Love and Hope are Always Possible [Morgan/Reid]
"No matter how dark the moment, love and hope are always possible." George Chakiris
It was later than he expected when he finally pulled into the parking space. Letting out a sigh he sat in the vehicle momentarily processing everything that had happened since they had arrived back at the Bureau after the latest case. So much had changed in such a short time and he found himself second guessing everything: every decision, every thought, every second that passed. When he had left he hadn’t wanted to drive back to his place, it was far too empty and lonely. Instead he drove aimlessly around the city wishing he had taken his bike to work instead. Somehow he ended up in this parking lot, well not so much somehow as it was his planned final destination since pulling out of the Bureau parking lot.
It was nearly 5am when he trudged his way up the flights of stairs knowing he still needed more time to process, the elevator would be too short of a trip for his thoughts tonight. He reached his destination almost too quickly despite the stairs and took a deep breath staring at the door in front of him. His hand rose and knocked; he didn’t even realize he was doing so until he heard the sound of his knuckles hitting the wood. Why he ended up where he was, at Spencer’s, he wasn’t sure. No he did know why, he always knew why he found himself on Spencer’s doorstep; he needed that comfort and warmth he had come to crave after the past two years.
There was mumbling behind the door, the sound of shuffling, crutches hitting the floor and then a curse and hard noise as one of the crutches hit something, most likely the coffee table, and a grunt. A few more seconds passed before Morgan heard the sound of the chain being released and the door opened slowly revealing Spencer. His hair was a mess, the pajama pants and shirt of Morgan’s he wore seemed disheveled even under the cumbersome knee brace and Morgan could see the sleep in his eyes. His body rested on the crutches, as if to keep himself upright as his body was full of sleep.
“Derek?” He cleared his throat, a hand rubbing his face as concern shown through the sleep haze filled speech. “What’s wrong?”
Morgan knew answering “nothing” would get him nowhere. He knew he didn’t look himself, who would after the bomb that had been dropped on him, not to mention it was five am and he was at Spencer’s doorstep. That in itself was cause enough for Spencer’s concern. He inhaled deeply and stepped into the apartment heading straight for the couch. Dropping onto it he resisted meeting Spencer’s gaze as he clenched and unclenched his hands. He heard vaguely the sound of Spencer closing and locking the door and crutches shuffling across the hardwood floors as Spencer neared him.
“Hotch stepped down.” It was with those three simple words that he lifted his eyes to meet Spencer’s. The shocked expression that greeted him he knew had been the same he had when Hotch first brought the idea to him a mere three hours before. “He wants me to take over as unit chief. He said it was the only way to keep the team together.”
Spencer was speechless as he settled himself on the couch next to Morgan taking the clenched fists into his own hands giving them a squeeze. He knew of what had transpired between Morgan and Hotch during the case, the paperwork Hotch seemed to be piling on and pushing. The two had discussed it on the flight back as the rest of the team was in a slumber; he had tried to make sense of Hotch’s actions to no avail. He also thought back to the case in New York just a year ago and the information divulged about Morgan being next in line for the unit chief position at the field office there.
“And?” Spencer’s voice was small as it broke the silence the two had been sitting in.
Morgan’s gaze had dropped when Spencer sat on the couch and he forced himself to look at his lover once again. He knew New York was on Spencer’s mind, there was no way it wasn’t. “I told him it would be temporary. Nothing more. As soon as Foyet was caught, things would go back to normal. End of discussion.”
Spencer leaned forward and pressed his lips against Morgan’s temple. He knew the respect Morgan had for Hotch, hell that the whole team had and if he felt this was the best way to go about things he would support it. “Everything will be fine.” His lips moved against Morgan’s skin as he spoke not wanting to pull away from him.
Instinctively Morgan’s arms wrapped around Spencer and he pulled him closer inhaling deeply as he took in the smell of Spencer. It was a combination of the smell he knew to be Spencer and then himself on the shirt Spencer wore. He buried his face into the crook of Spencer’s neck, the stress of the last three hours finally being released. Spencer pressed his lips to the top of Morgan’s head as he let his hands run up and down Morgan’s back. A million thoughts were racing through his head and he fought to keep them internalized knowing was not the time for questions. But the thing Morgan had said about splitting the team was weighing heavily on his mind; he needed to know the context of that statement. Biting his bottom lip he let his eyes fall close knowing there was plenty of time to ask Morgan what had happened after he had headed home.
The two stayed in that position for what seemed like hours, one or both falling asleep with silence surrounding them until Spencer heard the distinct sound of newspaper hitting the hallway floor right outside his door. Realizing neither had gotten much sleep in the last 24 hours and in this position on the couch was no way to go about catching up on that lost sleep especially with the nagging pain he felt in his knee, Spencer nudged at Morgan until the older man looked up meeting Spencer’s eyes. “Come on babe, let’s go to bed.”
Reluctantly Morgan let his grip on Spencer loosen as the other man untangled himself rising from the couch. He held his hand out waiting for Morgan to capture it in his own. Morgan rose slowly from the couch the lack of sleep hitting him hard. The two shuffled down the dimly sun lit hallway toward Spencer’s bedroom, Morgan holding tightly to Spencer not wanting to let contact go as the crutches were left behind, Morgan taking on most of Spencer’s weight.
Once they reached the bedroom Morgan dropped on the bed not bothering with the sheets or even the overdressed state he was in. He was nearly asleep when he felt a tug at his feet. Turning his head away from its face down position on the bed he cracked open an eye only to see Spencer sitting at the edge of the bed gently pulling off Morgan’s shoes. Spencer always knew when to take care of him. Morgan pushed up off the bed into a sitting position and reached for Spencer capturing his lips in his own. He rested his forehead against Spencer’s letting his eyes close before he spoke again.
“You know…I almost told him about us….” Morgan’s voice was soft, so soft that Spencer almost didn’t catch what was said. Spencer pulled away slightly taking Morgan’s face in his hands as he made the other man stare him in the eyes. He frowned at the slight of stress, worry and lack of sleep across his lover’s face.
“Why….?” It wasn’t as if they hadn’t talked about coming clean to the rest of the team, it was all just a matter of finding the right time, the right moment. Spencer was pretty sure most if not all of the team already had a general idea; it had been two years now. And he knew they hadn’t always been as careful as they claimed to be. But he never predicted it would come out under the circumstances that were now.
“It…” Morgan took a deep breath before continuing, “It was my only reason for not taking Hotch up on his offer. And I wanted to, I was set to tell him no, he was our chief and that was how it was going to be. That I had had the opportunity to lead a team in New York and turned it down because I wanted to stay where I was, with my team. But I knew he’d want a reason why, because regardless of my stepping up or not eventually he wasn’t going to be our chief. He knew that and he wanted to protect the rest of us. And here I was about to tell him no, all because how it would affect my relationship with a team member, someone who would be in the official eyes of the Bureau be my subordinate.”
He paused taking a second to look Spencer in the eye, watch him as he processed what was being said. Taking Spencer’s hands off his face he held them in his own, pressing his lips against the smooth skin before continuing his story.
“And in the back of my head this voice…this voice that sounded a whole ton like someone I love, like you, told me I better suck it up and take Hotch up on his offer or there would be far worse repercussions that fraternizing with a subordinate.”
Spencer closed his eyes squeezing his hands against Morgan’s, a small smile appearing across his lips and he thought he would have said something very close to that had Morgan come to him discussing his options. He felt Morgan watching him, waiting for his reaction to what Morgan had just said. The reasons behind why Morgan said yes, was in part to protect him, to protect the both of them from what would happen if the team was faced with reassignments. It was better to be acting chief with a secret than to not be working together.
“Everything will be fine,” Spencer’s voice was shaky as he spoke, trying to believe the words as he said them for the second time that night. Who knew how long this “acting” chief position would last. When or even if Foyet would be caught, would things really return to normal. Casting away all his doubt he surged forward pressing his lips against Morgan’s needing to feel alive, to be in this moment right then.
Morgan murmured a thank you against his lover’s lips pulling him down onto the bed with him. Kicking his shoes off the rest of the way he then pulled off his shirt tossing it on the floor near the shoes. Morgan wrapped his arms around Spencer’s waist pulling the younger man close to his body as his head found its way to the crook of Spencer’s neck and he sighed deeply.
“Sleep,” Spencer’s voice was barely heard as adjusted himself within Morgan’s arms letting his own eyes close as sleep drew him in. He fought it off until he felt the steady breathing of his lover before he succumbed to his own exhaustion. Tomorrow he would get answers to the unasked questions, tomorrow they both would.
It was later than he expected when he finally pulled into the parking space. Letting out a sigh he sat in the vehicle momentarily processing everything that had happened since they had arrived back at the Bureau after the latest case. So much had changed in such a short time and he found himself second guessing everything: every decision, every thought, every second that passed. When he had left he hadn’t wanted to drive back to his place, it was far too empty and lonely. Instead he drove aimlessly around the city wishing he had taken his bike to work instead. Somehow he ended up in this parking lot, well not so much somehow as it was his planned final destination since pulling out of the Bureau parking lot.
It was nearly 5am when he trudged his way up the flights of stairs knowing he still needed more time to process, the elevator would be too short of a trip for his thoughts tonight. He reached his destination almost too quickly despite the stairs and took a deep breath staring at the door in front of him. His hand rose and knocked; he didn’t even realize he was doing so until he heard the sound of his knuckles hitting the wood. Why he ended up where he was, at Spencer’s, he wasn’t sure. No he did know why, he always knew why he found himself on Spencer’s doorstep; he needed that comfort and warmth he had come to crave after the past two years.
There was mumbling behind the door, the sound of shuffling, crutches hitting the floor and then a curse and hard noise as one of the crutches hit something, most likely the coffee table, and a grunt. A few more seconds passed before Morgan heard the sound of the chain being released and the door opened slowly revealing Spencer. His hair was a mess, the pajama pants and shirt of Morgan’s he wore seemed disheveled even under the cumbersome knee brace and Morgan could see the sleep in his eyes. His body rested on the crutches, as if to keep himself upright as his body was full of sleep.
“Derek?” He cleared his throat, a hand rubbing his face as concern shown through the sleep haze filled speech. “What’s wrong?”
Morgan knew answering “nothing” would get him nowhere. He knew he didn’t look himself, who would after the bomb that had been dropped on him, not to mention it was five am and he was at Spencer’s doorstep. That in itself was cause enough for Spencer’s concern. He inhaled deeply and stepped into the apartment heading straight for the couch. Dropping onto it he resisted meeting Spencer’s gaze as he clenched and unclenched his hands. He heard vaguely the sound of Spencer closing and locking the door and crutches shuffling across the hardwood floors as Spencer neared him.
“Hotch stepped down.” It was with those three simple words that he lifted his eyes to meet Spencer’s. The shocked expression that greeted him he knew had been the same he had when Hotch first brought the idea to him a mere three hours before. “He wants me to take over as unit chief. He said it was the only way to keep the team together.”
Spencer was speechless as he settled himself on the couch next to Morgan taking the clenched fists into his own hands giving them a squeeze. He knew of what had transpired between Morgan and Hotch during the case, the paperwork Hotch seemed to be piling on and pushing. The two had discussed it on the flight back as the rest of the team was in a slumber; he had tried to make sense of Hotch’s actions to no avail. He also thought back to the case in New York just a year ago and the information divulged about Morgan being next in line for the unit chief position at the field office there.
“And?” Spencer’s voice was small as it broke the silence the two had been sitting in.
Morgan’s gaze had dropped when Spencer sat on the couch and he forced himself to look at his lover once again. He knew New York was on Spencer’s mind, there was no way it wasn’t. “I told him it would be temporary. Nothing more. As soon as Foyet was caught, things would go back to normal. End of discussion.”
Spencer leaned forward and pressed his lips against Morgan’s temple. He knew the respect Morgan had for Hotch, hell that the whole team had and if he felt this was the best way to go about things he would support it. “Everything will be fine.” His lips moved against Morgan’s skin as he spoke not wanting to pull away from him.
Instinctively Morgan’s arms wrapped around Spencer and he pulled him closer inhaling deeply as he took in the smell of Spencer. It was a combination of the smell he knew to be Spencer and then himself on the shirt Spencer wore. He buried his face into the crook of Spencer’s neck, the stress of the last three hours finally being released. Spencer pressed his lips to the top of Morgan’s head as he let his hands run up and down Morgan’s back. A million thoughts were racing through his head and he fought to keep them internalized knowing was not the time for questions. But the thing Morgan had said about splitting the team was weighing heavily on his mind; he needed to know the context of that statement. Biting his bottom lip he let his eyes fall close knowing there was plenty of time to ask Morgan what had happened after he had headed home.
The two stayed in that position for what seemed like hours, one or both falling asleep with silence surrounding them until Spencer heard the distinct sound of newspaper hitting the hallway floor right outside his door. Realizing neither had gotten much sleep in the last 24 hours and in this position on the couch was no way to go about catching up on that lost sleep especially with the nagging pain he felt in his knee, Spencer nudged at Morgan until the older man looked up meeting Spencer’s eyes. “Come on babe, let’s go to bed.”
Reluctantly Morgan let his grip on Spencer loosen as the other man untangled himself rising from the couch. He held his hand out waiting for Morgan to capture it in his own. Morgan rose slowly from the couch the lack of sleep hitting him hard. The two shuffled down the dimly sun lit hallway toward Spencer’s bedroom, Morgan holding tightly to Spencer not wanting to let contact go as the crutches were left behind, Morgan taking on most of Spencer’s weight.
Once they reached the bedroom Morgan dropped on the bed not bothering with the sheets or even the overdressed state he was in. He was nearly asleep when he felt a tug at his feet. Turning his head away from its face down position on the bed he cracked open an eye only to see Spencer sitting at the edge of the bed gently pulling off Morgan’s shoes. Spencer always knew when to take care of him. Morgan pushed up off the bed into a sitting position and reached for Spencer capturing his lips in his own. He rested his forehead against Spencer’s letting his eyes close before he spoke again.
“You know…I almost told him about us….” Morgan’s voice was soft, so soft that Spencer almost didn’t catch what was said. Spencer pulled away slightly taking Morgan’s face in his hands as he made the other man stare him in the eyes. He frowned at the slight of stress, worry and lack of sleep across his lover’s face.
“Why….?” It wasn’t as if they hadn’t talked about coming clean to the rest of the team, it was all just a matter of finding the right time, the right moment. Spencer was pretty sure most if not all of the team already had a general idea; it had been two years now. And he knew they hadn’t always been as careful as they claimed to be. But he never predicted it would come out under the circumstances that were now.
“It…” Morgan took a deep breath before continuing, “It was my only reason for not taking Hotch up on his offer. And I wanted to, I was set to tell him no, he was our chief and that was how it was going to be. That I had had the opportunity to lead a team in New York and turned it down because I wanted to stay where I was, with my team. But I knew he’d want a reason why, because regardless of my stepping up or not eventually he wasn’t going to be our chief. He knew that and he wanted to protect the rest of us. And here I was about to tell him no, all because how it would affect my relationship with a team member, someone who would be in the official eyes of the Bureau be my subordinate.”
He paused taking a second to look Spencer in the eye, watch him as he processed what was being said. Taking Spencer’s hands off his face he held them in his own, pressing his lips against the smooth skin before continuing his story.
“And in the back of my head this voice…this voice that sounded a whole ton like someone I love, like you, told me I better suck it up and take Hotch up on his offer or there would be far worse repercussions that fraternizing with a subordinate.”
Spencer closed his eyes squeezing his hands against Morgan’s, a small smile appearing across his lips and he thought he would have said something very close to that had Morgan come to him discussing his options. He felt Morgan watching him, waiting for his reaction to what Morgan had just said. The reasons behind why Morgan said yes, was in part to protect him, to protect the both of them from what would happen if the team was faced with reassignments. It was better to be acting chief with a secret than to not be working together.
“Everything will be fine,” Spencer’s voice was shaky as he spoke, trying to believe the words as he said them for the second time that night. Who knew how long this “acting” chief position would last. When or even if Foyet would be caught, would things really return to normal. Casting away all his doubt he surged forward pressing his lips against Morgan’s needing to feel alive, to be in this moment right then.
Morgan murmured a thank you against his lover’s lips pulling him down onto the bed with him. Kicking his shoes off the rest of the way he then pulled off his shirt tossing it on the floor near the shoes. Morgan wrapped his arms around Spencer’s waist pulling the younger man close to his body as his head found its way to the crook of Spencer’s neck and he sighed deeply.
“Sleep,” Spencer’s voice was barely heard as adjusted himself within Morgan’s arms letting his own eyes close as sleep drew him in. He fought it off until he felt the steady breathing of his lover before he succumbed to his own exhaustion. Tomorrow he would get answers to the unasked questions, tomorrow they both would.