(no subject)
It's been nearly two years since I've posted on LJ. I'm fairly confident no one will read this, which I'm a-okay with. I don't think people ever read my LJ when it was started for me back in high school.
Frankly, I don't know why I'm posting this. I think I'm supposed to express my feelings or something through this thing. I probably should, I'm just getting off an emotional roller coaster.
So, the news says we won the war in iraq. Funny, why am I still here? We're at the threshold of month thirteen, with still one and change left and not even an official redeployment date. I haven't seen my wife since 8 December of 2007. It was shitty timing for leave. I should make the list this month for sergeant. Funny, I don't feel like a non-commissioned officer, a professional, or a leader... which is the three things I'm supposed to be according to the NCO creed.
You know, I came to Iraq thinking this would be a passage to manhood. I walked into a couple of firefights and did and saw things I don't wish on anybody. In all the books and movies a survivor walks away with a new take on life, like he's now in tune with his inner-zen. I'm walking away, and I don't feel any more of a man, or feel like I have life figured out one bit. Lately, I feel like that lost kid hidden in his shell I used to be all those years ago back in the beginning of high school. I have good things in life, great ones actually -- a loving wife and a pretty awesome German shepard, which I'm looking forward to going home to. But after a fifteen month deployment, I suppose I've earned the right to step back and ask myself what I've accomplished so far.
Are we winning the war? Sure, I think so. Politics is not my forte', in fact, I loathe even thinking about them, and that is not the intent of my rambling here. But what did I accomplish? Me, as a person. Not as a soldier, but as a human being. I think I've almost taken a step backwards in maturity, not forward. Dawn thinks that I have a fear of rejection, of being accepted back into society. Maybe that's the case. But I've just felt terrible lately. I don't feel like I've won anything at all. This was probably the hardest thing I ever went through in life. Finally, the end is in sight, and I can hardly believe it at all. I'm not afraid of going back, but I'm still deathly afraid of things being different. I'm sure things will fall back into place just fine, though. My wife will take care of me, and my dog will lick me in the morning until I wake up to let him outside so Dawn doesn't have to get up. I hate making her get up. I'd do anything for her. Why should I be afraid of going back to that?
I tried to write a book about some of the exploits this unit has done through my point of view. But I'm a cynical bastard, and it was really more about how incredibly incompetent the majority of leadership was. My effort failed miserably. I can't finish it. Look at that, I started something I can't finish. That's another story of my life.
I've come a long way from high school, which I spent the majority of my night reading old entries about. But stepping back and taking a look at myself right now, I don't feel like I've grown up at all, but this place will always leave a huge print in me. I'm pretty damn sure I'll be answering the phone as "this is red six romeo" for a long time when I get back. Old habits die hard.
I think I'm a little too young to be reflecting on life, anyway. Besides, I still have a month and a half to go, it's not over yet.
Frankly, I don't know why I'm posting this. I think I'm supposed to express my feelings or something through this thing. I probably should, I'm just getting off an emotional roller coaster.
So, the news says we won the war in iraq. Funny, why am I still here? We're at the threshold of month thirteen, with still one and change left and not even an official redeployment date. I haven't seen my wife since 8 December of 2007. It was shitty timing for leave. I should make the list this month for sergeant. Funny, I don't feel like a non-commissioned officer, a professional, or a leader... which is the three things I'm supposed to be according to the NCO creed.
You know, I came to Iraq thinking this would be a passage to manhood. I walked into a couple of firefights and did and saw things I don't wish on anybody. In all the books and movies a survivor walks away with a new take on life, like he's now in tune with his inner-zen. I'm walking away, and I don't feel any more of a man, or feel like I have life figured out one bit. Lately, I feel like that lost kid hidden in his shell I used to be all those years ago back in the beginning of high school. I have good things in life, great ones actually -- a loving wife and a pretty awesome German shepard, which I'm looking forward to going home to. But after a fifteen month deployment, I suppose I've earned the right to step back and ask myself what I've accomplished so far.
Are we winning the war? Sure, I think so. Politics is not my forte', in fact, I loathe even thinking about them, and that is not the intent of my rambling here. But what did I accomplish? Me, as a person. Not as a soldier, but as a human being. I think I've almost taken a step backwards in maturity, not forward. Dawn thinks that I have a fear of rejection, of being accepted back into society. Maybe that's the case. But I've just felt terrible lately. I don't feel like I've won anything at all. This was probably the hardest thing I ever went through in life. Finally, the end is in sight, and I can hardly believe it at all. I'm not afraid of going back, but I'm still deathly afraid of things being different. I'm sure things will fall back into place just fine, though. My wife will take care of me, and my dog will lick me in the morning until I wake up to let him outside so Dawn doesn't have to get up. I hate making her get up. I'd do anything for her. Why should I be afraid of going back to that?
I tried to write a book about some of the exploits this unit has done through my point of view. But I'm a cynical bastard, and it was really more about how incredibly incompetent the majority of leadership was. My effort failed miserably. I can't finish it. Look at that, I started something I can't finish. That's another story of my life.
I've come a long way from high school, which I spent the majority of my night reading old entries about. But stepping back and taking a look at myself right now, I don't feel like I've grown up at all, but this place will always leave a huge print in me. I'm pretty damn sure I'll be answering the phone as "this is red six romeo" for a long time when I get back. Old habits die hard.
I think I'm a little too young to be reflecting on life, anyway. Besides, I still have a month and a half to go, it's not over yet.