(no subject)
you know i have been working at creating peace inside of me with the things that take me down. i thought it was working, and i think you would agree that peace is positive. i have realized that instead of being refreshed by a wave of positivity, i slowly care less about what i wanted a sense of tranquility from. money, college, friends, rugby, parents, court, tulsa, lawrence, vancouver, africa. everything in my life i only wanted harmony but i see that i only turn my back. lawrence, vancouver and africa are they just places to run away to? if i go away will i actually find, what i tell people i am going for, or will i fall back into the same me. lets say i do move and find my present dream, work isnt part of that(although all week i have looked forward to working on friday night cause i have nothing to do alldayeveryday) i hate keeping a job. ha..i keep trying to think of something ridiculous to invent that will bring me a million dollars. not that i want a million dollars, i would pay off my parents+, lawyer and courts fix my car get my scooter and a little piece of land out away from... and give the rest to i guess my parents. this reminds me i had a dream the other night and someone asked how much i owe my parents, and i said feeling honest, a million bucks, and sometimes when you wake up from a dream thinking it was real, i wanted to die. i went up to "my old high school" the other day to drop of the books i will never need(not). i sat in the back of what could have been my environmental science class with a girl i havent been really been friends with since the 8th grade and talked about life. dont worry she was the teachers aid and she stayed busy the whole time stamping index cards. theres that lonely saying if i died right now(in this case disappeared) would anyone notice, man i had never been stopped in the hallway so many times, or when i walked into a class, it was most reassuring. ::gasp:: 'he's back', 'ryan are you finally coming back to school' man i just wanted to say yeah and sit down, but no i was trespassing.
i would like to go to the last rally that i would be allowed. the others that are my age are saying they are going to say goodbye. to me i dont see the point, i have made friends there, probably the best i'll ever have, but theres noone there i feel i actually know, ever. there has always been someone i really really want to just be best friends with forever, its not happening, not for me. maybe ill go to swuusi and see some of them there, while everyone is getting trashed, or the few hours with the youth crowd. im glad i was apart of such an accepting bunch, but its the sense of belonging that i never felt that would have made it just right. plus the people i know through yruu all seem so motivated or determined to do something spectacular, and i look at me and i think im a slacker. when i am not around any of you i feel good about it, that i dont need a plan just wanna live now and see whats next
so instead of the final rally there is this rugby tournament in st louis, totally free, free jersey- complete with socks and shorts, free hotel, and no entry fee. and we get to play the best rugby all year, the best players, while they are all in shape. and thatll be it no rugby for a while.
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i would like to go to the last rally that i would be allowed. the others that are my age are saying they are going to say goodbye. to me i dont see the point, i have made friends there, probably the best i'll ever have, but theres noone there i feel i actually know, ever. there has always been someone i really really want to just be best friends with forever, its not happening, not for me. maybe ill go to swuusi and see some of them there, while everyone is getting trashed, or the few hours with the youth crowd. im glad i was apart of such an accepting bunch, but its the sense of belonging that i never felt that would have made it just right. plus the people i know through yruu all seem so motivated or determined to do something spectacular, and i look at me and i think im a slacker. when i am not around any of you i feel good about it, that i dont need a plan just wanna live now and see whats next
so instead of the final rally there is this rugby tournament in st louis, totally free, free jersey- complete with socks and shorts, free hotel, and no entry fee. and we get to play the best rugby all year, the best players, while they are all in shape. and thatll be it no rugby for a while.
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