(no subject)
I'm much less stressed today. Not because the work stress is less (it's not, in fact, I think there is more), but frankly I fucking refuse to let it get to me THIS badly. If everything goes wrong, it's not the end of the world. It's just not worth this much stress and trauma. Last night, I couldn't sleep for hours and was basically shaking in bed. I could feel the top of my head tingle. Nothing is worth that. Absolutely nothing. Even if I got fired (which I won't - I'm not even in trouble) it's not freaking worth that. Sometimes I think I waste my life by worrying about stupid shit. *sigh* I need to learn to focus on the now a little bit better. Even if the world does collapse around me and I lose my job - it's not worth missing out on my life over. I think my work problems all stem back to my father. Yes, I know. How easy. Blame dad. But...I was taught that you ARE your job. That people who don't graduate from college are beneath me. That your pride is in how well you do your job and your work ethic is everything. You are supposed to want to excel as hard and as fast as you can.
But...I don't believe those things. Gradually, each one of those things has become undone. I don't look down on people who don't have college degrees nor do I think they are less or unworthy or anything. I am not my job. And I don't want to become a corporate exec. I want to sit in my little office, wearing jeans, and coding. I don't want to be in charge. I don't want to be bothered by shit. I don't want to care about budgets. I shared this with him once and he said (kind of flippantly) "yes, you do." He never really respected me until I got my currect job. What is that about? It's funny how I care less and less what he thinks. You would think I would have cared a little less a LONG time ago, but sometimes I'm slow on the uptake.
Anyway, I guess my initial point was that I'm much less stressed today and I'm feeling good about that. I really need to learn to chill.
But...I don't believe those things. Gradually, each one of those things has become undone. I don't look down on people who don't have college degrees nor do I think they are less or unworthy or anything. I am not my job. And I don't want to become a corporate exec. I want to sit in my little office, wearing jeans, and coding. I don't want to be in charge. I don't want to be bothered by shit. I don't want to care about budgets. I shared this with him once and he said (kind of flippantly) "yes, you do." He never really respected me until I got my currect job. What is that about? It's funny how I care less and less what he thinks. You would think I would have cared a little less a LONG time ago, but sometimes I'm slow on the uptake.
Anyway, I guess my initial point was that I'm much less stressed today and I'm feeling good about that. I really need to learn to chill.