It's been a long while....
...since I have come on here - I actually almost forgot my sign on information. I feel so overwhelmed all the time - not by my day-to-day activities or responsibilities - but of how I feel about myself. I do not know how I have allowed myself to become this horrible person that I hide from everyone around me. I feel like I have turned myself into somewhat of a hermit because I hate going places anymore. I do not feel worthy of anything that I receive and I am afraid to venture out and try new things for fear that people will see this hidden me. Although I fight coming here...I realize tonight that I come here when I really want to be me. I am this other person on other social sites - one that is happy and loves every piece of her life. This super mom that can do no wrong. But inside there is so much wrong. I am not the person that I dreamed I would be at the age of 40. I wanted so much more out of life, but I feel like I am in this never ending spiral and I do not know how to change things. I would not change my kids for anything in this world - but there is so much that I wanted to do in my life...that I have not done. And I honestly could blame everyone else for not achieving these things - but until I start blaming myself for not moving forward with what I want - I will never get there. So, shame on me for not achieving everything that I want out of life. Shame on me for not standing up for what I want...for not living the life that I want....for giving in to everyone else...for doing what I am told (yes, even at the age of 40)...for letting myself down! Because that is the real truth of it - I am letting myself down...even though I keep telling myself that I am sad or unhappy because I am letting other people down or not making them proud enough of me - the truth is - all these years...I have been letting myself down. And I am tired of it. I am tired of starting and stopping - I am tired of not finishing something important to me - and I am so very tired of not being the person that I dream to be.