A thing I remembered doing before --
That is, I'll repost the first sentence or two of the first [real] post of each month of 2006. (Italics are my thoughts and explanations about the entries)
January ---
You know, lately I've been really on a Rilo Kiley binge. The Execution of All Things is a remarkable album that makes me wish I had her first one. I love her voice... It just gives me the images of a proper member of this generation - apathetic, chic, indie, like a modern chuck wearing teen hanging out after school, doing whatever. Something I think I sorta missed on my trip of life.
Something I think I've really felt a lot, and still do I suppose. I've felt my life has been spent a lot more just cooped up by myself, and I wonder what my life would have been like if I had been entered into the world of Rebecca sooner and more consistently -- someone I connect to Rilo Kiley.
February ---
Sometimes I feel like crying, sometimes dying. Sometimes I feel like I always will hurt, even after 5 months of the best in my life, I end up crying and hurting. I love and I rejoice and I hurt. I love and I dance and sing and I cry and sob. I worry sometimes, especially now... I've been in the same place what seems a hundred times before, and I worry you won't listen to me. I fear you'll be the fine example of human nature, as we all are at times, and be so proud as to have to find out yourself. Some things I cannot bend on.
Sigh. I remember waking up and getting that email. Normally I don't check my e-mail in the mornings before school, I just had a few minutes extra so I decided to. It was like getting hit by a ton of bricks. I did a lot of crying that day, February 1st. Sigh. I think most of you know what this one's about, I'd wager.
March ---
I've just been really freaking busy. Emily came out on the 14th and stayed till the 20th. Amazing times were had - I feel at home with her, near her, hearing her, sleeping with her, dreaming with her, getting pushed by her, painting with her, watching her watch me as I'm supposed to be making cubes.
Still reeling from when Emily visited me for about a week over Valentine's Day. Sleeping with her = actual sleeping. True story. The cubes were for my art project I was working on. I didn't finish it until she left, and I stayed up till 2. I got my A, though.
April ---
I feel the need to do something, but I'm not sure what, and I feel the need to write something, but I'm not sure what. I want to talk to Emily, but I'm guessing she's doing something. And I'll talk to her later. I can wait, I'm sure. At the same time, do I have to?
I don't remember why I was feeling like this. Probably my typical lameness that I get sometimes. I don't know why I said what I did at the end of this excerpt, but it seems a lot more revealing now... I think I was paranoid, and paranoia causes possessiveness. And I think that was showing through. I feel dumb.
May ---
it's been a while, I suppose.
School is over - I have two days of exams yet, but only one actual exam. Which is nice, I suppose.
I am tired, and I do not know why.... probably is the light, which is sketchy at best with one bulb out. I should get it replaced, but I don't feel like doing it.
Why is it I always feel this way? With Sam too... I don't want to say more about it; it'll go away, at least when I sleep.
May 14th, by the way. Anyway, I'm not sure where in context of things, but I think it's just a fairly typical example of how I can be fairly depressed when tired. It's like my guard is let down and it comes back. I believe the thing about always feeling this way, mentioning Sam, was about my own.. internal issues I had going on. I wish now I had talked more about things. Something for the future, I suppose.
June ---
I feel I should update, but I'm not really sure what to say. Perhaps something will come to me at a later time. Colorado was... home and it was good. Very good.
I am really digging my new Imogen Heap album.
I feel good.
It really says it all, I think.
July ---
I feel I must be going crazy.
I keep on hearing what sounds like my phone ringing, and when I jump to my cell phone, it hadn't been ringing at all. It's something in the music I listen to, something I had never heard before, like the ringing of my phone. I must be hallucinating...
and I want to hear from Emily... I wonder what she's up to.
2 days before the break-up. She was out doing stuff, just being generally busy, as I recall. I believe this was after the State-of-the-Union type talk we had, and that probably had thrown me off a great deal. Then again, for quite a while, I still thought I heard my ring-tone in some songs. It's something in the overtones. It's amazing how much changes in a few weeks...
August ---
I've had a good couple past days.
I had my first professional massage. It felt good to be pampered like that. Normally, I'm the one who pampers - to the best of my ability at least, which may or may not be all that much - not the pampered. Pamper. Such an odd word.
I also finally got my application to Badger Brothers in. This is good. Hopefully I'll be working there. I'm starting to figure out some things for my composistion, which is good. I was kinda at a point of stagnation - not sure where to go with what I have.
I was beginning to recover, and getting out of the house helped considerably. Something I need to keep reminding myself. Do things. I believe this also was when Nichole started entering my life in a big way as well.
September ---
So today is it. The day I re-enter the college scene with perhaps a particular era in my life over.
Things are definitely changing, which is always true. Carmen is going to UW-Oshkosh, so that means Carmina Quartet is basically dead, especially considering I've been having doubts about if I wanted to stay in it or not. We have been accepted to play at a WSMA Education Convention, so we should figure out something for that.
We stayed throughout the semester, with violinist Elaine filling Carmen's shoes pretty well, though we'd never have reached the golden days we had at Carmina, when we were getting TIGHT. I'm not sure if we'll continue next semester -- most of the radar signals seem to indicate a no. Could easily be wrong, as this entry shows. I also mention being pulled to composing later on here as well.
October ---
I am in a good mood right now.
I think I woke up today with more energy than I had ever woken up with before. I nearly sprang out of bed. I done sprung.
The weather is *gorgeous* and the leaves are falling and turning. (The traitors). I need to go outside, so I will. Because the weather is too good to say inside on a computer all day. Particularly when the computer lab is scorching because I think they're still running the heater though it's in the 70s.
It was odd in a wonderful way. I woke up with more energy than I think I've ever had in entire months, if not years. It was a beautiful day.
November ---
don't you hate, regardless of if it's true or not, when you feel like you've been lied to? Yea, me too.
I can't remember who I felt betrayed by. I have my ideas, but if I can't remember exactly, then it's not worth mentioning names. Even if I did, it probably wouldn't be worth mentioning names. Sometimes I hate being so fragile.
December ---
So just recently, I've decided that I want to make myself focus. It's something I struggle at. To do so, that is, to continue developing persistence, I have decided that I am going to write at least one poem every day.
It's kind of like the uber-journaling. Your reactions, moods, feelings, without the necessity of daily-events. For that I will keep writing in my paper journal.
I think, though, instead of plaguing facebook notes with the poems, I'll anthologize them here, posting them as I write them. This is something I think will seriously help me, so I really hope I keep up with it. That is, all in all, I think my livejournal is going to be sorta turned into my poem-place. I would LOVE feedback on any poem you feel like...feedbacking.
Still going at it. Still love feedback.
:::::::
Well there it is, for anyone who actually went through all that. That was my year in brief. Somethings seem so distant... so... far. Though I think if I were to dig through things more I could see how things fell apart a lot more clearly. I supposed I'd have been scared away too when I get possessive like I do. I really need to work on that. I need to watch myself harder.
January ---
You know, lately I've been really on a Rilo Kiley binge. The Execution of All Things is a remarkable album that makes me wish I had her first one. I love her voice... It just gives me the images of a proper member of this generation - apathetic, chic, indie, like a modern chuck wearing teen hanging out after school, doing whatever. Something I think I sorta missed on my trip of life.
Something I think I've really felt a lot, and still do I suppose. I've felt my life has been spent a lot more just cooped up by myself, and I wonder what my life would have been like if I had been entered into the world of Rebecca sooner and more consistently -- someone I connect to Rilo Kiley.
February ---
Sometimes I feel like crying, sometimes dying. Sometimes I feel like I always will hurt, even after 5 months of the best in my life, I end up crying and hurting. I love and I rejoice and I hurt. I love and I dance and sing and I cry and sob. I worry sometimes, especially now... I've been in the same place what seems a hundred times before, and I worry you won't listen to me. I fear you'll be the fine example of human nature, as we all are at times, and be so proud as to have to find out yourself. Some things I cannot bend on.
Sigh. I remember waking up and getting that email. Normally I don't check my e-mail in the mornings before school, I just had a few minutes extra so I decided to. It was like getting hit by a ton of bricks. I did a lot of crying that day, February 1st. Sigh. I think most of you know what this one's about, I'd wager.
March ---
I've just been really freaking busy. Emily came out on the 14th and stayed till the 20th. Amazing times were had - I feel at home with her, near her, hearing her, sleeping with her, dreaming with her, getting pushed by her, painting with her, watching her watch me as I'm supposed to be making cubes.
Still reeling from when Emily visited me for about a week over Valentine's Day. Sleeping with her = actual sleeping. True story. The cubes were for my art project I was working on. I didn't finish it until she left, and I stayed up till 2. I got my A, though.
April ---
I feel the need to do something, but I'm not sure what, and I feel the need to write something, but I'm not sure what. I want to talk to Emily, but I'm guessing she's doing something. And I'll talk to her later. I can wait, I'm sure. At the same time, do I have to?
I don't remember why I was feeling like this. Probably my typical lameness that I get sometimes. I don't know why I said what I did at the end of this excerpt, but it seems a lot more revealing now... I think I was paranoid, and paranoia causes possessiveness. And I think that was showing through. I feel dumb.
May ---
it's been a while, I suppose.
School is over - I have two days of exams yet, but only one actual exam. Which is nice, I suppose.
I am tired, and I do not know why.... probably is the light, which is sketchy at best with one bulb out. I should get it replaced, but I don't feel like doing it.
Why is it I always feel this way? With Sam too... I don't want to say more about it; it'll go away, at least when I sleep.
May 14th, by the way. Anyway, I'm not sure where in context of things, but I think it's just a fairly typical example of how I can be fairly depressed when tired. It's like my guard is let down and it comes back. I believe the thing about always feeling this way, mentioning Sam, was about my own.. internal issues I had going on. I wish now I had talked more about things. Something for the future, I suppose.
June ---
I feel I should update, but I'm not really sure what to say. Perhaps something will come to me at a later time. Colorado was... home and it was good. Very good.
I am really digging my new Imogen Heap album.
I feel good.
It really says it all, I think.
July ---
I feel I must be going crazy.
I keep on hearing what sounds like my phone ringing, and when I jump to my cell phone, it hadn't been ringing at all. It's something in the music I listen to, something I had never heard before, like the ringing of my phone. I must be hallucinating...
and I want to hear from Emily... I wonder what she's up to.
2 days before the break-up. She was out doing stuff, just being generally busy, as I recall. I believe this was after the State-of-the-Union type talk we had, and that probably had thrown me off a great deal. Then again, for quite a while, I still thought I heard my ring-tone in some songs. It's something in the overtones. It's amazing how much changes in a few weeks...
August ---
I've had a good couple past days.
I had my first professional massage. It felt good to be pampered like that. Normally, I'm the one who pampers - to the best of my ability at least, which may or may not be all that much - not the pampered. Pamper. Such an odd word.
I also finally got my application to Badger Brothers in. This is good. Hopefully I'll be working there. I'm starting to figure out some things for my composistion, which is good. I was kinda at a point of stagnation - not sure where to go with what I have.
I was beginning to recover, and getting out of the house helped considerably. Something I need to keep reminding myself. Do things. I believe this also was when Nichole started entering my life in a big way as well.
September ---
So today is it. The day I re-enter the college scene with perhaps a particular era in my life over.
Things are definitely changing, which is always true. Carmen is going to UW-Oshkosh, so that means Carmina Quartet is basically dead, especially considering I've been having doubts about if I wanted to stay in it or not. We have been accepted to play at a WSMA Education Convention, so we should figure out something for that.
We stayed throughout the semester, with violinist Elaine filling Carmen's shoes pretty well, though we'd never have reached the golden days we had at Carmina, when we were getting TIGHT. I'm not sure if we'll continue next semester -- most of the radar signals seem to indicate a no. Could easily be wrong, as this entry shows. I also mention being pulled to composing later on here as well.
October ---
I am in a good mood right now.
I think I woke up today with more energy than I had ever woken up with before. I nearly sprang out of bed. I done sprung.
The weather is *gorgeous* and the leaves are falling and turning. (The traitors). I need to go outside, so I will. Because the weather is too good to say inside on a computer all day. Particularly when the computer lab is scorching because I think they're still running the heater though it's in the 70s.
It was odd in a wonderful way. I woke up with more energy than I think I've ever had in entire months, if not years. It was a beautiful day.
November ---
don't you hate, regardless of if it's true or not, when you feel like you've been lied to? Yea, me too.
I can't remember who I felt betrayed by. I have my ideas, but if I can't remember exactly, then it's not worth mentioning names. Even if I did, it probably wouldn't be worth mentioning names. Sometimes I hate being so fragile.
December ---
So just recently, I've decided that I want to make myself focus. It's something I struggle at. To do so, that is, to continue developing persistence, I have decided that I am going to write at least one poem every day.
It's kind of like the uber-journaling. Your reactions, moods, feelings, without the necessity of daily-events. For that I will keep writing in my paper journal.
I think, though, instead of plaguing facebook notes with the poems, I'll anthologize them here, posting them as I write them. This is something I think will seriously help me, so I really hope I keep up with it. That is, all in all, I think my livejournal is going to be sorta turned into my poem-place. I would LOVE feedback on any poem you feel like...feedbacking.
Still going at it. Still love feedback.
:::::::
Well there it is, for anyone who actually went through all that. That was my year in brief. Somethings seem so distant... so... far. Though I think if I were to dig through things more I could see how things fell apart a lot more clearly. I supposed I'd have been scared away too when I get possessive like I do. I really need to work on that. I need to watch myself harder.