BEST LJ COMMUNITY OF ALL TIME
you guys, I have found the most hilarious thing EVER. Look, look! It's kinkfreezone! A place for fic that has NO KINK IN IT WHATSOEVER.
at first I was like, headtilt, okay, I can see someone who doesn't like certain kinds of kink fic wanting to make a space for that . . . because, uh, non-kink fic is so discriminated against in fandom . . . and then I read the absolutely amazing list of kinks that are NOT ALLOWED, and I laughed and laughed and laughed.
some of my favourites include:
* Anal penetration with foreign objects (vaginal, oral, aural, urethral, or nasal penetration with foreign objects: apparently okay? JUST PROTECT THE ASS FROM DILDOS YOU GUYS)
* Bottoming (in a D/s type scenario where you are making it obvious that you place character A always in the submissive/bottoming position) (you must not like being penetrated any more or less than penetrating! all penetration must be equal! I am not sure what this means for het fic.)
* Crossovers (sex between characters played by same actor) (ahahahahahha)
* Dildos (dildo gags; harnesses; strap-ons; ritual phalluses) (but WHENCE THE LESBIANS? and wtf, ritual phalluses? I have to wonder which fandom these kinks are based on.)
* Discomfort during sex (if you TRULY LOVE SOMEONE, you never accidentally lean on their hair during sex. Because that would be kinky! IDEK)
* Exoticism (fetishization of Far Eastern culture and aesthetics, which may be adapted and generalized for fictional worlds; e.g., harems and harem culture; veils; silk clothes; Turkish baths; pleasure pavilions; royal courts; lush gardens; island paradises; opium dens; casbahs and bazaars; tents; imperial royal figures such as sheikhs or sultans; köçek troupes; court figures such as dancers and storytellers; floor pillows; furs or skins as rugs or bedding; feasts; tapestries; Persian rugs; oil lamps; wild animals as pets; opulence, decadence, and sensuality in general) (innnnnteresting. What if I want to write fic that, like, takes place in the Far East, among its cultures and aesthetics? I also have to lol at "feasts" "opulence," "decadence" and "sensuality in general." NO SENSUALITY! All sex should contain as little sensuality as possible! If possible please do it on a burlap sack after fasting for three days. PS no fic about Oscar Wilde and late-nineteenth century literary movements allowed EITHER.)
* Exposure (with or without eroticism; feeling physically exposed, such as with legs open; a woman's shirt being opened to expose her breasts; characters being forced to undress in public; someone opening a door on people having sex) (that's right, comedies of errors, I'm looking at you! No French farce!)
* Gender themes (gender confusion; sex changes; genderfucks; hermaphrodites; cross-dressing or other forms of genderbending; drag queens and transvestites; androgyny; forced feminization; butch/femme; tomboys) (uh, I think you'll find that many of those are in fact identity categories. You heard it here first for the eight millionth time, transgender and genderqueer folks: anything you do is automatically kinky! And imagining presumed-cisgender characters as potentially transgender? Is ttly different than imagining presumed-straight characters to be gay. fyi.)
* Healing or comfort sex (post-rape or abuse; affirming life in the midst of death; captives turning to one another for comfort; one character soothing another who is deeply upset or fearful) (ONLY HAVE SEX WHEN ALREADY HAPPY!)
* Multiple partners (sequential/serial sexual encounters; orgies, gang-bangs, or group sex; puppy-pile cuddling; see also Sexual appetite or excess) (I personally cannot stand how all those puppy-pile cuddling kink fics TAKE OVER fandoms when all I want are nice normal nonkinky stories!)
* Nipple play or torture (touch me only in my designated genital zone, and let's get this sex over with as little foreplay as possible!)
* Orientation issues (confusion; discovery and coming out; self-hatred; two-beer queers; homosexual panic) (again I say innnnnnteresting. I don't deny that this is totally a kink in fandom, just like orientalist exoticization is, but I didn't expect to see it called out as such! Jeez, take away fandom's homosexual panic themes and what's LEFT? Also I guess if you're going to have the gay sex, you'd better have already done it before and come to a conclusion about your own sexuality and told everyone about it already! offscreen! before this story starts!)
* Sandwich sexual position or chain fuck (threesome) (sadface!)
* Virgins or inexperienced partners (okay, I guess all your characters had to lose their virginity SOMETIME, but for god's sake don't make me look at it! offscreen! before this story starts!)
* Voice fetishization (cracking or broken; husky, low, throaty; purring; accents; whispering close to someone's ear) ("yes, that is pleasant. Oh baby. Please continue the stimulation of my non-nippular erogenous zones." Also if someone in your story is British or Indian or something, I better not know about it!)
* Voyeurism and vision themes (character A secretly watches B and C have sex; character A is forced to watch B and C have sex; character A watches character B perform/masturbate; viewing one's beloved in general; taking pictures or video; eye contact, especially as flirting; establishing authority with a look; closing eyes as a trust gesture; character A feeling that character B truly sees him, when no one else does; the quality of light, e.g., characters lit by moonlight or candlelight, or gilded by the setting sun; being in the dark; temporary or permanent blindness; gazes as objectification) (DON'T DESCRIBE THE LIGHT AT ALL OKAY IT'S TOO KINKY FOR ME TO HANDLE)
ahahahahahaha. These are so awesome. I just could read them over and over again.
I think this says it best:
eta: And we have achieved hilarious commentfic! Here's one by
daegaer: untitled frankfurter fic.
And here's one by
runpunkrun: The Totally True Story of Two Men About to Have Sex
eta2: Uh, just for the record, guys, I don't think it's cool to go and post parody stories on the kinkfreezone comm. I mean, if you think that's cool, then you can make decisions for yourself, but I don't think it's cool and I actively discourage it.
eta3: As
liviapenn pointed out, the mod of this comm actually selectively copy/pasted the items on this verboten list from eliade's big list of fannish kinks and cliches; please see this comment thread for more information on/discussion of that.
(click to comment at dw || there are
comments right now)
at first I was like, headtilt, okay, I can see someone who doesn't like certain kinds of kink fic wanting to make a space for that . . . because, uh, non-kink fic is so discriminated against in fandom . . . and then I read the absolutely amazing list of kinks that are NOT ALLOWED, and I laughed and laughed and laughed.
some of my favourites include:
* Anal penetration with foreign objects (vaginal, oral, aural, urethral, or nasal penetration with foreign objects: apparently okay? JUST PROTECT THE ASS FROM DILDOS YOU GUYS)
* Bottoming (in a D/s type scenario where you are making it obvious that you place character A always in the submissive/bottoming position) (you must not like being penetrated any more or less than penetrating! all penetration must be equal! I am not sure what this means for het fic.)
* Crossovers (sex between characters played by same actor) (ahahahahahha)
* Dildos (dildo gags; harnesses; strap-ons; ritual phalluses) (but WHENCE THE LESBIANS? and wtf, ritual phalluses? I have to wonder which fandom these kinks are based on.)
* Discomfort during sex (if you TRULY LOVE SOMEONE, you never accidentally lean on their hair during sex. Because that would be kinky! IDEK)
* Exoticism (fetishization of Far Eastern culture and aesthetics, which may be adapted and generalized for fictional worlds; e.g., harems and harem culture; veils; silk clothes; Turkish baths; pleasure pavilions; royal courts; lush gardens; island paradises; opium dens; casbahs and bazaars; tents; imperial royal figures such as sheikhs or sultans; köçek troupes; court figures such as dancers and storytellers; floor pillows; furs or skins as rugs or bedding; feasts; tapestries; Persian rugs; oil lamps; wild animals as pets; opulence, decadence, and sensuality in general) (innnnnteresting. What if I want to write fic that, like, takes place in the Far East, among its cultures and aesthetics? I also have to lol at "feasts" "opulence," "decadence" and "sensuality in general." NO SENSUALITY! All sex should contain as little sensuality as possible! If possible please do it on a burlap sack after fasting for three days. PS no fic about Oscar Wilde and late-nineteenth century literary movements allowed EITHER.)
* Exposure (with or without eroticism; feeling physically exposed, such as with legs open; a woman's shirt being opened to expose her breasts; characters being forced to undress in public; someone opening a door on people having sex) (that's right, comedies of errors, I'm looking at you! No French farce!)
* Gender themes (gender confusion; sex changes; genderfucks; hermaphrodites; cross-dressing or other forms of genderbending; drag queens and transvestites; androgyny; forced feminization; butch/femme; tomboys) (uh, I think you'll find that many of those are in fact identity categories. You heard it here first for the eight millionth time, transgender and genderqueer folks: anything you do is automatically kinky! And imagining presumed-cisgender characters as potentially transgender? Is ttly different than imagining presumed-straight characters to be gay. fyi.)
* Healing or comfort sex (post-rape or abuse; affirming life in the midst of death; captives turning to one another for comfort; one character soothing another who is deeply upset or fearful) (ONLY HAVE SEX WHEN ALREADY HAPPY!)
* Multiple partners (sequential/serial sexual encounters; orgies, gang-bangs, or group sex; puppy-pile cuddling; see also Sexual appetite or excess) (I personally cannot stand how all those puppy-pile cuddling kink fics TAKE OVER fandoms when all I want are nice normal nonkinky stories!)
* Nipple play or torture (touch me only in my designated genital zone, and let's get this sex over with as little foreplay as possible!)
* Orientation issues (confusion; discovery and coming out; self-hatred; two-beer queers; homosexual panic) (again I say innnnnnteresting. I don't deny that this is totally a kink in fandom, just like orientalist exoticization is, but I didn't expect to see it called out as such! Jeez, take away fandom's homosexual panic themes and what's LEFT? Also I guess if you're going to have the gay sex, you'd better have already done it before and come to a conclusion about your own sexuality and told everyone about it already! offscreen! before this story starts!)
* Sandwich sexual position or chain fuck (threesome) (sadface!)
* Virgins or inexperienced partners (okay, I guess all your characters had to lose their virginity SOMETIME, but for god's sake don't make me look at it! offscreen! before this story starts!)
* Voice fetishization (cracking or broken; husky, low, throaty; purring; accents; whispering close to someone's ear) ("yes, that is pleasant. Oh baby. Please continue the stimulation of my non-nippular erogenous zones." Also if someone in your story is British or Indian or something, I better not know about it!)
* Voyeurism and vision themes (character A secretly watches B and C have sex; character A is forced to watch B and C have sex; character A watches character B perform/masturbate; viewing one's beloved in general; taking pictures or video; eye contact, especially as flirting; establishing authority with a look; closing eyes as a trust gesture; character A feeling that character B truly sees him, when no one else does; the quality of light, e.g., characters lit by moonlight or candlelight, or gilded by the setting sun; being in the dark; temporary or permanent blindness; gazes as objectification) (DON'T DESCRIBE THE LIGHT AT ALL OKAY IT'S TOO KINKY FOR ME TO HANDLE)
ahahahahahaha. These are so awesome. I just could read them over and over again.
I think this says it best:
eta: And we have achieved hilarious commentfic! Here's one by
daegaer: untitled frankfurter fic.
And here's one by
runpunkrun: The Totally True Story of Two Men About to Have Sex
eta2: Uh, just for the record, guys, I don't think it's cool to go and post parody stories on the kinkfreezone comm. I mean, if you think that's cool, then you can make decisions for yourself, but I don't think it's cool and I actively discourage it.
eta3: As
liviapenn pointed out, the mod of this comm actually selectively copy/pasted the items on this verboten list from eliade's big list of fannish kinks and cliches; please see this comment thread for more information on/discussion of that.
(click to comment at dw || there are
comments right now)