Gentleness and Real Strength [Morgan/Reid]
"Nothing is so strong as gentleness and nothing is so gentle as real strength." Ralph W. Sockman
Spencer scratched at his arms; the plane right back to Virginia was taking far too long for his liking. He was like a caged animal in the jet, nowhere to go but he couldn’t sit still. His mind was still on the case they just solved, the poor women being killed as chat rooms full of people sat by and did nothing but watch eagerly. The case hit too close, too too close and Spencer couldn’t stop the memories as they filled his head. He nervously bounced his leg as he leaned back closing his eyes. He didn’t need the memories or the urges that caused him to scratch at his arms again.
Next to him Derek was half asleep, the music from his ipod playing softly in his ears. But the music didn’t stop him from hearing the restlessness of the man next to him. One final bump against his own leg caused Derek to open his eyes and take a look at Spencer. This last case had brought back painful memories for all involved and Derek was trying hard to ignore the memories. He didn’t need to be reminded about how he almost lost Spencer before he even knew what he wanted from the other man. He couldn’t sleep for weeks after that case, every time he closed his eyes he saw Spencer on that computer screen. And now sitting on the jet those same visions came as he tried to sleep.
Pulling the headphones out of his ears he placed them on the table along with the ipod before reaching over to grab one of Spencer’s arms. “Hey,” This action caused Spencer’s eyes to fly open startled before focusing on Derek. “You okay?”
Spencer swallowed before nodding his head his eyes glancing around the jet making sure no one else had caught wind of the two of them. The last thing he wanted was the rest of the team to catch on that he might not be okay with all the facts of the case.
Derek squeezed his arm before releasing it giving him a look that said he didn’t believe Spencer. “We’ll talk once the jet lands.” With that he settled back into the seat his hand slipping down between their seats to grab Spencer’s holding it tight the rest of the flight.
Once back in Virginia Derek found himself shuffling Spencer from the jet toward the SUV waving off everyone else who offered to give Spencer a ride home, the rest of the team may have lived closer to Spencer’s apartment than Derek but the only things that remained there was an old garage sale find couch and the non-working microwave that had been broken during one of the last nights they had spent there. Everything of value had been moved over to Derek’s townhouse months ago after Spencer had been shot. It was in that moment, seeing Spencer in the grass his hands covered in blood that he decided he didn’t want to spend another night away from Spencer ever.
The drive home was quiet both men lost in their own thoughts about the case in Boise and the one in Georgia. Once in the garage Derek pushed Spencer toward the house mumbling something about going to check on Clooney. Heading toward the neighbor’s house he looked back watching Spencer shuffle toward the house, his arms wrapped tight around his body. Derek rubbed his face wishing that the case had been different, that it didn’t bring up these memories. Memories he never wanted to face again.
Thanking his neighbor profusely Derek found himself agreeing to come by the next day and help clean out her rain gutters. Not that Derek minded, his neighbor had been a great help to him taking Clooney at all hours and days on end. The two headed back toward the townhouse, Clooney taking the lead happy to be home with his two masters. Derek sent Clooney on inside as he grabbed the bags from the SUV. Entering the still dark house Derek paused listening for sounds of anything from his lover. Dropping the bags in the laundry room to be taken care of later, he made his way through the rest of the house trying to find Spencer and Clooney.
He found them in the living room, Spencer sitting on the couch twirling something in his hand staring off as Clooney had squirmed his way onto the couch and his head onto Spencer’s lap. Spencer’s other hand was mindlessly scratching the space right behind Clooney’s ear.
“Spence?” Derek kept his voice as calm as possible as he inched his way into the living room and into Spencer’s line of sight. He eased his body on the other side of Spencer trying to find himself in the small space between Spencer and the arm of the couch. Placing his hand on Spencer’s knee he waited for his lover to speak first.
“Was it the same?”
Derek looked over at Spencer a puzzled look on his face as he tried to put together what Spencer was asking him. Or rather he wanted Spencer to think he didn’t know what the question was about when really he just rather not answer that question. Spencer’s hand that had been scratching Clooney now rested on top of Derek’s gripping it slightly. “Was it the same? Watching that girl being killed, was it the same as watching me?”
Derek let out a deep breath as he realized what Spencer was asking. He did his best to keep his emotions in check before he went about answering the question. It brought him back to that time he’d rather forget, a case he wished the BAU had never taken.
“It was worse I think. Worse because I knew it wasn’t you yet as soon as I closed my eyes I was seeing you on that screen instead of Allison Kittredge. It was if what was on the screen wasn’t what I was seeing, instead I was staring at you tied to that chair in the cemetery all over again. But I think the worst part was,” Derek had to stop as he fought to keep the anger he felt toward Tobias Hankel in check. “The worst part was sitting there watching it as you were watching it. I couldn’t look at you while I watched it, because I knew the moment the unsub was in her house Tobias Hankel was in your head. And I couldn’t stop that from happening.”
Derek turned his hand over in Spencer’s and grasped it tightly as he tried to shake the memories of watching Allison Kittredge and Tobias Hankel out of his head.
“You know I almost forgot about this thing,” Spencer stopped twirling the chip and held it out in his fingers staring at it. “I keep it in the pocket of my messenger bag out of sight, hidden in the depths of it. But tonight, tonight I really needed to remind myself.” He turned so his body was facing Derek’s, letting him see the one year chip he possessed. “Someone very important gave me theirs, right before we went to Texas for that case with Owen. Told me they never left their home without it because if they forgot about it then they’d lose everything. So I listened to their advice, got my one year chip, gave him his back and tossed this in the bottom of my bag. And tonight, we get back here and my mind is on a million different things, Allison Kittredge, Tobias Hankel, this case, Georgia, Dilaudid, all that. And as I drop my bag in the office this chip comes rolling out of it.”
Derek leaned forward and pressed his lips against Spencer’s forehead. He reached his other hand between them and clasped Spencer’s, the chip held between both their hands. He let his head rest against Spencer’s, breathing in the scent of the hotel room shampoo Spencer had last used. “You know,” his lips brushing against Spencer’s forehead as he spoke, “I don’t think I tell you this enough but I’m proud of you. Proud of everything you’ve overcome in the last few years.”
Spencer started to open his mouth to speak but Derek shook his head before Spencer could get a sound out. “Not yet pretty boy. You’ve been to hell and back and ninety percent of the time I forget that. Forget to tell you that I’m proud of you, lucky to have you in my life. And I’m sorry it took Tobias Hankel for me to realize that.”
“Derek….” Spencer swallowed trying to find his voice. “Derek, just because you don’t tell me those things doesn’t mean I’m going to relapse. Neither does this case. There’s always going to be a case that reminds us of things in our past but that’s all they are, reminders of the past. You don’t like cases with abused children but one case is not going to cause you to do anything stupid. And this case was never going to make me do anything I’d regret. And that chip simply reinforced that, the last reminder of the past I don’t want to revisit. It wasn’t what made me stop from relapsing, you did that. Your presence in my life is enough; I don’t need a chip to remind me of what I’d lose if I went back in my past. All I need is to look in your eyes or feel your lips against my forehead and I’m a stronger person, a better person.”
Spencer tossed the chip onto the coffee table and leaned in pressing his lips against Derek’s. His hands cupped Derek’s cheeks as he deepened the kiss, know his actions would cause Derek to slip his hands into his hair, a feeling Spencer loved. Derek nipped at Spencer’s lips, one hand gripping at Spencer’s hair as the other hand rested at the base of Spencer’s neck. Reluctantly Derek found himself pulling away sooner than he wanted, but once Spencer’s hand had slipped under Derek’s shirt he knew this was the only time he had to slow things down before it went to a point involving the couch and their squeezing into tight positions. Not that they hadn’t attempted or succeeded in the past but each time left them with kinks in muscles that protested movement the next day.
“Come on babe, let’s go to bed. I’m tired and I know you must be exhausted.”
Spencer shook his head, his lips swollen and hair tussled, “can’t sleep, not yet anyway.” Derek nodded and reached behind to pull the blanket off the top of the couch and wrapped it around them as Spencer reached for the remote flipping the television to some documentary on the History Channel he had already seen.
“Love you,” Derek mumbled, pulling Spencer closer as the two of them lounged out on the couch, feet nearly hanging off the arm. He closed his eyes inhaling the smell of Spencer as he buried his face in the back of Spencer’s neck. The sounds of the documentary on the tv faded into the background and he drifted off to sleep, holding Spencer tighter.
Spencer scratched at his arms; the plane right back to Virginia was taking far too long for his liking. He was like a caged animal in the jet, nowhere to go but he couldn’t sit still. His mind was still on the case they just solved, the poor women being killed as chat rooms full of people sat by and did nothing but watch eagerly. The case hit too close, too too close and Spencer couldn’t stop the memories as they filled his head. He nervously bounced his leg as he leaned back closing his eyes. He didn’t need the memories or the urges that caused him to scratch at his arms again.
Next to him Derek was half asleep, the music from his ipod playing softly in his ears. But the music didn’t stop him from hearing the restlessness of the man next to him. One final bump against his own leg caused Derek to open his eyes and take a look at Spencer. This last case had brought back painful memories for all involved and Derek was trying hard to ignore the memories. He didn’t need to be reminded about how he almost lost Spencer before he even knew what he wanted from the other man. He couldn’t sleep for weeks after that case, every time he closed his eyes he saw Spencer on that computer screen. And now sitting on the jet those same visions came as he tried to sleep.
Pulling the headphones out of his ears he placed them on the table along with the ipod before reaching over to grab one of Spencer’s arms. “Hey,” This action caused Spencer’s eyes to fly open startled before focusing on Derek. “You okay?”
Spencer swallowed before nodding his head his eyes glancing around the jet making sure no one else had caught wind of the two of them. The last thing he wanted was the rest of the team to catch on that he might not be okay with all the facts of the case.
Derek squeezed his arm before releasing it giving him a look that said he didn’t believe Spencer. “We’ll talk once the jet lands.” With that he settled back into the seat his hand slipping down between their seats to grab Spencer’s holding it tight the rest of the flight.
Once back in Virginia Derek found himself shuffling Spencer from the jet toward the SUV waving off everyone else who offered to give Spencer a ride home, the rest of the team may have lived closer to Spencer’s apartment than Derek but the only things that remained there was an old garage sale find couch and the non-working microwave that had been broken during one of the last nights they had spent there. Everything of value had been moved over to Derek’s townhouse months ago after Spencer had been shot. It was in that moment, seeing Spencer in the grass his hands covered in blood that he decided he didn’t want to spend another night away from Spencer ever.
The drive home was quiet both men lost in their own thoughts about the case in Boise and the one in Georgia. Once in the garage Derek pushed Spencer toward the house mumbling something about going to check on Clooney. Heading toward the neighbor’s house he looked back watching Spencer shuffle toward the house, his arms wrapped tight around his body. Derek rubbed his face wishing that the case had been different, that it didn’t bring up these memories. Memories he never wanted to face again.
Thanking his neighbor profusely Derek found himself agreeing to come by the next day and help clean out her rain gutters. Not that Derek minded, his neighbor had been a great help to him taking Clooney at all hours and days on end. The two headed back toward the townhouse, Clooney taking the lead happy to be home with his two masters. Derek sent Clooney on inside as he grabbed the bags from the SUV. Entering the still dark house Derek paused listening for sounds of anything from his lover. Dropping the bags in the laundry room to be taken care of later, he made his way through the rest of the house trying to find Spencer and Clooney.
He found them in the living room, Spencer sitting on the couch twirling something in his hand staring off as Clooney had squirmed his way onto the couch and his head onto Spencer’s lap. Spencer’s other hand was mindlessly scratching the space right behind Clooney’s ear.
“Spence?” Derek kept his voice as calm as possible as he inched his way into the living room and into Spencer’s line of sight. He eased his body on the other side of Spencer trying to find himself in the small space between Spencer and the arm of the couch. Placing his hand on Spencer’s knee he waited for his lover to speak first.
“Was it the same?”
Derek looked over at Spencer a puzzled look on his face as he tried to put together what Spencer was asking him. Or rather he wanted Spencer to think he didn’t know what the question was about when really he just rather not answer that question. Spencer’s hand that had been scratching Clooney now rested on top of Derek’s gripping it slightly. “Was it the same? Watching that girl being killed, was it the same as watching me?”
Derek let out a deep breath as he realized what Spencer was asking. He did his best to keep his emotions in check before he went about answering the question. It brought him back to that time he’d rather forget, a case he wished the BAU had never taken.
“It was worse I think. Worse because I knew it wasn’t you yet as soon as I closed my eyes I was seeing you on that screen instead of Allison Kittredge. It was if what was on the screen wasn’t what I was seeing, instead I was staring at you tied to that chair in the cemetery all over again. But I think the worst part was,” Derek had to stop as he fought to keep the anger he felt toward Tobias Hankel in check. “The worst part was sitting there watching it as you were watching it. I couldn’t look at you while I watched it, because I knew the moment the unsub was in her house Tobias Hankel was in your head. And I couldn’t stop that from happening.”
Derek turned his hand over in Spencer’s and grasped it tightly as he tried to shake the memories of watching Allison Kittredge and Tobias Hankel out of his head.
“You know I almost forgot about this thing,” Spencer stopped twirling the chip and held it out in his fingers staring at it. “I keep it in the pocket of my messenger bag out of sight, hidden in the depths of it. But tonight, tonight I really needed to remind myself.” He turned so his body was facing Derek’s, letting him see the one year chip he possessed. “Someone very important gave me theirs, right before we went to Texas for that case with Owen. Told me they never left their home without it because if they forgot about it then they’d lose everything. So I listened to their advice, got my one year chip, gave him his back and tossed this in the bottom of my bag. And tonight, we get back here and my mind is on a million different things, Allison Kittredge, Tobias Hankel, this case, Georgia, Dilaudid, all that. And as I drop my bag in the office this chip comes rolling out of it.”
Derek leaned forward and pressed his lips against Spencer’s forehead. He reached his other hand between them and clasped Spencer’s, the chip held between both their hands. He let his head rest against Spencer’s, breathing in the scent of the hotel room shampoo Spencer had last used. “You know,” his lips brushing against Spencer’s forehead as he spoke, “I don’t think I tell you this enough but I’m proud of you. Proud of everything you’ve overcome in the last few years.”
Spencer started to open his mouth to speak but Derek shook his head before Spencer could get a sound out. “Not yet pretty boy. You’ve been to hell and back and ninety percent of the time I forget that. Forget to tell you that I’m proud of you, lucky to have you in my life. And I’m sorry it took Tobias Hankel for me to realize that.”
“Derek….” Spencer swallowed trying to find his voice. “Derek, just because you don’t tell me those things doesn’t mean I’m going to relapse. Neither does this case. There’s always going to be a case that reminds us of things in our past but that’s all they are, reminders of the past. You don’t like cases with abused children but one case is not going to cause you to do anything stupid. And this case was never going to make me do anything I’d regret. And that chip simply reinforced that, the last reminder of the past I don’t want to revisit. It wasn’t what made me stop from relapsing, you did that. Your presence in my life is enough; I don’t need a chip to remind me of what I’d lose if I went back in my past. All I need is to look in your eyes or feel your lips against my forehead and I’m a stronger person, a better person.”
Spencer tossed the chip onto the coffee table and leaned in pressing his lips against Derek’s. His hands cupped Derek’s cheeks as he deepened the kiss, know his actions would cause Derek to slip his hands into his hair, a feeling Spencer loved. Derek nipped at Spencer’s lips, one hand gripping at Spencer’s hair as the other hand rested at the base of Spencer’s neck. Reluctantly Derek found himself pulling away sooner than he wanted, but once Spencer’s hand had slipped under Derek’s shirt he knew this was the only time he had to slow things down before it went to a point involving the couch and their squeezing into tight positions. Not that they hadn’t attempted or succeeded in the past but each time left them with kinks in muscles that protested movement the next day.
“Come on babe, let’s go to bed. I’m tired and I know you must be exhausted.”
Spencer shook his head, his lips swollen and hair tussled, “can’t sleep, not yet anyway.” Derek nodded and reached behind to pull the blanket off the top of the couch and wrapped it around them as Spencer reached for the remote flipping the television to some documentary on the History Channel he had already seen.
“Love you,” Derek mumbled, pulling Spencer closer as the two of them lounged out on the couch, feet nearly hanging off the arm. He closed his eyes inhaling the smell of Spencer as he buried his face in the back of Spencer’s neck. The sounds of the documentary on the tv faded into the background and he drifted off to sleep, holding Spencer tighter.