(no subject)
okay, so here's the deal, I've written a poem, and I'm not sure what I think of it. Sometimes it seems too emo for my tastes, and other times I like it. I would love feedback, both positive and negative. COnstructive feedback, especially. Tell me what's working, and just as importantly, what's not working. Thanks ahead of time!
Anydangway, here's the poem:
heat
it is this heat.
it saps and steals writhing
like a great serpent coiling around you
it pours and fills and clouds,
all our minds from thinking clearly;
why wear black? these long pants?
why mask yourself behind this drama?
it is this heat.
I wish I could just yell that
as my answer my sole excuse
for all those random ways I've
hurt you, all those idiosyncracies that
drive you mad and foaming...
like a chained dog pushed beyond her limits
in a black shoal panting in this heat -
such a poor poor creature I don't...
I don't wish to lash out and
scratch at the bonds we've built.
it is this infernal heat.
boiling away the outter niceties
we surround ourselves with
leave bare! show us ourselves...
we're really not so beautiful as we'd
like to be, as we'd want each other to see,
in this heat...
this rolling raging swamping drowning heat
that strips away our senses...
at least that's my excuse.
Tell me what you think. I know it's not my best work, but I wonder if it's salvageable?
News: another wedding today. It went well. It was extrememly short, being just the civil ceremony. Basically it was "weddings are important, don't go into one lightly. You sure wanna do it? Kay? Kay. Kiss her, foo'." The ceremony was about 10 minutes, I think. It didn't feel like anything real to me.
New lj-look, by the way. Simple is good.
Anydangway, here's the poem:
heat
it is this heat.
it saps and steals writhing
like a great serpent coiling around you
it pours and fills and clouds,
all our minds from thinking clearly;
why wear black? these long pants?
why mask yourself behind this drama?
it is this heat.
I wish I could just yell that
as my answer my sole excuse
for all those random ways I've
hurt you, all those idiosyncracies that
drive you mad and foaming...
like a chained dog pushed beyond her limits
in a black shoal panting in this heat -
such a poor poor creature I don't...
I don't wish to lash out and
scratch at the bonds we've built.
it is this infernal heat.
boiling away the outter niceties
we surround ourselves with
leave bare! show us ourselves...
we're really not so beautiful as we'd
like to be, as we'd want each other to see,
in this heat...
this rolling raging swamping drowning heat
that strips away our senses...
at least that's my excuse.
Tell me what you think. I know it's not my best work, but I wonder if it's salvageable?
News: another wedding today. It went well. It was extrememly short, being just the civil ceremony. Basically it was "weddings are important, don't go into one lightly. You sure wanna do it? Kay? Kay. Kiss her, foo'." The ceremony was about 10 minutes, I think. It didn't feel like anything real to me.
New lj-look, by the way. Simple is good.