(no subject)
I haven't updated in a little while. I just haven't felt like talking about stuff. I've been posting in the community I go to, but it's most accountability stuff.
I had really hit by depression and that's never happened to me before, not like this. The back part of my brain new something was wrong, but the rest of me just didn't give a damn. It was a really odd time. A few nights, I literally didn't have the energy or the will to do anything but sit in front of the tv, and I'm not a tv watcher. I've been closing myself off from friends and even online friends and boards I like to visit. It was really odd. I was only comfortable in LJ and in LB. But I seem to have snapped out of it this weekend. I finally feel like doing stuff and seeing most of my friends. Great timing (not) because I'm leaving for Thanksgiving holiday on Wednesday morning. Hopefully, when I get back, I can get back in touch with everyone. I almost wonder if I should get a therapist again.
Reading a friend's LJ and also based on something someone PMed me about on a board I vist: it got me thinking about therapists and recovery and why I don't want to. I hate to admit any of this garbage, but if not here, where? I don't want recovery. I feel in control for the first time in my entire life. I've lost 62+ pounds and I feel like I'm taking control of myself. My binges are less and I'm acheiving something I've always wanted. I am slowing letting go of my COE and really moving more into ana/ed-nos and that's fine with me. I know, again in that back part of my rational brain, this one isn't better or different then the other. That COE and ana/ed-nos are the same damn thing, just different version of it. Hell, I can even write (type) that down, but the rest of me doesn't give a damn.
I've always had issues with food, since I was really young. I had severe food allergies and my mother just removed all of those foods from the house. But I couldn't have my favorite foods suddenly and I think I was a little too young to understand. Coupling that with a VERY controling parent and another one who was too busy working to give a shit and when I would try to talk to him, he would just say, "Would you rather have a mother who cared too much or too little". Umm...WTF? So, I started sneaking food and eating it as quickly as I could. And that's really how this all started. Even now, at this age, when I binge, I consider it sneaking food. I live alone, own my own home, and still think I'm sneaking food. *sigh* Sneaking from whom exactly? I played around with diet pills and the like when I was 16 or so, got busted by my mother (who was doing one of her random snooping through my stuff) and that sort of put an end to that. I just found other ways. Heavily restricting - only I didn't know it was called that - purging when I could (I'm not that good at forcing myself to throw up), binging when I could. And nothing has ever changed. I know how cliche this is, but I think a large part of all of this is really about control. I hate being a stereotype.
Cylla
*****
X-posted from the community I post in:
I had a great day today restriction-wise.
br: coffee with skim
lunch: sf bar (220), apple (100)
dinner: boca burger (90), ff cheese (25)
Total: 385
I got on the scale tonight and usually I'm about 4 pounds heavier, sometimes 5, then when I get up. Just normal water gain throughout the day. Well, I weighed the same tonight as I did at 6:30 this morning. That means I've lost and I think I hit my shortterm weight goal one day early! I can't wait until tomorrow morning!
I had really hit by depression and that's never happened to me before, not like this. The back part of my brain new something was wrong, but the rest of me just didn't give a damn. It was a really odd time. A few nights, I literally didn't have the energy or the will to do anything but sit in front of the tv, and I'm not a tv watcher. I've been closing myself off from friends and even online friends and boards I like to visit. It was really odd. I was only comfortable in LJ and in LB. But I seem to have snapped out of it this weekend. I finally feel like doing stuff and seeing most of my friends. Great timing (not) because I'm leaving for Thanksgiving holiday on Wednesday morning. Hopefully, when I get back, I can get back in touch with everyone. I almost wonder if I should get a therapist again.
Reading a friend's LJ and also based on something someone PMed me about on a board I vist: it got me thinking about therapists and recovery and why I don't want to. I hate to admit any of this garbage, but if not here, where? I don't want recovery. I feel in control for the first time in my entire life. I've lost 62+ pounds and I feel like I'm taking control of myself. My binges are less and I'm acheiving something I've always wanted. I am slowing letting go of my COE and really moving more into ana/ed-nos and that's fine with me. I know, again in that back part of my rational brain, this one isn't better or different then the other. That COE and ana/ed-nos are the same damn thing, just different version of it. Hell, I can even write (type) that down, but the rest of me doesn't give a damn.
I've always had issues with food, since I was really young. I had severe food allergies and my mother just removed all of those foods from the house. But I couldn't have my favorite foods suddenly and I think I was a little too young to understand. Coupling that with a VERY controling parent and another one who was too busy working to give a shit and when I would try to talk to him, he would just say, "Would you rather have a mother who cared too much or too little". Umm...WTF? So, I started sneaking food and eating it as quickly as I could. And that's really how this all started. Even now, at this age, when I binge, I consider it sneaking food. I live alone, own my own home, and still think I'm sneaking food. *sigh* Sneaking from whom exactly? I played around with diet pills and the like when I was 16 or so, got busted by my mother (who was doing one of her random snooping through my stuff) and that sort of put an end to that. I just found other ways. Heavily restricting - only I didn't know it was called that - purging when I could (I'm not that good at forcing myself to throw up), binging when I could. And nothing has ever changed. I know how cliche this is, but I think a large part of all of this is really about control. I hate being a stereotype.
Cylla
*****
X-posted from the community I post in:
I had a great day today restriction-wise.
br: coffee with skim
lunch: sf bar (220), apple (100)
dinner: boca burger (90), ff cheese (25)
Total: 385
I got on the scale tonight and usually I'm about 4 pounds heavier, sometimes 5, then when I get up. Just normal water gain throughout the day. Well, I weighed the same tonight as I did at 6:30 this morning. That means I've lost and I think I hit my shortterm weight goal one day early! I can't wait until tomorrow morning!