sga fic
hey everyone! here's a little SGA thing that I wrote up. It's John/Rodney (because I'm predictable that way), spoiler-free, and very short.
for those who prefer to enjoy their fic on-the-go, Punchlines now comes in an audio version (permanent link, zipped .mp3 file, 8.3 MB, read by me).
Punchlines
An astrophysicist and a pilot walk into a bar. The bartender congratulates them on not being eaten by space-vampires and pours them each a hot glass of fermented carrot juice. Such is life in the Pegasus galaxy.
*
As they walk back to the jumper, Rodney tells dumb coworker stories. They’re like every other kind of dumb coworker story, except that instead of ending with “...then he pulled the water cooler down on himself” or “...but he didn’t see the boss standing behind him,” Rodney’s dumb coworker stories have punchlines like “pi.” Or sometimes “Aa:Ab: (a+Sb)=S(a+b).” John mostly doesn’t mind. His own dumb coworker stories generally end with a well-deserved but humorously placed flesh wound, but Rodney’s already heard or participated in most of those.
*
The thing is, entertainment is somewhat lacking on Atlantis, and no one thought to memorize Jack Benny routines before walking through a wormhole to another galaxy. Some people brought their favourites along, movies and cds and television shows that can be played on laptops or in the lounge, but after the first six months, almost everyone has seen almost everything that everyone else has. And everyone’s heard Zelenka’s joke about Fermat’s Little Theorem at least six times. At one point, John walked in on him trying to tell it to a group of stone-faced marines, but John had enough basic human decency to break in and order the marines elsewhere when the joke explanation reached the formulae-on-the-whiteboard stage.
*
So there’s a way in which John isn’t too surprised when he and Rodney start having sex after missions. On one hand, there’s precious little else to do during the intensely boring lulls that come between the moments of heart-stopping panic. And, on the other hand, John figures that the only possible response to a galaxy as ridiculous as Pegasus is something as ludicrous as him having a sexual relationship with Rodney McKay. Finding himself on the floor of a jumper, his pants around his ankles and his face in Rodney’s lap after having saved the universe from the Planet Where Everyone Wears Capes and Talks like They’re at a Ren Fair, John starts laughing, a little manic. Rodney looks down at him, where John’s head is pillowed next to Rodney’s now-softened cock, looks at the semen splattered on John’s chin, and starts to laugh with him. Rodney’s head falling back against the jumper floor sounds like a punchline.
*
“Two fermions walk into a bar,” Rodney begins, but then they get shot at and have to run for their lives. The people chasing them, unaccountably, keep shouting something that sounds suspiciously like “Lesbians!” except John can’t see why they would. Later, Rodney will say that he thinks they were shouting “Thespians!” but John figures it’s funny either way.
*
“Two fermions walk into a bar,” Rodney begins. “The first one says, ‘I’ll have a gin and tonic.’”
“I can’t believe you’re telling me lame physics jokes while I’m tied to a hogpen,” John scowls. Behind him, hogs keep snuffling at his hair in a slobbery alien hog sort of way. He hopes that the farmer will come back and untie them soon.
“What else are we going to do?” Rodney struggles fruitlessly and pointedly at the ropes that are tying him to the (lucky for him, hog-free) barn beam.
John sighs and is about to ask what the second fermion says when the farmer comes back. Teyla is behind him, holding a gun to his back and smiling that little smile that says that she’s taking a mental snapshot so that she can tell the Athosians funny-Earthling-stories later. John tries not to squirm around in the manure too much while she cuts them free.
*
“The funny thing is,” John says slowly, stealing a french fry from Rodney’s tray, “the funny thing is, sometimes I don’t know how we’ve made it this far.”
Rodney nods as if this isn’t a complete non-sequitur and speaks around a mouth full of french fries and ketchup. “I ran the odds on this being an intergalactic farce being played out by ascended Ancients who have no other source of amusement.”
John raises his eyebrows. “And?”
Rodney shrugs. “Less likely than predestination, more likely than Zelenka ever actually understanding any of my brilliant theories.”
“I am sitting right here,” Zelenka says irritably, and steals one of Rodney’s fries for himself.
*
There’s a planet with giant snake-things, and people don’t die, but it’s close. Rodney finds John and Elizabeth sitting silently on the balcony outside the conference room afterward. Rodney pulls up a piece of bench next to John.
“Two fermions walk into a bar,” Rodney begins, uncertain. He glances at John.
“The first one says, ‘I’ll have a gin and tonic,’” John replies. Rodney smiles at him.
“Right. And so the second one says, ‘Damn! That’s what I was going to have!’”
They can’t help it; it’s the silly joke and the long day and the puppy look on Rodney’s face that says I-did-good-didn’t-I. Elizabeth’s laugh is almost a cough at first, then she falls into helpless silent laughter and rests her head on John’s shoulder. John chuckles a bit, and squeezes Rodney’s forearm, and afterwards, can’t remember how to turn his smile back off. They sit there for a long time, the three of them. Elizabeth tells them about the time when she was twelve and her pet snake got stuck inside the couch springs and her dad had to cut it out, stuffing everywhere, reaching for bits of python, trying to find the head so that it wouldn’t bite him when he pulled it out. John responds with a story about his first dog, whose personality disorder compelled him to repeatedly attack his own back paws, and they trade funny pet stories until the chill night air drives them inside.
*
Late at night, when they’re both warm and drowsy in John’s too-small bed, when they’re wrapped around each other and John’s eyes keep drifting half-shut involuntarily, Rodney mumbles at him sleepily, and John almost doesn't hear what he says.
“You’re right. It is funny. That we’re here.”
John kisses him, and when he falls asleep, he's still smiling.
what's a fermion?
-
-
back to main fic page
for those who prefer to enjoy their fic on-the-go, Punchlines now comes in an audio version (permanent link, zipped .mp3 file, 8.3 MB, read by me).
Punchlines
An astrophysicist and a pilot walk into a bar. The bartender congratulates them on not being eaten by space-vampires and pours them each a hot glass of fermented carrot juice. Such is life in the Pegasus galaxy.
*
As they walk back to the jumper, Rodney tells dumb coworker stories. They’re like every other kind of dumb coworker story, except that instead of ending with “...then he pulled the water cooler down on himself” or “...but he didn’t see the boss standing behind him,” Rodney’s dumb coworker stories have punchlines like “pi.” Or sometimes “Aa:Ab: (a+Sb)=S(a+b).” John mostly doesn’t mind. His own dumb coworker stories generally end with a well-deserved but humorously placed flesh wound, but Rodney’s already heard or participated in most of those.
*
The thing is, entertainment is somewhat lacking on Atlantis, and no one thought to memorize Jack Benny routines before walking through a wormhole to another galaxy. Some people brought their favourites along, movies and cds and television shows that can be played on laptops or in the lounge, but after the first six months, almost everyone has seen almost everything that everyone else has. And everyone’s heard Zelenka’s joke about Fermat’s Little Theorem at least six times. At one point, John walked in on him trying to tell it to a group of stone-faced marines, but John had enough basic human decency to break in and order the marines elsewhere when the joke explanation reached the formulae-on-the-whiteboard stage.
*
So there’s a way in which John isn’t too surprised when he and Rodney start having sex after missions. On one hand, there’s precious little else to do during the intensely boring lulls that come between the moments of heart-stopping panic. And, on the other hand, John figures that the only possible response to a galaxy as ridiculous as Pegasus is something as ludicrous as him having a sexual relationship with Rodney McKay. Finding himself on the floor of a jumper, his pants around his ankles and his face in Rodney’s lap after having saved the universe from the Planet Where Everyone Wears Capes and Talks like They’re at a Ren Fair, John starts laughing, a little manic. Rodney looks down at him, where John’s head is pillowed next to Rodney’s now-softened cock, looks at the semen splattered on John’s chin, and starts to laugh with him. Rodney’s head falling back against the jumper floor sounds like a punchline.
*
“Two fermions walk into a bar,” Rodney begins, but then they get shot at and have to run for their lives. The people chasing them, unaccountably, keep shouting something that sounds suspiciously like “Lesbians!” except John can’t see why they would. Later, Rodney will say that he thinks they were shouting “Thespians!” but John figures it’s funny either way.
*
“Two fermions walk into a bar,” Rodney begins. “The first one says, ‘I’ll have a gin and tonic.’”
“I can’t believe you’re telling me lame physics jokes while I’m tied to a hogpen,” John scowls. Behind him, hogs keep snuffling at his hair in a slobbery alien hog sort of way. He hopes that the farmer will come back and untie them soon.
“What else are we going to do?” Rodney struggles fruitlessly and pointedly at the ropes that are tying him to the (lucky for him, hog-free) barn beam.
John sighs and is about to ask what the second fermion says when the farmer comes back. Teyla is behind him, holding a gun to his back and smiling that little smile that says that she’s taking a mental snapshot so that she can tell the Athosians funny-Earthling-stories later. John tries not to squirm around in the manure too much while she cuts them free.
*
“The funny thing is,” John says slowly, stealing a french fry from Rodney’s tray, “the funny thing is, sometimes I don’t know how we’ve made it this far.”
Rodney nods as if this isn’t a complete non-sequitur and speaks around a mouth full of french fries and ketchup. “I ran the odds on this being an intergalactic farce being played out by ascended Ancients who have no other source of amusement.”
John raises his eyebrows. “And?”
Rodney shrugs. “Less likely than predestination, more likely than Zelenka ever actually understanding any of my brilliant theories.”
“I am sitting right here,” Zelenka says irritably, and steals one of Rodney’s fries for himself.
*
There’s a planet with giant snake-things, and people don’t die, but it’s close. Rodney finds John and Elizabeth sitting silently on the balcony outside the conference room afterward. Rodney pulls up a piece of bench next to John.
“Two fermions walk into a bar,” Rodney begins, uncertain. He glances at John.
“The first one says, ‘I’ll have a gin and tonic,’” John replies. Rodney smiles at him.
“Right. And so the second one says, ‘Damn! That’s what I was going to have!’”
They can’t help it; it’s the silly joke and the long day and the puppy look on Rodney’s face that says I-did-good-didn’t-I. Elizabeth’s laugh is almost a cough at first, then she falls into helpless silent laughter and rests her head on John’s shoulder. John chuckles a bit, and squeezes Rodney’s forearm, and afterwards, can’t remember how to turn his smile back off. They sit there for a long time, the three of them. Elizabeth tells them about the time when she was twelve and her pet snake got stuck inside the couch springs and her dad had to cut it out, stuffing everywhere, reaching for bits of python, trying to find the head so that it wouldn’t bite him when he pulled it out. John responds with a story about his first dog, whose personality disorder compelled him to repeatedly attack his own back paws, and they trade funny pet stories until the chill night air drives them inside.
*
Late at night, when they’re both warm and drowsy in John’s too-small bed, when they’re wrapped around each other and John’s eyes keep drifting half-shut involuntarily, Rodney mumbles at him sleepily, and John almost doesn't hear what he says.
“You’re right. It is funny. That we’re here.”
John kisses him, and when he falls asleep, he's still smiling.
what's a fermion?
-
-
back to main fic page