushes against his lips, Sam willingly opens his mouth, putting his hands on his brother’s neck, caressing it like he knows Dean enjoys.
All too soon, the kiss is ended and Dean breaks away from Sam, with Sam whimpering and trying to follow Dean to continue kissing.
“Sammy, wait.” Sam stops suddenly, looking at Dean curiously, before stepping back and crossing his arms.
“Sam, no matter how much I’m friends with Castiel, it’s always going to be you, ok?” Sam nods his head, looking down after doing so, and he soon hears Dean sigh, before he can feel Dean tilting his chin up.
“I love Castiel -“ Sam’s eyes go wide and he tries to step back, but Dean is holding him in place.
“-I love Castiel, but I love him like a brother. You, I also love like a brother, except, I love you way more than a brother at the same time. I love the way your ticklish behind your legs, love the way your body quivers when I touch it in certain places.” At that, Dean touches him and Sam’s body betrays him before Dean goes in to kiss him one more time. The kiss is heated, intense, and hard and Sam can feel the line of Dean’s groin pressing against him. Sam presses Dean back against the car, fumbling around for the door, unbuckling their pants before entering.
It’s quick, dirty, everything Sam needs. When it’s over, the duo lays on the bed panting, Sam being caressed by Dean.
“It’s always going to be you, Sammy. Always.”