Goodbye, my friend.
Tomorrow is D-day. Or at least, I hope. I sincerely hope tomorrow will later be known as the day I started treatment and successfully recovered.
I have spent the entire day today in bed with Bart relaxing and watching movies and doing a Desperate Housewives marathon, but since he is screaming at the television right now (football) I thought I'd take a moment to thank all of you for having been there for me the past year, since I started this journal. I remember starting this journal late 2007, probably ~October, furiously trying to lose weight, weight I had regained from losing a lot, fast, earlier that year, when my eating disorder started. That's what my ed mostly was about back then. Lose lose lose and lose some more. Being frustrated with not losing enough. This year it developed into so much more. More pain, more misery. More self-destructive ways and means. From loosely restricting to not eating for days, and from occasionally purging to throwing up multiple times a day, every day. Always struggling in trying to find a safe zone between living and completely losing my mind, resulting in losing weight and gaining weight, from trying to starve to trying to eat. I wanted to be sick, yet I also wanted to stay in control, always, even more so than being sick. That caused an eternal internal conflict. And as of today I still don't know where I stand, or what I need to be able to 'give this up'. All I know is that sometimes you simply have to go through your worst fear. Without knowing what's on the other end.
So. Thank you. I honestly have gotten more soothing words and comfort from you guys, than from my friends in real life. And nowadays, nothing beats the support from my mom, and Bart is amazing and trying his hardest, but I only got their support in this quite recently, and you have been there long before they were, fair's fair. Thank you for reading my journal, and keeping me in your thoughts, even when you were in over your head yourself. I have always tried to return the favor and have come to grown attached and to care about some of you as well.
I don't have a wireless connection over there, what I do have is my phone and a wireless connection in a cafe down the street. As you would've guessed by now, I'll try to read and update whenever I have the chance. But I thought I'd just give a head's up that I will probably be on less. How much less I am not sure. So, this isn't a permanent goodbye, but it is a goodbye to part of me, part of this journal, hello to a new era?
In the meantime; take care everyone !
x