Complimentary Escort Service, R, John/Rodney
Disclaimer: Don't own, don't know, don't ask, don't tell.
Title: Complimentary Escort Service
Pairing: John/Rodney, Rodney/Katie(minor)
Rating: R
Genre: First Time, Semi-Crack
Beta: berrynia. All mistakes left I gladly give the blame to her (even if it is mine.)
Warnings: Mild spoilers up to Tabula Rasa, and I haven't actually watched anything after that so should be safe.
Summary: Dating in the Pegasus galaxy is ill-advised, but unwanted advice is rarely heeded.
Feedback: Constructive criticism would be awesome. I've been out of the game for quite awhile.
Notes: Not quite crack ... not quite not-crack. It's been a long time since I wrote anything for any fandom so forgive me if I went a little overboard with clichés.
Further Notes: I do actually know what . one of those are. I thought I'd write a little differently than normal.
Rodney was in a good mood. No. Rodney was in a great mood. It was 1147h on a lovely Maybe-March day and he had a lunch date with the equally lovely Dr Katie Brown.
Moving around his quarters, he hummed softly as he pulled on and straightened a fresh shirt and made for the door, intent on getting there before all of the good tables were taken. Not expecting anyone to be standing mere millimeters on the other side of aforementioned door he nearly walked straight into a smiling John. Two serious looking marines stood in the hall a little further back.
"Morning Rodney."
"Yes, Colonel, can I help you?" Because it would be so typical if there was a crisis now, or even a semi-crisis and if there was, no doubt it would be messy, possibly gooey and really, he was starting to wonder why he even bothered changing clothes ever, date or no date.
"No, everything's good for now. We're just your escort."
"My what?"
"Escort. Bodyguards. Security contingent. Keepers of the Peace, if you like, though that's not quite what we're here for today. Hopefully."
"And why exactly are you here? What do I need protection from?" Rodney narrowed his eyes, his mind already running through a few scenarios. "Have the marines been playing with the weird ping-pong machine in Lab 2 again?" Because getting that back under control would certainly fit with the gooey theory.
"No. Well, not that I know of. But no it's nothing like that, we're here to escort you to lunch."
The marines nodded briefly and regripped their assorted weaponry of the PDW variety.
Escort him to lunch? That made all the sense in the world. If the world was made of marshmallow and hey, that would actually be nice if a little diabetes-inducing. "I'm sorry, Colonel, I don't think I understand."
John nodded a little and moved to put a hand on Rodney's back, ushering him in the direction of the mess. "It's like this. You're going to lunch, right?"
"That's right." The hand on his back was still urging him to walk and, he did have an appointment to keep after all so yes walking and talking would help save some time.
"With Katie?"
"Yes, I told you that at breakfast." At great length, if he could recall correctly. Possibly with added Dopey Grin effect but his friends hadn't teased him too much, he didn't think.
"Yes, you did and I'm glad you did. But you, Katie, lunch," They reached a corner and John glanced up and down the hall as if scanning for a potential threat, though there was nothing apparent. "Together?"
"Yes." Rodney was being ever so polite and not insulting John's intelligence. Or his parentage. Not even his hair which could possibly be a personal best. But he still had no idea what the fuck was going on. And that hand was still on his back being all warm and distracting and walk-urging.
"Like a date?"
Rodney flushed a little but nodded. "Well, yes, I guess it is." He had the sinking feeling he was back to Dopey Grin territory. But really, who could blame him. Katie was one of the best people in the city. She was smart and good looking and could make him smile. And he was going on a date with her. Again. As in more than one date so possibly getting serious 'Again' and wow, serious would be so nice after all this time of not-serious he'd had lately. A little silly smiling was totally pardonable right now.
There really weren't many people in Atlantis who would rank higher on the Dateable list than Katie. Carter maybe, who sadly wasn't interested and actually his boss now so, yeah, awkward. John definitely but again, not interested and a close friend, possibly even entirely straight, so that would be really awkward. Jennifer, perhaps, though there was something irritating about the way she spoke sort of slow with her eyes all big and wide but maybe he was imagining that. Teyla would be downright weird, not just awkward and oh, right, John was talking.
"That's why the armed escort."
"What's why the armed escort?" He must have missed something important while he was running through his list because it almost sounded like John was saying his date with Katie needed supervision. Which was, of course, ridiculous.
"You and Katie, on a date. The two of you need to be supervised."
Right. So apparently it wasn't so ridiculous of him to think that was what Sheppard was saying. As this seemed like a situation where he was dealing with a crazy person, some tact would be good. "ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND?" He decided he was very pleased with his restraint.
"Not today."
The git actually looked cheerful. "We do not need supervision but thank you for offering, fuck off." If only there were streets of traffic on Atlantis for Rodney to tell him to go play in but sadly living in an awesome flying city occasionally had its drawbacks.
"Sorry, can't. Rumour has it the two of you are cursed."
Definitely a situation of dealing with a crazy person. Rodney had read about this once, many years ago. Military personnel, cracking under the stress of war, going slightly loopy and bringing death and destruction and ear necklaces down upon innocent civilians. Or was he getting it all confused with Universal Soldier? Either way. "Did you say cursed?" Insane-Dolph had been really rather hot, even with the grizzly jewelry and Rodney wondered if John would be too. And really, what was he thinking? Of course Sheppard would be hot, festering accessories or not. He always was, even when using those ridiculous facial expressions that made him look constipated. God, those were hot.
Prick.
"Yeah, cursed."
Rodney stopped walking a few feet from the door to the mess, crossed his arms and let his best glare out to play. It took forty three seconds for John to crack, which is worrying. He must be getting rusty.
"Oh come on Rodney. The two of you arrange a date and suddenly you have Cadman in your head. The two of you have lunch and a scientist explodes. The two of you go for a stroll and amnesia sweeps across the city!"
Of all the asinine things ... "A stroll? I was walking her to the infirmary because she was already infected!"
"Ah huh."
"She was!" And he clung to that because she really was infected before they went for their "stroll" and that means that John's insane theory was, well, insane.
"Look, Rodney, I know, okay, I know it seems really silly ... but the guys are taking it kind of seriously and I thought maybe this would help them relax."
"Stupid marines." Rodney could see a future with the soldiers' favourite rec room in a state of constant remodeling. With jackhammers. Specially-acquired-for-the-job-jackhammers.
John nodded, sympathetically. "Yeah."
And oh look now he was being blessed with John's 'I'm sorry but I know you'll forgive me cause you really want to kiss me' smile which always made Rodney shift his scowl to the floor or the wall or anything other than John so nothing humiliating happened. "Fine, tag along, but I swear if you ruin this"
"No, we'll be good, I promise."
Rodney walked into the mess, saw Katie sitting at a table with two more marines already standing guard behind her and glared at John again.
"Don't sweat it Rodney, we'll be invisible, you won't even know we're there."
Fifteen minutes into his date Rodney started to realise that Sheppard's idea of 'good' and 'invisible' involved countless interruptions, three-way conversations and the really irritating click-click of Sheppard playing with the safety button of his weapon. At least the marines weren't even blinking. In fact they were taking their guard duty seriously. Very seriously. Stupid, superstitious marines.
Katie was very good-natured about it all, of course. She was sweet and slightly hesitant but Rodney had been hanging around scientists a long time and already had her pegged down as a blowjob girl. He nodded blindly at whatever she was saying, just knowing that as soon as she felt more comfortable around him and relaxed he was so going to get a good time. He smiled goofily as she finished talking and placed his hand on top of hers as it rested on the edge of the table. She smiled goofily back at him.
"Are you sure that's wise?" John leaned in to murmur at them. "The city might sink. Or blow up. Or both, have we done both yet?" The marines were shifting restlessly.
"I'll take my chances." Rodney nudged him out of his personal space and enjoyed the warmth under his hand. He was starting to think for a blowjob he'd take quite a few chances. God, he hadn't had a blowjob in a really long time, probably about as long since the last time he gave one. He bet Katie was good at them, what with the shape of her lips and the way he could see her tongue flicker behind her teeth as she spoke. He wondered briefly as he sipped his coffee when the last time she gave one was. He hoped it wasn't too long, it might be disappointing then.
And now John was back, leaning in and speaking softly only to him and really did the guy have to do that while he was thinking about sex? He really missed sex.
"McKay are you even listening to me?"
"No." And he actually wasn't even if he normally did. He blinked dimly and just watched John's mouth move and great he was back to the blowjob thing again. "Sorry, what?"
"I said how much longer are you two going to be, I haven't had lunch yet."
And well, well, if the bastard didn't sound annoyed about something, how fucking dare he? The date was barely salvageable as it was without adding bad tempered military minders to its list. There was probably only so much Katie could smile nervously through. "Colonel, feel free to leave, no really, please do." He hissed back. "As you can see the apocalypse has not descended upon us, so I don't think you or your dumbass marines are needed here." Rodney watched as John's head whipped to the side, staring out the corridor.
"Does anyone else hear that weird thumping sound?"
**********
John was in a bad mood. No. John was in a foul mood. It was 2347h on a god-awful Maybe-March day and he'd had to baby-sit a lunch date with the equally god-awful Dr Katie Brown and Rodney.
And deal with all the shit that a date between those two entailed.
Moving around his quarters, he dried his hair as he pointedly ignored the soft knock at his door.
After six hours of systematic hunting through the city which had ended with a strategic forty-five minute interval in a storage closet to 'regroup' while the flying-pig-monkeys tried to hunt them back (
"Well I hope you're happy, Rodney."
"Oh you can not blame this on me having a date, Colonel!"
"Watch me. ... And are those your hands on my hips?"
"Seeing how we're the only two in here, I should hope so. There's not much room, thanks to the fifteen boxes of waffle mix and the entire crate of maple syrup I'm standing in front of. Thank god I'm not trying to squeeze in here with Ronon."
"You just wish we had a waffle iron."
"Yeah."
), an extra hour of flying-pig-monkey-flushing-out, an almost humorous 90 second explanation from Radek of how to stop the pig-monkeys from coming back (
"We must move the city fifty feet to the south."
"How will that help?"
"Well Rodney, it turns out they have very poor eyesight, yes? The only reason they found us at all was because many literally ran into the central spire. So if we move the city fifty feet to the south it shall be out of their migratory path and we will be quite safe in the coming years."
"I hate this planet. Let's go back to the one the replicators were attacking. At least it only had ear-popping whale things. Can we, Colonel? Can we go back please?"
"No, but just to be on the safe side we'll move the city two hundred feet."
"Fine."
), four hours to help clean up various pig-monkey body parts, body fluids and disgustingly not so fluidy ... stuff ... and four showers later, John was letting himself slowly relax at the end of a truly awful day.
Well the storage closet thing had been nice, if possibly the cruelest cocktease situation ever thought of. But he was probably just being biased when he rated it as such.
Whoever was outside his door knocked again. He sighed and opened it against his better judgment. Rodney pushed one hand against his chest forcing him to back up a bit and then just followed him in, letting the door shut before speaking.
"You owe me a blowjob."
Er ... "I'm sorry, what?" Maybe he'd gotten a lot of water in his ears from the four showers because that could not have been what he'd just heard.
"I just told Katie that hey, maybe you superstitious morons in the military weren't being so moronic because wow do we have a bad track record. What was I thinking? You just got me so paranoid that maybe it was our fault and now I don't have a girlfriend, therefore I am not getting my duly owed blowjob." Rodney scowled as if he should already know all this.
"Katie was going to give you a blowjob?" He said slowly and eeewwww he really hadn't needed that information. It was bad enough he'd had to hear a practically giddy Rodney gush on about his upcoming lunch-date for the entire of breakfast which only made him queasy and then watch them fawn over each other at a lunch he didn't get to eat anything at and probably wouldn't have been able to keep anything down anyway, before the horde of flying-pig-monkeys had descended, literally, meaning he had to skip dinner to go hunting, only to then find himself being surrounded by potential waffles and Rodney and maple syrup that, no matter how much he wanted to, he knew he was not allowed to pour on the aforementioned Rodney and then lick slowly off. He was really hungry, still recovering from being really horny and it was all that grabby, flirty, slutty Brown's fault. God he hated that plant-loving hippy-bitch so much.
"well, we hadn't discussed anything like that yet, but she is so the blowjob type, I can tell. Of course then you went and got me all worked up about this cursed dating thing and I clearly lost my mind and said I believed it so no sex for me!" Rodney poked him in the chest, almost painfully. "Therefore you owe me a blowjob."
And maybe the whole 'losing your mind' thing was contagious and could be transferred by chest poking (or maybe it was because John had had a really lousy day full of jealous sulking and shooting weird space creatures and even some nice almost-cuddling in a storage closet couldn't quite make up for the horror of watching Rodney hold the hippy-bitch's hand, so listening to Rodney repeatedly say he was owed a blowjob was simply the last damn straw) as all he did was nod agreeably. "Okay." Then he put his hands on Rodney's hips and used them to help slowly lower himself to his knees.
"Ummmm." Rodney said, helpfully.
But John wasn't in the mood for advice so he shrugged it off and finished getting the pants down to Rodney's knees before he leant in and sucked gently on the flaccid cock until he was sure he had its full attention.
So as lousy as the day had been it was definitely looking up. Even, when Rodney stumbled backwards and hit the door, if he did have to crawl on his knees a little to keep his mouth in position. His left knee was already sore and his jaw was starting to ache a little and god it had been a looooong time since he'd done this, he hoped he wouldn't accidentally bite or anything.
Great, he probably just jinxed himself.
But the words Rodney was using seemed mostly encouraging and he sucked a little harder, trying to ignore the embarrassing noise that made and simply hoped it sounded hotter all the way up there where Rodney's ears were.
He'd only just found a decent rhythm with his tongue and had slid his hand over to lightly touch the hairs surrounding the base when Rodney's thighs twitched and he pushed weakly at his forehead in a bad attempt at some sort of warning. John resisted the urge to snort because jees, it's not like he was a virgin or anything. He sucked so hard it probably hurt and let the semen pool on his tongue before realising he didn't have anything on hand to spit it into.
Pulling off carefully without spilling anything, he pressed the back of his hand to his mouth before mentally shrugging and just giving into the inevitable. He's pretty certain that's the first time he's ever swallowed in his whole life and huh, that's sort of sad really. He must be a little prudish.
"Um, wow."
John looked up and titled his head. Good wow? Bad wow? Mediocre wow? Frankly he thought he'd done okay considering how rusty he was. "Something wrong?"
"That was seriously unexpected."
That didn't sound good. Which meant this could be bad. This might be leading to being embarrassed and oh god, maybe even some dreaded blushing, so something better be said quick. "You said I owed you." Wow, he was so lame he would punch himself if he could get a few minutes of privacy.
Rodney nodded, conceding the point and still breathing a little unevenly. "Well, yeah I was thinking maybe you could help me patch things up with Katie. Or failing that, you know, next time we were on Earth you could get me a hooker."
"Oh." And damn, he hadn't managed to avoid the embarrassing moment after all and christ he was still on his fucking knees, did he have no dignity? "Sorry."
"Are you kidding? No, seriously, I ... you ... no."
Rodney's hand was behind his neck then and John dragged himself back to his feet and let it pull him closer to its owner before it let go and they both stopped leaning towards each other and wait what? Why was that stopped?
"Oh," Rodney shrugged in apology. "Military. You probably don't"
And John had known where that was going the second he'd heard 'Oh' and actually yeah, usually he doesn't but hey, it was a night of firsts or something. "I'llmakeanexception." So he kissed him because Rodney obviously wanted to kiss him, John rationalised, and he'd just had the guy's dick in his mouth for christ's sake and if Dr Rodney McKay of all people wanted to kiss him after that, then it would be really rude to not let him.
Ha, yeah right, it was all about Rodney, sure.
"I thought this would be awkward." Rodney mumbled against his lips. "I thought even if you weren't straight, it would be awkward and such a bad idea."
And what the hell is he meant to say to that? Though that might require Rodney letting go of his tongue so maybe he's not supposed to reply. His knees ached from kneeling on the floor so he's grateful when Rodney slipped out of his grasp and pulled him by his t-shirt to the bed.
"Could you lie down? I just ... I want ... I can't ... please."
"Sure, Rodney, sure." He flopped on to his back and smiled lazily as Rodney crawled over him to kiss him again, both hands already working on his trousers before one cool-skinned hand finally curled around his cock.
He felt Rodney start to slowly jack him off and couldn't help but feel just a little disappointed that he wouldn't be getting a blowjob himself. Not to misunderstand him or anything because hey, he liked handjobs and kissing too but it'd been what felt like forever since he'd had someone suck his dick. For as long as he could remember he'd somehow always managed to hook up with women who either didn't like it, wouldn't even try it and even, on that one really memorable occasion since coming to the Pegasus galaxy, hadn't even heard of it and wow, hadn't that conversation gone badly.
So when Rodney gave his mouth one last lick before shifting further down the mattress, John felt it was well within his right to grin like a fool. Apparently Rodney just liked to make sure the party was started before doing more about it.
Yay!
The hand on his cock picked up speed as lips sealed around the tip. And, oh, that would be a warm, slick tongue, god he missed blowjobs. Whatever he may have said about Rodney's co-ordination in the past, he took back gratefully because he had no idea how the guy wasn't constantly hitting himself in the mouth right now.
He let his eyes drift shut, just enjoying the building pleasure and feeling the tension of the day settle into a nice hum, right under his skin. The sounds originating near his thighs were deliciously dirty and he blindly stretched out his right hand, wanting to feel the movement of Rodney's cheek as the suction increased.
He could feel his orgasm building, the shift of muscles in his thighs and how his heart was full out racing were a couple of signs that gave it away quite easily. "Rodney," He murmured, not convinced that would be loud enough to be heard. He brushed his fingers across Rodney's cheek and slid them to the side of his neck, just under an ear and used that to nudge.
Rodney, a little out of breath himself, lifted off for a few seconds, just long enough to speak. "You can cum in my mouth, I don't mind."
John tensed, sucked in a huge lungful of air and held it for three full seconds as his hips flexed hard enough to make his foot kick involuntarily. And he let it all out with one soundless sigh that lasted so long his lungs burned as they compressed too much. John had no clue if Rodney had been forced to swallow like he had and frankly he wouldn't have given a damn if he'd just spat it out on the floor. He gulped some air back in as he rubbed an earlobe between his fingers by way of a thank you, or maybe even a thank god.
He still hadn't quite gotten his breath back when Rodney crawled up and kissed him but really, what was he going to do? Complain? Not likely. And besides what would he complain with? Having a few nice moments of lack of air here, thanks. Then Rodney pulled back and glared rather forcefully.
"Wait! Did you purposely set out to ruin my date with that ridiculous curse theory?"
John blinked slowly before shifting his left arm so he could rest his head on his hand. "What? No. The whole escort thing was legitimate." Of course if certain bonuses of not letting it all run smoothly were included then cool. "And I didn't ruin lunch at all! If anyone ruined a meal it was you two. I haven't eaten since dinner last night because of your goddamn date."
"Ah huh." Blatant disbelief. "So you just happened to seduce me after you helped kill what was supposed to be a nice, romantic, lunch for two with your crazy talk?"
"Hey, there's a certain lieutenant who has been known to whimper when the two of you exchange passing smiles in the hallways." And there is and he's a wimp that John's seriously considering sending back to Earth because, really, two scientists smiling, no matter how 'Cursed' is not scarier than the Wraith. Or the Asurans. Or that ping-pong machine in Lab 2. But he's still getting a death-glare from Rodney so he better fess up soon. "The marines really do think you two are ... were ill-fated," Uh oh, the eyes are getting narrower "but yeah, maybe I was being a bit more of a dick than I had to be." He tried his best 'I'm sorry, but please forgive me 'cause you're a really good friend and I don't want us to fight about this' smile. That always got Rodney to look away and start to calm down.
Except for once Rodney didn't look away. It was weird really, suddenly the frowning all just seemed to melt and John was being kissed again. Very enthusiastically. Huh. That was way better than simply diverting the angry staring, even if it meant he might not be able to ever use his best smile in public again if this was what it would get him.
Yeah, it was breaking his heart, really it was.
And that, of course, was when the brand new siren in the gate room went off. So they jumped to their feet and started fixing their clothes. Well, not so much jumped as grumbled and muttered and forced themselves to stand by sheer willpower alone, but a little lethargy is always understandable after some nice orgasms.
"You know," Rodney said as a conversation starter while he tried to thread his belt as his hands shook. "If this counts as a date, then so far our luck isn't any better than what Katie and I had."
"I don't care." Though John thought maybe he should, military commander and all. Those sorts of people shouldn't simply invite danger in because they wanted to get laid but no way in HELL was he letting Rodney back out of this now. Especially not if he was going to be the first to almost refer to this as a date.
"No, think about it, maybe it's just me. Maybe me getting laid or going on a date just dooms us all!"
"I. Don't. Care." It was just all a stupid co-incidence anyway, right? Right? He answered himself that yes it was while he clipped his holster back on.
"Maybe I should take a vow of celibacy to help cut down on the bizarre situations we get ourselves into? I mean, I know it won't stop them completely because it's not like we didn't have a million before I finally landed myself a date and I really don't want to do it anyway, the celibacy thing that is, but I like not nearly dying and"
John pushed him against the door and kissed him until he got a decent response. Mmmm, wet, warm tongue, nice. The siren somehow wailed louder so he reluctantly pulled himself away, tucking his shirt in and wiping his mouth at the same time. "If it'll make you feel safer, I'll leave my sidearm on when I fuck you."
"Okay."
Title: Complimentary Escort Service
Pairing: John/Rodney, Rodney/Katie(minor)
Rating: R
Genre: First Time, Semi-Crack
Beta: berrynia. All mistakes left I gladly give the blame to her (even if it is mine.)
Warnings: Mild spoilers up to Tabula Rasa, and I haven't actually watched anything after that so should be safe.
Summary: Dating in the Pegasus galaxy is ill-advised, but unwanted advice is rarely heeded.
Feedback: Constructive criticism would be awesome. I've been out of the game for quite awhile.
Notes: Not quite crack ... not quite not-crack. It's been a long time since I wrote anything for any fandom so forgive me if I went a little overboard with clichés.
Further Notes: I do actually know what . one of those are. I thought I'd write a little differently than normal.
Rodney was in a good mood. No. Rodney was in a great mood. It was 1147h on a lovely Maybe-March day and he had a lunch date with the equally lovely Dr Katie Brown.
Moving around his quarters, he hummed softly as he pulled on and straightened a fresh shirt and made for the door, intent on getting there before all of the good tables were taken. Not expecting anyone to be standing mere millimeters on the other side of aforementioned door he nearly walked straight into a smiling John. Two serious looking marines stood in the hall a little further back.
"Morning Rodney."
"Yes, Colonel, can I help you?" Because it would be so typical if there was a crisis now, or even a semi-crisis and if there was, no doubt it would be messy, possibly gooey and really, he was starting to wonder why he even bothered changing clothes ever, date or no date.
"No, everything's good for now. We're just your escort."
"My what?"
"Escort. Bodyguards. Security contingent. Keepers of the Peace, if you like, though that's not quite what we're here for today. Hopefully."
"And why exactly are you here? What do I need protection from?" Rodney narrowed his eyes, his mind already running through a few scenarios. "Have the marines been playing with the weird ping-pong machine in Lab 2 again?" Because getting that back under control would certainly fit with the gooey theory.
"No. Well, not that I know of. But no it's nothing like that, we're here to escort you to lunch."
The marines nodded briefly and regripped their assorted weaponry of the PDW variety.
Escort him to lunch? That made all the sense in the world. If the world was made of marshmallow and hey, that would actually be nice if a little diabetes-inducing. "I'm sorry, Colonel, I don't think I understand."
John nodded a little and moved to put a hand on Rodney's back, ushering him in the direction of the mess. "It's like this. You're going to lunch, right?"
"That's right." The hand on his back was still urging him to walk and, he did have an appointment to keep after all so yes walking and talking would help save some time.
"With Katie?"
"Yes, I told you that at breakfast." At great length, if he could recall correctly. Possibly with added Dopey Grin effect but his friends hadn't teased him too much, he didn't think.
"Yes, you did and I'm glad you did. But you, Katie, lunch," They reached a corner and John glanced up and down the hall as if scanning for a potential threat, though there was nothing apparent. "Together?"
"Yes." Rodney was being ever so polite and not insulting John's intelligence. Or his parentage. Not even his hair which could possibly be a personal best. But he still had no idea what the fuck was going on. And that hand was still on his back being all warm and distracting and walk-urging.
"Like a date?"
Rodney flushed a little but nodded. "Well, yes, I guess it is." He had the sinking feeling he was back to Dopey Grin territory. But really, who could blame him. Katie was one of the best people in the city. She was smart and good looking and could make him smile. And he was going on a date with her. Again. As in more than one date so possibly getting serious 'Again' and wow, serious would be so nice after all this time of not-serious he'd had lately. A little silly smiling was totally pardonable right now.
There really weren't many people in Atlantis who would rank higher on the Dateable list than Katie. Carter maybe, who sadly wasn't interested and actually his boss now so, yeah, awkward. John definitely but again, not interested and a close friend, possibly even entirely straight, so that would be really awkward. Jennifer, perhaps, though there was something irritating about the way she spoke sort of slow with her eyes all big and wide but maybe he was imagining that. Teyla would be downright weird, not just awkward and oh, right, John was talking.
"That's why the armed escort."
"What's why the armed escort?" He must have missed something important while he was running through his list because it almost sounded like John was saying his date with Katie needed supervision. Which was, of course, ridiculous.
"You and Katie, on a date. The two of you need to be supervised."
Right. So apparently it wasn't so ridiculous of him to think that was what Sheppard was saying. As this seemed like a situation where he was dealing with a crazy person, some tact would be good. "ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND?" He decided he was very pleased with his restraint.
"Not today."
The git actually looked cheerful. "We do not need supervision but thank you for offering, fuck off." If only there were streets of traffic on Atlantis for Rodney to tell him to go play in but sadly living in an awesome flying city occasionally had its drawbacks.
"Sorry, can't. Rumour has it the two of you are cursed."
Definitely a situation of dealing with a crazy person. Rodney had read about this once, many years ago. Military personnel, cracking under the stress of war, going slightly loopy and bringing death and destruction and ear necklaces down upon innocent civilians. Or was he getting it all confused with Universal Soldier? Either way. "Did you say cursed?" Insane-Dolph had been really rather hot, even with the grizzly jewelry and Rodney wondered if John would be too. And really, what was he thinking? Of course Sheppard would be hot, festering accessories or not. He always was, even when using those ridiculous facial expressions that made him look constipated. God, those were hot.
Prick.
"Yeah, cursed."
Rodney stopped walking a few feet from the door to the mess, crossed his arms and let his best glare out to play. It took forty three seconds for John to crack, which is worrying. He must be getting rusty.
"Oh come on Rodney. The two of you arrange a date and suddenly you have Cadman in your head. The two of you have lunch and a scientist explodes. The two of you go for a stroll and amnesia sweeps across the city!"
Of all the asinine things ... "A stroll? I was walking her to the infirmary because she was already infected!"
"Ah huh."
"She was!" And he clung to that because she really was infected before they went for their "stroll" and that means that John's insane theory was, well, insane.
"Look, Rodney, I know, okay, I know it seems really silly ... but the guys are taking it kind of seriously and I thought maybe this would help them relax."
"Stupid marines." Rodney could see a future with the soldiers' favourite rec room in a state of constant remodeling. With jackhammers. Specially-acquired-for-the-job-jackhammers.
John nodded, sympathetically. "Yeah."
And oh look now he was being blessed with John's 'I'm sorry but I know you'll forgive me cause you really want to kiss me' smile which always made Rodney shift his scowl to the floor or the wall or anything other than John so nothing humiliating happened. "Fine, tag along, but I swear if you ruin this"
"No, we'll be good, I promise."
Rodney walked into the mess, saw Katie sitting at a table with two more marines already standing guard behind her and glared at John again.
"Don't sweat it Rodney, we'll be invisible, you won't even know we're there."
Fifteen minutes into his date Rodney started to realise that Sheppard's idea of 'good' and 'invisible' involved countless interruptions, three-way conversations and the really irritating click-click of Sheppard playing with the safety button of his weapon. At least the marines weren't even blinking. In fact they were taking their guard duty seriously. Very seriously. Stupid, superstitious marines.
Katie was very good-natured about it all, of course. She was sweet and slightly hesitant but Rodney had been hanging around scientists a long time and already had her pegged down as a blowjob girl. He nodded blindly at whatever she was saying, just knowing that as soon as she felt more comfortable around him and relaxed he was so going to get a good time. He smiled goofily as she finished talking and placed his hand on top of hers as it rested on the edge of the table. She smiled goofily back at him.
"Are you sure that's wise?" John leaned in to murmur at them. "The city might sink. Or blow up. Or both, have we done both yet?" The marines were shifting restlessly.
"I'll take my chances." Rodney nudged him out of his personal space and enjoyed the warmth under his hand. He was starting to think for a blowjob he'd take quite a few chances. God, he hadn't had a blowjob in a really long time, probably about as long since the last time he gave one. He bet Katie was good at them, what with the shape of her lips and the way he could see her tongue flicker behind her teeth as she spoke. He wondered briefly as he sipped his coffee when the last time she gave one was. He hoped it wasn't too long, it might be disappointing then.
And now John was back, leaning in and speaking softly only to him and really did the guy have to do that while he was thinking about sex? He really missed sex.
"McKay are you even listening to me?"
"No." And he actually wasn't even if he normally did. He blinked dimly and just watched John's mouth move and great he was back to the blowjob thing again. "Sorry, what?"
"I said how much longer are you two going to be, I haven't had lunch yet."
And well, well, if the bastard didn't sound annoyed about something, how fucking dare he? The date was barely salvageable as it was without adding bad tempered military minders to its list. There was probably only so much Katie could smile nervously through. "Colonel, feel free to leave, no really, please do." He hissed back. "As you can see the apocalypse has not descended upon us, so I don't think you or your dumbass marines are needed here." Rodney watched as John's head whipped to the side, staring out the corridor.
"Does anyone else hear that weird thumping sound?"
**********
John was in a bad mood. No. John was in a foul mood. It was 2347h on a god-awful Maybe-March day and he'd had to baby-sit a lunch date with the equally god-awful Dr Katie Brown and Rodney.
And deal with all the shit that a date between those two entailed.
Moving around his quarters, he dried his hair as he pointedly ignored the soft knock at his door.
After six hours of systematic hunting through the city which had ended with a strategic forty-five minute interval in a storage closet to 'regroup' while the flying-pig-monkeys tried to hunt them back (
"Well I hope you're happy, Rodney."
"Oh you can not blame this on me having a date, Colonel!"
"Watch me. ... And are those your hands on my hips?"
"Seeing how we're the only two in here, I should hope so. There's not much room, thanks to the fifteen boxes of waffle mix and the entire crate of maple syrup I'm standing in front of. Thank god I'm not trying to squeeze in here with Ronon."
"You just wish we had a waffle iron."
"Yeah."
), an extra hour of flying-pig-monkey-flushing-out, an almost humorous 90 second explanation from Radek of how to stop the pig-monkeys from coming back (
"We must move the city fifty feet to the south."
"How will that help?"
"Well Rodney, it turns out they have very poor eyesight, yes? The only reason they found us at all was because many literally ran into the central spire. So if we move the city fifty feet to the south it shall be out of their migratory path and we will be quite safe in the coming years."
"I hate this planet. Let's go back to the one the replicators were attacking. At least it only had ear-popping whale things. Can we, Colonel? Can we go back please?"
"No, but just to be on the safe side we'll move the city two hundred feet."
"Fine."
), four hours to help clean up various pig-monkey body parts, body fluids and disgustingly not so fluidy ... stuff ... and four showers later, John was letting himself slowly relax at the end of a truly awful day.
Well the storage closet thing had been nice, if possibly the cruelest cocktease situation ever thought of. But he was probably just being biased when he rated it as such.
Whoever was outside his door knocked again. He sighed and opened it against his better judgment. Rodney pushed one hand against his chest forcing him to back up a bit and then just followed him in, letting the door shut before speaking.
"You owe me a blowjob."
Er ... "I'm sorry, what?" Maybe he'd gotten a lot of water in his ears from the four showers because that could not have been what he'd just heard.
"I just told Katie that hey, maybe you superstitious morons in the military weren't being so moronic because wow do we have a bad track record. What was I thinking? You just got me so paranoid that maybe it was our fault and now I don't have a girlfriend, therefore I am not getting my duly owed blowjob." Rodney scowled as if he should already know all this.
"Katie was going to give you a blowjob?" He said slowly and eeewwww he really hadn't needed that information. It was bad enough he'd had to hear a practically giddy Rodney gush on about his upcoming lunch-date for the entire of breakfast which only made him queasy and then watch them fawn over each other at a lunch he didn't get to eat anything at and probably wouldn't have been able to keep anything down anyway, before the horde of flying-pig-monkeys had descended, literally, meaning he had to skip dinner to go hunting, only to then find himself being surrounded by potential waffles and Rodney and maple syrup that, no matter how much he wanted to, he knew he was not allowed to pour on the aforementioned Rodney and then lick slowly off. He was really hungry, still recovering from being really horny and it was all that grabby, flirty, slutty Brown's fault. God he hated that plant-loving hippy-bitch so much.
"well, we hadn't discussed anything like that yet, but she is so the blowjob type, I can tell. Of course then you went and got me all worked up about this cursed dating thing and I clearly lost my mind and said I believed it so no sex for me!" Rodney poked him in the chest, almost painfully. "Therefore you owe me a blowjob."
And maybe the whole 'losing your mind' thing was contagious and could be transferred by chest poking (or maybe it was because John had had a really lousy day full of jealous sulking and shooting weird space creatures and even some nice almost-cuddling in a storage closet couldn't quite make up for the horror of watching Rodney hold the hippy-bitch's hand, so listening to Rodney repeatedly say he was owed a blowjob was simply the last damn straw) as all he did was nod agreeably. "Okay." Then he put his hands on Rodney's hips and used them to help slowly lower himself to his knees.
"Ummmm." Rodney said, helpfully.
But John wasn't in the mood for advice so he shrugged it off and finished getting the pants down to Rodney's knees before he leant in and sucked gently on the flaccid cock until he was sure he had its full attention.
So as lousy as the day had been it was definitely looking up. Even, when Rodney stumbled backwards and hit the door, if he did have to crawl on his knees a little to keep his mouth in position. His left knee was already sore and his jaw was starting to ache a little and god it had been a looooong time since he'd done this, he hoped he wouldn't accidentally bite or anything.
Great, he probably just jinxed himself.
But the words Rodney was using seemed mostly encouraging and he sucked a little harder, trying to ignore the embarrassing noise that made and simply hoped it sounded hotter all the way up there where Rodney's ears were.
He'd only just found a decent rhythm with his tongue and had slid his hand over to lightly touch the hairs surrounding the base when Rodney's thighs twitched and he pushed weakly at his forehead in a bad attempt at some sort of warning. John resisted the urge to snort because jees, it's not like he was a virgin or anything. He sucked so hard it probably hurt and let the semen pool on his tongue before realising he didn't have anything on hand to spit it into.
Pulling off carefully without spilling anything, he pressed the back of his hand to his mouth before mentally shrugging and just giving into the inevitable. He's pretty certain that's the first time he's ever swallowed in his whole life and huh, that's sort of sad really. He must be a little prudish.
"Um, wow."
John looked up and titled his head. Good wow? Bad wow? Mediocre wow? Frankly he thought he'd done okay considering how rusty he was. "Something wrong?"
"That was seriously unexpected."
That didn't sound good. Which meant this could be bad. This might be leading to being embarrassed and oh god, maybe even some dreaded blushing, so something better be said quick. "You said I owed you." Wow, he was so lame he would punch himself if he could get a few minutes of privacy.
Rodney nodded, conceding the point and still breathing a little unevenly. "Well, yeah I was thinking maybe you could help me patch things up with Katie. Or failing that, you know, next time we were on Earth you could get me a hooker."
"Oh." And damn, he hadn't managed to avoid the embarrassing moment after all and christ he was still on his fucking knees, did he have no dignity? "Sorry."
"Are you kidding? No, seriously, I ... you ... no."
Rodney's hand was behind his neck then and John dragged himself back to his feet and let it pull him closer to its owner before it let go and they both stopped leaning towards each other and wait what? Why was that stopped?
"Oh," Rodney shrugged in apology. "Military. You probably don't"
And John had known where that was going the second he'd heard 'Oh' and actually yeah, usually he doesn't but hey, it was a night of firsts or something. "I'llmakeanexception." So he kissed him because Rodney obviously wanted to kiss him, John rationalised, and he'd just had the guy's dick in his mouth for christ's sake and if Dr Rodney McKay of all people wanted to kiss him after that, then it would be really rude to not let him.
Ha, yeah right, it was all about Rodney, sure.
"I thought this would be awkward." Rodney mumbled against his lips. "I thought even if you weren't straight, it would be awkward and such a bad idea."
And what the hell is he meant to say to that? Though that might require Rodney letting go of his tongue so maybe he's not supposed to reply. His knees ached from kneeling on the floor so he's grateful when Rodney slipped out of his grasp and pulled him by his t-shirt to the bed.
"Could you lie down? I just ... I want ... I can't ... please."
"Sure, Rodney, sure." He flopped on to his back and smiled lazily as Rodney crawled over him to kiss him again, both hands already working on his trousers before one cool-skinned hand finally curled around his cock.
He felt Rodney start to slowly jack him off and couldn't help but feel just a little disappointed that he wouldn't be getting a blowjob himself. Not to misunderstand him or anything because hey, he liked handjobs and kissing too but it'd been what felt like forever since he'd had someone suck his dick. For as long as he could remember he'd somehow always managed to hook up with women who either didn't like it, wouldn't even try it and even, on that one really memorable occasion since coming to the Pegasus galaxy, hadn't even heard of it and wow, hadn't that conversation gone badly.
So when Rodney gave his mouth one last lick before shifting further down the mattress, John felt it was well within his right to grin like a fool. Apparently Rodney just liked to make sure the party was started before doing more about it.
Yay!
The hand on his cock picked up speed as lips sealed around the tip. And, oh, that would be a warm, slick tongue, god he missed blowjobs. Whatever he may have said about Rodney's co-ordination in the past, he took back gratefully because he had no idea how the guy wasn't constantly hitting himself in the mouth right now.
He let his eyes drift shut, just enjoying the building pleasure and feeling the tension of the day settle into a nice hum, right under his skin. The sounds originating near his thighs were deliciously dirty and he blindly stretched out his right hand, wanting to feel the movement of Rodney's cheek as the suction increased.
He could feel his orgasm building, the shift of muscles in his thighs and how his heart was full out racing were a couple of signs that gave it away quite easily. "Rodney," He murmured, not convinced that would be loud enough to be heard. He brushed his fingers across Rodney's cheek and slid them to the side of his neck, just under an ear and used that to nudge.
Rodney, a little out of breath himself, lifted off for a few seconds, just long enough to speak. "You can cum in my mouth, I don't mind."
John tensed, sucked in a huge lungful of air and held it for three full seconds as his hips flexed hard enough to make his foot kick involuntarily. And he let it all out with one soundless sigh that lasted so long his lungs burned as they compressed too much. John had no clue if Rodney had been forced to swallow like he had and frankly he wouldn't have given a damn if he'd just spat it out on the floor. He gulped some air back in as he rubbed an earlobe between his fingers by way of a thank you, or maybe even a thank god.
He still hadn't quite gotten his breath back when Rodney crawled up and kissed him but really, what was he going to do? Complain? Not likely. And besides what would he complain with? Having a few nice moments of lack of air here, thanks. Then Rodney pulled back and glared rather forcefully.
"Wait! Did you purposely set out to ruin my date with that ridiculous curse theory?"
John blinked slowly before shifting his left arm so he could rest his head on his hand. "What? No. The whole escort thing was legitimate." Of course if certain bonuses of not letting it all run smoothly were included then cool. "And I didn't ruin lunch at all! If anyone ruined a meal it was you two. I haven't eaten since dinner last night because of your goddamn date."
"Ah huh." Blatant disbelief. "So you just happened to seduce me after you helped kill what was supposed to be a nice, romantic, lunch for two with your crazy talk?"
"Hey, there's a certain lieutenant who has been known to whimper when the two of you exchange passing smiles in the hallways." And there is and he's a wimp that John's seriously considering sending back to Earth because, really, two scientists smiling, no matter how 'Cursed' is not scarier than the Wraith. Or the Asurans. Or that ping-pong machine in Lab 2. But he's still getting a death-glare from Rodney so he better fess up soon. "The marines really do think you two are ... were ill-fated," Uh oh, the eyes are getting narrower "but yeah, maybe I was being a bit more of a dick than I had to be." He tried his best 'I'm sorry, but please forgive me 'cause you're a really good friend and I don't want us to fight about this' smile. That always got Rodney to look away and start to calm down.
Except for once Rodney didn't look away. It was weird really, suddenly the frowning all just seemed to melt and John was being kissed again. Very enthusiastically. Huh. That was way better than simply diverting the angry staring, even if it meant he might not be able to ever use his best smile in public again if this was what it would get him.
Yeah, it was breaking his heart, really it was.
And that, of course, was when the brand new siren in the gate room went off. So they jumped to their feet and started fixing their clothes. Well, not so much jumped as grumbled and muttered and forced themselves to stand by sheer willpower alone, but a little lethargy is always understandable after some nice orgasms.
"You know," Rodney said as a conversation starter while he tried to thread his belt as his hands shook. "If this counts as a date, then so far our luck isn't any better than what Katie and I had."
"I don't care." Though John thought maybe he should, military commander and all. Those sorts of people shouldn't simply invite danger in because they wanted to get laid but no way in HELL was he letting Rodney back out of this now. Especially not if he was going to be the first to almost refer to this as a date.
"No, think about it, maybe it's just me. Maybe me getting laid or going on a date just dooms us all!"
"I. Don't. Care." It was just all a stupid co-incidence anyway, right? Right? He answered himself that yes it was while he clipped his holster back on.
"Maybe I should take a vow of celibacy to help cut down on the bizarre situations we get ourselves into? I mean, I know it won't stop them completely because it's not like we didn't have a million before I finally landed myself a date and I really don't want to do it anyway, the celibacy thing that is, but I like not nearly dying and"
John pushed him against the door and kissed him until he got a decent response. Mmmm, wet, warm tongue, nice. The siren somehow wailed louder so he reluctantly pulled himself away, tucking his shirt in and wiping his mouth at the same time. "If it'll make you feel safer, I'll leave my sidearm on when I fuck you."
"Okay."