(no subject)
so the theme of this year i guess?
i dont make an impression.
as much of a self pity entry they may sound its not. its called truth.
people always downplay how much they care about what people think of them, when the truth is, its what this world runs on. by some logic, this world is run by leaders, who run politics, where everything is based on image, which is in fact determined by others.
as much as people claim they love me, as much as people claim they want to hang out with me or be closer to me its not true. i dont make an impression on people. people always end up turning to someone else. people always end up preferring someone else. its happened since elementary school, middle school. people forget about me, people kind of pass me by, and i'm the kind of person that you won't remember in twenty years. my math teacher always talks about how he forgets a lot of people's names, and i know i will be one of those people. i'm not on people's favorite lists, i'm not one of the top ten people they want to hang out with, goddamnit last year when we were playing psychiatrist and we all had to imitate the person to our left danny couldn't think of anything for me. to no fault of his own. i'm just that uninteresting. like in mrs. o'neill's class. i just wasn't enough to make an impression, to get it on one of her questions. at parties, people don't miss me. i'm not known or notorious for anything. people use the same three adjectives to describe me. i dont any have sort of personality quirks to be noted, and i'm not out there enough or smart enough or wear enough makeup to be respected for it.
its something that kept coming up throughout this year.
i've had great memories, sure.
but this feeling of insignificance came up over and over again, and whats worse, is that i had no way to control it. it was because of other people's preconcieved notions. it was in all realmsof my life. like forensics. i broke at states, and people didn't particularly care. in drama. the only time i was noticed is when mr. giblin gave me crap for going to states instead of coming to dress rehearsal. and even in IS, as much as i love those people. i'm overlooked.
so the question is, what do i do about it?
what can i do about it?
if people have already set impressions of what they think of me, then who am i to go out and change it? people give first impressions less credit than they actually represent. i may try, and i have, but people seem to want to stifle my change. i consider myself grown and a differnet person, but people don't really need to see that. they don't care enough to try to want to see it.
so instead of recapping this year, which has been of highs and lows and all that good stuff, i'm making goals for next year. next year will, in fact, be different. i'm not going to wait for change. gandhi said it, nike says it.
is it any wonder i feel afraid?
is it any wonder i feel betrayed?
i finally have gotten past the first impressions, and figured out who my real friends are.
i dont make an impression.
as much of a self pity entry they may sound its not. its called truth.
people always downplay how much they care about what people think of them, when the truth is, its what this world runs on. by some logic, this world is run by leaders, who run politics, where everything is based on image, which is in fact determined by others.
as much as people claim they love me, as much as people claim they want to hang out with me or be closer to me its not true. i dont make an impression on people. people always end up turning to someone else. people always end up preferring someone else. its happened since elementary school, middle school. people forget about me, people kind of pass me by, and i'm the kind of person that you won't remember in twenty years. my math teacher always talks about how he forgets a lot of people's names, and i know i will be one of those people. i'm not on people's favorite lists, i'm not one of the top ten people they want to hang out with, goddamnit last year when we were playing psychiatrist and we all had to imitate the person to our left danny couldn't think of anything for me. to no fault of his own. i'm just that uninteresting. like in mrs. o'neill's class. i just wasn't enough to make an impression, to get it on one of her questions. at parties, people don't miss me. i'm not known or notorious for anything. people use the same three adjectives to describe me. i dont any have sort of personality quirks to be noted, and i'm not out there enough or smart enough or wear enough makeup to be respected for it.
its something that kept coming up throughout this year.
i've had great memories, sure.
but this feeling of insignificance came up over and over again, and whats worse, is that i had no way to control it. it was because of other people's preconcieved notions. it was in all realmsof my life. like forensics. i broke at states, and people didn't particularly care. in drama. the only time i was noticed is when mr. giblin gave me crap for going to states instead of coming to dress rehearsal. and even in IS, as much as i love those people. i'm overlooked.
so the question is, what do i do about it?
what can i do about it?
if people have already set impressions of what they think of me, then who am i to go out and change it? people give first impressions less credit than they actually represent. i may try, and i have, but people seem to want to stifle my change. i consider myself grown and a differnet person, but people don't really need to see that. they don't care enough to try to want to see it.
so instead of recapping this year, which has been of highs and lows and all that good stuff, i'm making goals for next year. next year will, in fact, be different. i'm not going to wait for change. gandhi said it, nike says it.
is it any wonder i feel afraid?
is it any wonder i feel betrayed?
i finally have gotten past the first impressions, and figured out who my real friends are.