Nov 06, 2009 20:43
I am understanding more what a leap of faith could be. It wasn't what I thought it was. I've been discovering that just being open to marriage with Michelle during our relationship wasn't enough and that I did not do it with all of my heart. This was not a leap of faith. I also withdrew from her when I began to learn more about her; what I saw frightened me. If I had exercised true faith, I would have stayed no matter how scary or angry she might sometimes look as a person, and contextualizing her was another mistake. I have been getting incendiary hate mail from her for hours. She is more than furious.
It's occurring to me that there is much more happening here. This hate and anger is stemming from something else. I don't know what it is but she is connecting me to this thing what ever it is. Looking deep down I think that I am understanding what kind of investment that she had made with me when we were together and it was enormous. I just didn't know. Drea made it a little more clear to me when we spoke, of how much this relationship meant to her. I maybe beginning to realize that Michelle's hopes, wishes and dreams was a basis for her relationship with me, and by ending it, a part of her dreams were destroyed. Is this what happened? What is going on! Michelle, what just happened!
It hurts that I still care about her. I wish that I could just hate her for how she's been treating me today, but I can't. But maybe Drea is right; I have to be as far away from her as possible. I just want for her to be happy. I need to be happy too. Could she really had been happy with me? Could I with her? We're both difficult people. But if we really could have succeeded together, I'll not know now. I am afraid that I may be facing the reality of our (my) mistakes soon.